


Only the broken hearts (make you beautiful)

by grimmie_me



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Protective Thor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 08:21:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 31
Words: 66,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimmie_me/pseuds/grimmie_me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a norsekink prompt:<br/>human AU?<br/>Loki is a cheap prostitute from the lowest ranks of the society, forced into the trade when he was just a teenager.  But now he's an adult and he struggles to survive less and less, barely able to pay for his near-derelict apartment. </p><p>Thor is a doctor who treats Loki when he's found unconscious on the street after being brutalized by a client.   Later Thor can't help but look for Loki in the streets and when he finds him, he becomes a client, though everybody, including Loki, is quite surprised that a man like him doesn't want a better whore to have fun with.  Some time later Thor takes Loki away from his occupation and tries his best to give him a normal life, which is hard for a person who's not used to it and doesn't find himself worthy.<br/>Buckets of angst, please, but I prefer a good Thor/Loki ending, I mean as good as it can be after Loki's life before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little broken boy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EvilConcubine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilConcubine/gifts).



> Disclaimer: Characters belong to Marvel. Title taken from the Sonata Arctica song by the same name.

_So time your gilded leaves have turned_  
 _From once upon a time to darkest hour_  
\- Sonata Arctica, 'Only the broken hearts (make you beautiful)'

  
  
Loki was cold. It was the midst of one of the snowiest winters in history and his threadbare jacket and sweater were doing little to keep him from freezing. He stuffed his hands deeper into his pockets and hunched in on himself.  
  
The stretch of street he found himself on was devoid of other people. Almost anyone with any sense would have gone home. There were few costumers to be had anyway in this weather and at this time of night. Loki however could not afford to go home: he had a rent to pay and though his apartment wasn't much by any standards, it was still better than being homeless. So he had gone out tonight like he did on every other night, hoping (and dreading at the same time) to find someone interested in him for the night.  
  
It seemed like luck wasn't with him today though. He had been standing in his little allotted space for four hours now, watching cars drive by and pick up others. Those who weren't picked up called it a night one by one until Loki was all alone, huddled and miserable.  
  
It was nothing new: Loki had been miserable for much of his life, certainly since his mother had left when he was 11. His two brothers had been older by several years and had managed to escape the house rather quickly, either by sleeping over with friends or graduating and moving on, never to look back or visit.  
  
He couldn't blame them: their father Laufey was frequently in a very bad mood and had very loose hands when he was. Everyone that came too close was fair game and Loki learned early to find a bolt hole and not leave it if he could avoid it. But that hadn't been the worst of it. Loki shrugged his coat firmer around his shoulders as though it could stave off the memories of his youth.  
  
 _ _When Loki had been 14, he found out about another vice of his father's: gambling. Laufey had a steady job and his income was certainly enough to pay the rent and the necessities, but it couldn't stand up to poker games with rather high stakes. Getting money for new clothes soon grew to be a problem, his allowance was canceled and their food dwindled down to the very basics.__  
  
Then one day, two men had showed up at the door. Loki could hear them talking downstairs and his curiosity got the better of him, luring him from his relatively safe room to sit in the darkness at the top of the stair.  
  
“I don't have it now.” his father was saying. Loki imagined him standing in the hall downstairs, having let the men in, but not further than was absolutely necessary.  
  


“ _We don't like waiting for our money.” one of the men said, “You promised to pay us today.”_

“ _I had some unexpected costs.” Laufey ground out, “I can get it to you next week.”_

“ _We're going to have to charge interest for the next week.” Man number two said. His voice sounded both bored and intense and Loki felt a shiver travel down his back. “You sure you can't pay now?”_

“ _I'm sure,” Laufey said, “I don't have it.”_

_There was a 'crack' and then his father cursed, voice sounding pained. Loki drew in a sharp breath and took a quick step backwards. The floorboards shifted beneath his weight and creaked, alerting the men downstairs to his presence._

“ _Who's there?” the first one called._

“ _It's just my son, nothing to be worried about.” his father said, dismissing Loki like he so often did when he wasn't raging at him._

“ _Come down here, kid, let us have a look at you.” the second voice commanded. He knew that tone of voice: when Laufey used it, bad things happened to those that didn't obey. Slowly he came down the stairs, step by step until he stood on the lowest one._

_His father had a hand cupped to the side of his face. A red mark was creeping from under it and Loki understood that one of the visitors had struck him. He would have laughed at his father getting a bit of his own medicine if he hadn't known that it would put him in the worst mood ever, which meant that Loki just might be sporting a similar mark sooner rather than later._

_The other two men were clad in business suits. One's was gray and the other's blue. That last one had a buzz-cut that clashed horribly with it, the first one had fine brown hair that fell to about shoulder-length. He was also closest to Loki._

“ _Well, well,” he said, revealing him to be the owner of the frightening voice, “aren't you a pretty little boy?”_

_Loki didn't know what to say so he remained silent, throwing his father a quick look._

“ _He's not going to tell on you to anyone,” Laufey cut in._

“ _And what's there to tell?” buzz-cut asked, “That his dad has been playing poker with the wrong crowd? That we so kindly loaned him money which he promised to pay back today? That he broke that promise and tried to ship us off with some flimsy excuse?”_

“ _I said I'll pay you next week.” Laufey bit out._

_Buzz-cut hit him again, this time on the other cheek. “Next week won't cut it. You wouldn't even be able to pay the interest one the money you owe us.”_

“ _Now, now, Manny,” his friend said, “I'm sure we can work something out.” he finally took his gaze from Loki and directed it back to his father. “You pay the original sum next week, and we'll deal with the interest in another way.”_

_Laufey looked at him suspiciously but said “Keep talking.”_

“ _I'm willing to pay the interest for you in return for a … favor.”_

“ _What favor?”_

“ _I'd like to have your pretty little son's lips around my cock.” The man said in a totally casual tone._

The sound of a car pulling up to the curb brought him out of his memories to the equally unappetizing present. A man opened the window on Loki's side of the car and looked him up and down. The young man forced himself to stand up straighter and walk over. The car wasn't a pricey model or anything and it certainly wasn't new: someone who wanted some fun, but couldn't afford one of the classier prostitutes then. Well, beggars can't be choosers: he pasted on a smile and leaned slightly into the car.

“Hey there, sweetie.” the car-owner crooned.

Loki did his best not to wrinkle his nose at the sour smell of alcohol that came off of the balding office grunt. “Hello, mister.” he greeted back, “You looking for something?”

“I just might be.” the man grinned, slurring his words slightly. “You look affordable. How much for a fuck?”

“40 dollars for the rest of the night.” Loki said, “But you have to use a condom.” The guys mouth twisted for a moment and Loki held his breath, fearing he would refuse.

“Fine, but I don't have money for a room after that. We'll have to do it in my car.”

“Sure,” Loki agreed, although the man's demeanor was rubbing his instincts the wrong way. The guy leered at him and leaned open to unlock the door. Loki got in, immediately feeling a hand high up his thigh, squeezing and stroking. He smelled even more of alcohol up close and Loki forced himself to think of the money and how much he needed it. His stomach cramped with hunger to help remind him of how long ago it was that he had had a decent meal.

“I'm Dan,” the man said as he pulled back onto the street proper.

“Loki,” he answered. Most of them didn't want a name, maybe he was wrong about Dan being dodgy but someone in his line of work couldn't be too careful. It was different for those with pimps or who belonged to a group: someone always knew where you had gone or at least the plate of the car that took you. Loki had been on his own for as long as he had been working the street.

Dan didn't drive around for long, just backed into the first windowless alley he found and parked. His client sized him up once more and seemed to make a decision. The hand that had alternated between shifting the stick and laying on his thigh now gave him a rough squeeze through his trousers. “I want you bent over the trunk.”

Loki swallowed but got out and walked to the rear end of the car. Dan came around from the other side, smiling greasily as he took in Loki's long legs and pale skin. In this light it was easier to ignore the dark circles he had under them from lack of sleep and the way his body was too bony because regular nutritional meals where something reserved for other people.

The deed itself was mercifully short: neither man had undressed more than was necessary and Dan had been too drunk for a drawn-out session anyway. Loki retreated into himself, only the occasional grunt escaping him when the other pushed hard enough to slam him into the car. He came back to himself when Dan pulled out, unrolled his condom and tossed it aside. He gave patted Loki's as a few time as if rewarding an obedient pet before pulling out his wallet and throwing a twenty-dollar bill onto the trunk.

“There you go.” he said, pulling his pants back on.

“We agreed on 40.” Loki said while rearranging his own jeans. He still took the bill though: experience had taught him to take money when it was given him and before it could be taken away again.

Dan looked him up and down with a smirk. “A lowly whore like you isn't worth 40 bucks. You should be glad I even gave you 20.”

“We had a deal!” Loki protested.

Dan's eyes narrowed and Loki could now see the simmering anger the alcohol had hidden. He felt a spike of fear and backed away from the other man. Dan surged forward and though Loki put his arms up to defend himself, the blow to his stomach nearly took him down.

He coughed and instinctively tried to curl around the injury. Dan brought his knee up and it connected with Loki's nose, blood spraying out of it as pain surged through his head. He fell onto his hands and knees, but knew better than to hope that the subservient position would be enough to calm his attacker's frenzy.

“You good for nothing little whore!” The man shouted as Loki tried to scramble away. He tasted blood in his mouth, hot and metallic before a foot hit him in the flank and sent him sprawling onto his back. His head struck the concrete of the alley-floor and his vision blacked out for a moment.

He groaned as a weight settled itself over him and blows rained down on his ribs and face. His breath came fast and panicky when it wasn't literally being beaten out of him. He couldn't defend himself, only lie there until his world went black. _I should have known_ , were his last thoughts, _Father always said I would find an inglorious death. He'll be glad to know he was right._

 


	2. Bruised and battered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel.

There was something down his throat.  He couldn't swallow normally and he couldn't breathe like he should.  He had been in this situation what felt like a hundred times before but every time he hated it as much as the first time he had experienced it.

 

_“Alright,” his father had said, “but no more than that.”_

_The man smiled crookedly, making a grab for Loki's hand and squeezing it tightly.  “How about we do this in your room, little bird?  We don't want an audience, do we?”_

_Loki looked at his father, betrayed and confused, but Laufey wouldn't meet his eyes.  The man pulled him upstairs, opening doors until he found the right room.  He sat down on the bed and gave a yank on Loki's hand so that he stumbled to his knees in front of him._

_“Have you ever given a blowjob before?” the man asked, grinning when Loki shook his head.  He opened his trousers and placed the hand he still held inside them.  Loki tried to pull back, but this earned him an open-handed slap on his cheek.  “You don't want to be disobedient do you?  We would have to take it out on your father then and it wouldn't look pretty.”_

_Loki hesitated: he wasn't too attached to his father but he didn't want him to be hurt either.  He swallowed hard and let the man use his hand to stroke his cock.  It grew hard under his fingers and it wasn't long before he drew it out._

_Loki had experimented with his own of course (what adolescent hadn't?), but to have a stranger's genitals right in front of him was still a weird and profoundly uncomfortable situation._

_“Suck on the head.” the other commanded and when he hesitated, a hand grabbed his hair and pushed him down.  Loki gave a squeak in protest, which allowed the bulbous head into his mouth.  The taste was unpleasant and he pulled back as soon as he was able._

  _The man laughed, letting him gasp and sputter a little before forcing him back down.  He was ready for the taste this time, but still so panicked he forgot what he was supposed to do until he was slapped across the cheek again.  Trembling and disgusted, he wrapped his lips clumsily around the flesh in his mouth and sucked._

“He's fighting the tube.” a voice called somewhere.  Hands pushed his arms back down onto the bed and he tried to struggle harder.  He didn't want to be touched, they needed to leave him alone!  “Hold him!  I can't get it out without damaging his throat otherwise.”

More hands, this time tilting back his head and pulling on something that made him cough and had his eyes watering in protest.  The obstruction was removed and breathing became easier, even through the coughing, and the air that entered his lungs was warm and tasted of chemicals.  Where was he?

“Okay, it's out.  Let go, we're only agitating him.”

The hands disappeared and Loki tried for the first time to open his eyes.  The light that shone down on him hurt his pupils as it hit them and he squeezed his lids back shut with a grunt.  He tilted his head to the side, feeling skin pull painfully on his face at the movement, and tried again.  A wall in a color that could be best described as 'sterile' met his gaze and that (together with the smell that finally registered) was enough to answer his question.

He was in a hospital.

Loki wanted to cry: he couldn't afford a hospital.  He needed the money for his rent.  The thought of money sent him into another frenzy: he had put the twenty dollars in his pants, but he was wearing hospital scrubs now and his own clothes were nowhere to be seen.

“Hey, hey.” a voice sounded from the other side of his bed, “Calm down.  You're okay, we're not going to hurt you.”

Loki turned his head reluctantly, coming face to face with a doctor who had shoulders that were twice the size of Loki's.  This man could kill him without even trying and it didn't do anything to lower the anxiety that was crawling through him.  There were no others in the room: whoever had been in here earlier to hold him seemed to have left already.

“I'm Thor Odinson,” the giant said, “I've been your doctor since they brought you in here.”  He pushed a hank of his blond hair behind an ear while he sat there on his haunches and Loki could nearly believe that he was harmless, but not quite.   “The police brought you in, they found you beat up in an alley.  We put you back together again as good as we could, but you still need to stay here until everything heals enough that you can take care of it by yourself, alright?”

“My clothes,” Loki managed to get out past his raw and parched throat.  His face hurt just from moving his mouth and he had no doubt that it was littered with a great many bruises. 

 The doctor frowned, like he could not believe that this would be Loki's first question upon awakening.  It was only practical, and Loki was nothing if not that.  He couldn't help his wounds heal faster than his body could manage, but he could inquire after the only decent pair of clothes he had left.

“Uhm, they should be in the closet.” the doctor replied, standing up and removing himself toward said piece of furniture.  Loki was glad that he wasn't so close anymore, and tried to get himself into a seated position, if only because it felt like reclaiming a bit of control over the situation.  The motion sent stabs of pain through his torso and he nearly screamed from it, but managed to hold it in by biting his cheek.  The sooner they thought he was alright, the sooner he could get back to working.  He had conquered the anxiety that came from an attack before, he could do it again.

He had no choice but to do it again.

“Your jeans are here,” the doctor reported, “But I think they had to throw away your shirt.”  He came back to the bed.  “We haven't been able to identify you or find any next of kin.  Do you want to call anyone?”

Loki shook his head slightly.  There wasn't anyone he could call: he hadn't seen his brothers since they had moved out of their old family home and Laufey had been dead for 6 years now, leaving Loki officially a 23-year old orphan.

 “Can you tell me your name, at least?  Police have named you John, but I think your real name would be more comfortable.”

 Loki thought about it a moment and then decided it could do no harm if he just gave his first name.  Even if it the cops linked it to the scruffy 17 year old who had run away from his foster home, he was legally an adult now and there was nothing they could do to stop him living on his own.

 “I'm Loki.” he said.  His voice was still scratchy and the doctor filled him a glass of water and handed it over.  Loki took it gingerly, being careful not to let their fingers touch.

 “Just Loki?  No last name?” Thor asked, scribbling away on his clipboard.

 Loki shook his head in between sips of water.  He could see the doctor frowning at him, but he must have decided to let it be for the moment because he didn't push the subject.

 “Alright then,” Thor said.  He grabbed one of the plastic visitor's chairs and turned it the wrong way around before sitting on it.  He supported the clipboard on the backrest and skimmed it quickly.  “As I said: you were brought in after an … altercation.  The police will want to talk to you about that, they'll swing by tomorrow probably.  Your nose will be tender for a while, but it isn't broken.  There is severe bruising all over your face and torso that will take a few weeks to disappear completely.  There was also a strike to your neck that bruised your throat, which is why you were intubated.  We didn't want to take any risks.  No broken bones thankfully, but you'll be moving stiffly until your muscles have had a chance to recuperate.”

 Loki nodded when the doctor looked at him to see if he understood what he had just heard.  He was grateful not to have broken anything since that would have put him out of business for as long as the cast was on.  They would probably let him go home pretty soon since there was not much the hospital could do for bruises that he wouldn’t be able to do himself.

 “You're also suffering from malnutrition.” The doctor went on and Loki felt his heart drop and his hackles rise.  It wasn't possible to keep a healthy diet when you were scrounging for every penny.  Toast with jam and noodles made up most of Loki's meals.  “That's why we want to monitor you here for a few days, to see if it's just your diet or if your system isn't able to process some things.”

 “I can't afford to stay here that long.” Loki said, interrupting whatever Thor would have added.

 Thor put away his clipboard and looked him in the eye.  He didn't appear pitying, which was good because Loki hated that, but he had definitely made some assumptions based on Loki's clothes and below average body condition.  “You're not in a regular hospital, Loki,” he explained, “You're in mine and it's a free clinic.  Payment will be minimal or even non-existent, depending on your income.  You don't have to worry about it, just concentrate on getting better, alright?”

 Loki looked down at the sheets covering him and nodded.  Thor's offer was nice, but it didn't change anything about the fact that he was still eighty dollars short to make the rent for this month and every day he was stuck here was a day less to get the money together.  He could probably skimp some on food if he ate well here but still...

 “Okay then,“ the doctor said, “I'll leave you to get your bearings.  The IV is going to stay in for now, at least until the bag is empty, we'll check your values again at that time.  Supper will be brought in about an hour.  You can push that button to call someone when you need help going to the bathroom.  No overdoing anything now, the more you rest the faster you'll be rid of this place.”

 Loki didn't answer, but Thor didn't seem to expect one.  He patted the bed once, probably in lieu of his still-frightened patient, before standing up and hanging the clipboard at the feet-end of the bed and leaving.

 Loki watched him go, sad to know that Thor and the police had probably only helped him because they thought he was an assault-victim.  Had they known he was a petty whore, they probably would not be so eager to be around him.  He slid down in the bed some, trying to make his bruised body as comfortable as possible.  He could at least enjoy the warmth and the food while it lasted.


	3. Thor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters are owned by Marvel.

When Thor had finished his rounds, he entered the break-room to find another doctor who donated time to the clinic.  His name was Bruce Banner and he had blown in from parts unknown some 3 years prior to the current date.  His hair was short and messy (much like the rest of him) but he was a real good doctor and friend and Thor often didn't know what he would do without him.

 

“I heard your mystery guest woke up.” Bruce said now, toasting him with his chipped tea mug.

 

Thor hummed as he opened a cupboard and took out his own mug, filling it with the half-decent coffee that was still on the heating plate and took a sip before answering.  “You heard correctly.  His name is Loki, by the way, no last name.”

 

Bruce looked thoughtful as he sipped his chamomile tea.  By unspoken agreement, someone always made sure there was chamomile tea: Bruce tended to get very cranky without it and no-one wanted a repeat of the incident that happened a month after he came to work there when he had slammed a chair so hard against a table both had broken into pieces.  For a small guy, Bruce sure packed a wallop when he wanted to.

 

“Do you think he's in the country illegally?” Bruce asked.  The clinic staff didn't care about immigration status, but they tried to help where they could.  Perhaps Phil Coulson, who dropped by regularly to do administration for both clinic and patients, could help out if that was the case.

 

“I don't think he is.” Thor said, tilting his head as he pondered it.  “He doesn't seem scared to be thrown out of the country, but he was scared about not being able to pay for his treatment.”

 

Bruce nodded: it wasn't anything new, certainly not now that the economy was slacking and so many people were unemployed.  The clinic had seen a far bigger increase in patients these last months than it had in all the years before.

 

“He didn't like to be touched either.” Thor continued, “We had quite the fight just to get the tube out of his throat.”

 

“Not surprising since the last thing he knew he was being beat up.” the dark-haired man replied, “Cops been to talk to him yet?”

 

“Nah,” Thor said, “I called Captain Rogers earlier, but they won't have time for him until tomorrow.  It's just bed and food for him today.  He sure looks like he can use it too: he's too thin and has deficiencies for several vitamins.  I could count all his ribs and vertebrae when I was treating him.”  He threw a quick look at the clock, drowned his coffee in two big gulps and rinsed the mug.  “It's late and I'm tired, I'm going home to sleep for a couple of decades.”

 

Bruce snorted: they all knew Thor was virtually married to this place.  It was a very rare occasion indeed when there was a day he didn't show up.  Thor would be back tomorrow morning, if not sooner.  “Take care!” he yelled after the retreating figure, smiling as Thor raised his hand to give him a wave.

 

When he left the clinic, Thor headed for his car.  His home was on the other side of the city, but contrary to what he had told Bruce, he didn't head there directly.  Pulling a little crumpled note of paper out of the pocket of his trousers, he unfurled it and read the address the cops had given him where they had found Loki.

 

The alley was only a few blocks from the clinic, but the territory wasn't exactly upper class.  Run-down buildings cropped up all around and some of them were boarded up.  Thor stepped out and looked around.  Would Loki live here somewhere?  Had he been jumped coming home from whatever small-time job he had spent the night at?

 

He couldn't deny that he felt for Loki, who looked like little more than a teenager.  Thor knew that part of that image came from malnutrition.  He couldn't shake the feeling that Loki would have been taller if he had had enough food in his growing years.

 

People like him were the reason Thor had said goodbye to what had promised to be a very well-paid career in a private hospital.  He had done his residency there and had seen how those who couldn't pay ended up in even more trouble than they already had, if they hadn't been turned away at the door to begin with.  He had finished his school, gotten his degree and had immediately begun raising funds for a free clinic in one of the 'bad' neighborhoods in the city.  It had been hard going those first months with much of his own savings going into the lease of the building and not enough equipment to take care of everyone.

 

Luckily, Thor's family was well-off and his mother had taken his cause to heart.  She had organized charities, talked to people who mattered in the granting of state funds and so his dream had slowly come together.  People had dropped by to volunteer.  Some stayed for a few months, other had been with him nearly from the beginning, like Bruce.  Or Natasha, who was the scariest, most competent nurse he had ever seen.

 

Thor crouched in the alley, seeing drops of blood on the ground.  So many people were suffering daily in this city alone, but Thor was glad Loki had found his way to where he could help him.

 

He drove back to his own apartment, greeted by silence and clutter.  He hadn't tidied up in a while, too busy with work.  Better get to it, before his mother came over to set up the tree and scolded him for neglecting himself. 

 

Somehow he never did get to it after all.  He had been up since half past two in the morning and since sleep had eluded him, he had gone to the clinic.  The place had been well-staffed, so Thor had taken it easy, doing inventory in the supplies room.  It was only when an ambulance had pulled in around 7 in the morning that Thor had taken a break and gone to help.

 

Then men driving the ambulance had told him their patient had been found in an alley in a bad neighborhood, curled in on himself, bloody and unconscious.  Nobody knew how long he had been there but it could possibly have been hours until the first people going to work had seen him and called 911.

 

Thor had felt for the poor man: even while he wasn’t awake there was something about him that pulled Thor in.  After he had been put to rights, he had checked in every time he had 5 minutes until Loki had woken up and panicked.

 

He dreamt of Loki that night, seeing him get beat up in the alley, trying and failing to defend himself.  When he woke around 10 the next morning, he didn’t exactly feel rested, but he berated himself for having slept so long anyway.

 

A frantic journey through his apartment began: first to the bathroom, then the bedroom for fresh clothes and ending in the kitchen to find it grossly in need of a grocery-run.  Taking the last slices of bread and finding some jam to put on it, he had a quick breakfast and swung by Starbucks for a strong cup of coffee to wake him up the rest of the way.

 

Captain Rogers stood in the lobby of the clinic when Thor entered, together with his partner James.  Both men had regularly told him to just call them ‘Steve’ and ‘Bucky’ since they were in and out of the clinic several times a month, but he found he respected them too much for that.  This deprived neighborhood was their beat and they worked hard to keep it as peaceful and safe as possible for its inhabitants.

 

“Hello, Thor.” Rogers now greeted, “I had hoped to catch you before we left.”

 

“Is it about Loki?” the doctor asked, tossing his empty cup in the bin.

 

“As a matter of fact it is.” Steve said.  “Do you mind if we step into your office for a moment?”

 

“Sure,” Thor said, leading the way to the walled-off space that was the administration center for the building.  It wasn’t big: just enough for a desk, some chairs and a couple of closets, but it was quiet for when paperwork needed to be done, or a degree of privacy was required.  He waved the officers into to chairs and took the one behind the desk for himself.  “So,” he asked, “did he give you anything?”

 

Bucky pulled his mouth to one side while Steve sighed and rubbed his face with one hand before looking back at Thor.  “He didn’t give us much: first name, but no last, address to an apartment in one of the more unsavory buildings and a story that is far too vague to do anything with.”

 

James took up the story: “According to Loki he had been at a job and got jumped while walking home.  Only, he still had his keys and the money in his jeans-pocket was still there too when we searched his clothes.  And people intent on stealing don’t beat someone like that.”

 

“He gave a description of the guy and even the car, but couldn’t give us the number plate.” Steve continued.

 

“You think he’s lying.” Thor said.  It was what Thor was thinking too, considering what he had deduced from the bruising on Loki’s body while examining him.

 

Steve and Bucky traded a glance before the blond cop nodded.  “His story is too full of holes.  We think he’s a prostitute: there is a known spot for them about a block away.  We think his client that night beat him up.”

 

“Are you going to arrest Loki?” Thor asked, something heavy settling in his stomach.

 

“No,” Steve shook his head, “We can’t prove anything since we didn’t catch him in the act and I think he’s been through enough as it is.  His fear of being found out is preventing him from telling us the whole story, though, because I think he knows the plates and the exact model and make for that car.  He might even know the guy’s name.  The problem is he can’t tell us without confessing to everything else, so he won’t.  And if we could find this guy from his description, he might begin talking about what he and Loki were doing that night, just to spite him and get him arrested too.”

 

“So he’ll just walk?” Thor asked, feeling outraged on Loki’s behalf.

 

“We don’t like the situation any more than you do,” Bucky said defensively, “but that’s the way it is.  Our hands are tied.”

 

“Call us if he says anything else, alright?” Steve asked and Thor nodded, shaking both their hands and walking with them back into the lobby. 

 

He saw them step back into their patrol car and drive off, but his thoughts were a mile off already.  He headed back to his office, pulled his white coat on and went straight to Loki’s room.  If the police couldn’t protect him, then Thor would just have to do it himself.


	4. Memory lane is a painful place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel.

Loki felt restless and nervous after his conversation with the police officers.  He had to make up a story for them and he thought they knew he didn’t tell them the truth.  He had seen both men before, patrolling the stretch of street where Loki and others plied their trade.  They seemed like decent people, but they were cops and they had to uphold the law.  Loki had seen a couple of ladies being arrested, but had so far been able to avoid the same fate.

There was nothing for it, Loki would just have to be extra careful not to get caught for a couple of days.  They’d forget him after that, people always did.  There were other people to protect, better people, and Loki had never been at the top of anyone’s list of priorities.  For this one time it would work in his favor, letting him slip under the radar quickly and go back to his usual routine.

A tap on the door to his room pulled him from his thoughts and he shrunk in on himself slightly almost out of habit.  The door was already open, so the tap was meant more as a polite notice than a request for entry, but Loki was glad of the warning anyway.

The doctor he had met yesterday stood in the entryway.  The way the blue eyes looked him up and down made Loki’s skin crawl even though he knew the man was just checking his overall condition and not trying to decide whether he would suffice as a quick fuck.

The man’s face split into a gentle smile, seemingly satisfied with what he saw.  “Can I come in?” he asked.

Loki gave a timid nod, hands twisting in the sheets a little from anxiety.  The doctor pulled up a chair in the same manner he had done last time, the way he slouched on it calculated to make him appear more like a friend and less like a professional. 

“You look a little better than yesterday.” Thor said, “How are you feeling?”

“Alright.” Loki said.  It was true: he did feel a bit better since he had woken this morning.  His upper body still ached and every muscle seemed stiff, but he felt like he could use his arms or breathe deeply again without dying from the pain that shot through him with every movement.

“Good.” The doctor continued, “Did you eat well?”

“Yes,” Loki confirmed.  The food had been nice even if his diet had been adjusted for his painful jaw and mouth: thick, warm soup the previous evening and porridge with honey this morning.  He had eaten all the soup, but had had to leave half of his breakfast when his stomach had started cramping, unable to deal with the rich food.

Thor smiled at him again and Loki silently begged him to go away.  He was terribly uncomfortable being the center of the doctor’s attention.  The man was just trying to be friendly, but Loki hadn’t had any friends for years now and his social skills were nearly non-existant for this role.  He waited it out until Thor started fidgeting too, keeping his eyes firmly down, then softly sighed in relief when he took his leave, stating he would be back that afternoon for a more thourough examination of how his wounds were doing.

Loki’s muscles slowly relaxed now that he was alone again.  He could hear the hustle and bustle of the clinic echo through the corridors, but the other bed in his room was empty and he felt no regret for that.  He had enough to deal with now that every part of him hurt.  It had been a long time since he had received a beating this bad, but it certainly hadn’t been the first time and in his profession it wouldn’t be the last.

_After that first time someone had come to their house looking for payment, Laufey had kept it together for a remarkably long time.  He didn’t hit Loki or shout at him or go out to drink and bet for two whole months._

_Loki, for his part, still kept his head down and enjoyed the silence.  He was under no illusion that it would last but he dared to hope that his father wouldn’t lose more than he could afford from now on.  His throat had felt raw for ages after that forced blowjob and all the honeyed tea in the world hadn’t been able to soothe it._

_He was proven wrong barely three months later, when the same guy came into his room one evening, grabbed hold of him and started to stroke and kiss him.  Loki, overwhelmed and panicking, fought back, earning himself a few punches to the ribs before he quieted down._

_"None of that now,” was hissed into his face.  The man had a good grip on his hair and pulled back on it until the angle became so uncomfortable that Loki had to give up his struggling.  He panted roughly, his heart hammering in his chest.  “Remember what I told you: you act out and daddy suffers for it.”_

_The man waited a few moments before releasing his prey and Loki scrambled backwards to put distance between them.  The man made himself comfortable on Loki’s bed, leaning back on his hands.  His feet were some distance apart, showing the bulge at his crotch.  Loki tore his eyes away, crossed his arms over his chest and pointedly looked out the window._

_“Take off your shirt.” The man commanded._

_Loki shook his head.  He wasn’t doing this again, he wasn’t.  If his dad wanted to gamble, he could pay it himself too.  Let him give this disgusting excuse for a human being a blowjob.  Loki had nothing to do with the whole sordid mess._

_The man narrowed his eyes, anger drawing furrows in his brow.  “Your father has debts to pay, boy.  Now get to it.”_

_“I don’t care.” Loki snapped back, “They’re his debts, not mine.”_

_The man got up from the bed, coming forwards so that Loki had to give ground if he wanted to keep out of arm’s reach.  “You think that’s the way the world works, litlle bird?” he said, voice low and mocking, “You think that you’re safe because you’re not the one gambling?  That you’re innocent and someone will protect you because of it?”_

_Loki glared at him, his back fetching up against the wall.  The man was right in front of him now, staring into his eyes.  He tried to duck to the side, but the other smacked him swiftly on the cheek with the back of his hand.  The pale flesh heated up immediately with the power of the blow._

_"No-one is going to save you.” The man said, using the same hand that had struck Loki to now gently card through his black hair.  “The only thing you can choose now is how much it will hurt.”_

_Loki looked up at his antagonist, feeling his cheek throb in time with his heart.  He hated him, he hated his father and if either of them thought that Loki would just act meekly and let them have their way, they had another thing coming.  He deliberately widened his eyes, trying to look cowed and agreeable and when the man smirked and leaned in to kiss him, he jerked up his knee, hitting the other man hard in the genitals._

_The goon let out a high-pitched curse and dropped down, leaving Loki with an opening which he immediately took.  He darted around the groaning body, but before he could get anywhere a hand clamped around his ankle and jerked his leg out from under him, making him fall hard on the floor._

_“You fucking little brat!” the man yelled, raining down blows wherever he could get them in.  Loki grunted and screamed, even begged the man to stop, but it seemed like he didn’t even hear the teen until the worst of his anger had cooled off.  He was breathing heavily above him and looked down, hands going to his belt and opening it along with his trousers._

_Loki’s lips were bruised and bloody, his cheeks flaming red and tears tracked all over him.  He was whimpering and coughing and made no more protest as the half-hard cock was pushing into his mouth._

_“Good boy,” the man laughed, “We’ll make an obedient whore out of you yet.  Now suck.”_

_And Loki did, to his great shame.  He hurt badly and he had no more wish to provoke anyone.  So he thightened his lips and sucked when he was told and swallowed to let the man’s cock into his throat.  It was over in 5 minutes, the bitter taste of semen coating his tongue even after he had gulped it all down._

_The man tucked himself back into his trousers, gave Loki a little patronizing pat on the head and stood up.  “I’ll go have that talk with your father now about teaching some obedience to his son.”_

_Loki closed his eyes and didn’t move from his position on the ground.  He heard the other go down the stairs, then raised voice in the living room and something breakable crashing into pieces.  Soon after the front door banged shut and another pair of feet could be heard coming up the stairs._

_Loki blinked his eyes back open to see his father standing in the door-opening.  He looked strange from Loki’s position: upside down and holding his nose and stomach.  There were scratches on his cheek where tiny pieces of glass were embedded.  He looked furious, but the anger dropped from his face after he got a good look at his son._

_He turned around with a grunt and disappeared back down the stairs.  Loki let his eyes slip closed again, feeling removed from even his own pain, and slept._

That had been the first, and immediately last, time he had fought against someone who wanted to have sex with him.  It had also been the last time Laufey’s debts were low enough to be payed back with a blowjob.  Loki stopped his thoughts from going there, casting around for any other topic.  He wanted to go to his own home, to his own bed where nothing bad ever happened to him. 

He didn’t hold out much hope for that to happen this day or the next: the doctor had made it clear that he would be under observation for a while longer.  Loki flexed his fingers, thinking about the blond man that had sat by his bed that morning.  It was obvious that he had wanted to talk, but Loki couldn’t for the life of him figure out why.  Thor’s clothes were nice underneath his labcoat, his manners polished, teeth glowing white.  He came from money, had probably never lacked anything in his life and would surely have a nice family somewhere too.  Why would someone like that want to be friends with someone like Loki?  It just didn’t make any sense.


	5. If you love something, set it free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to Marvel.
> 
> Also, I belatedly made this a gift for Evil_Concubine, because she so deserves it for making the prompt that inspired this.

Thor sat across from Phil Coulson in his office.  He had never been able to find out what exactly Phil’s day job was, but he was uncannily good with any sort of legal or paper work, so Thor thought he was probably a lawyer or at least a legal aide.  Right now he was giving Phil his best smile, showing the white of his teeth while his eyes sparkled innocently.

Phil merely sighed.  “You know that expression doesn’t work on me.” 

Thor upped the dose of sunny cheerfulness, showing dimples that would be outlawed in most states.

Phil, who was made of much sterner stuff than the average person, merely cocked an eyebrow and stared right back.  “No,” the older man said, enunciating very clearly.

Thor groaned and sagged in his chair, hands coming up to card through his loose hair in frustration.  “I can’t send him home yet.” He complained.  The ‘him’ in question being Loki.  He’d had the man in his care for nearly a week now and he was no closer to having him open up than he had been on the day Loki woke up.  It was frustrating to say the least.

“And why is that?” Phil asked, “Because, according to Dr. Banner, the only thing he needs to heal is time and there’s nothing more we can do for him.  He can take his medicine home and treat himself, thus freeing up a bed and resources we could be spending on other patients.”

Thor knew that he was right, of course.  Every penny they received for the clinic needed to be turned over twice before it was spent and there really was nothing more they could do for Loki.  As a matter of fact, Loki himself had asked twice already if he couldn’t go home yet. 

The problem was that Thor had become attached to this enigmatic man.  Against any code of conduct, any unwritten rule about patient-doctor relationships: for Thor, it had become something personal.  This was more than ‘fix them up and let them loose again’.  Loki was vulnerable in a way that pulled at his heart in the most painful of ways and he knew that to send Loki home was to send him back onto the streets, looking for new costumers.

He had delayed the decision to let him go as long as he could and remained proud under the knowing (and pitying) glances his co-workers sent him.

“We’re one of the very few free clinics to receive financial support from the local government.  We had to lobby hard to get it and your mother called in a great many favors.” Phil explained.  At Thor’s nod of agreement he continued: “In exchange for this funding we have to detail what we did with the money they gave us.  That means I have to make up a report for every single patient.  If they saw that we kept people here who essentially could have been recovering just as well at home, they might revoke those funds.”  Thor frowned down at his lap, twisting his big hands together.  Phil sighed and looked at him sadly.  “We’re not a shelter, Thor, we’re a clinic and we can’t let anything jeopardize the good work we do here.”

“I know, I know.” Thor said, “It’s just that…Christmas is only 4 days away and I can’t bare the thought of him being out in the cold then.”

“He has a home, Thor, he won’t be out in it.” Phil tried to comfort him although they both knew he most likely would be.

“Yeah,” Thor said listlessly.  It was painfully clear he didn’t believe it, but he couldn’t put the fate of one person before the continued existence of the clinic.  “I’ll discharge him tomorrow.”  He got up and went without further comment, unwilling to stay and see the pity in Phil’s eyes.

He walked out off the building, deciding on a whim to take his lunch break outside.  Several people on the street greeted him, former patients mostly, and he nodded back but didn’t stop to talk.  His mood perked up slightly when he saw the thriftstore a block away from the clinic.  Loki’s shirt had been destroyed when he was brought in and there had been nothing in their limited supply that wouldn’t hang from his frame like a sheet.

Opening the door, he let himself into the darkened interior.  The casshier looked up at him from where she had been staring at her phone and he nodded at her before going to look around.  The place had a rather nice selection and he went past the racks, trying to think what would fit Loki, both style and size-wise.

“You look a little overdressed for this place.” A voice startled him from where he had been looking at a green button-up shirt.  He looked down to see the young woman from behind the counter.  “My usual costumers don’t exactly wear Hilfiger sweaters.”

Thor blushed self-consciously.  The sweater had been a present from his mother and he had paid it no mind when he had put it on this morning, but was regretting it now.  “I’m not looking for myself.” He said, knowing how lame it sounded.  Like the excuse someone who was unwilling to admit they had financial troubles would use.

“Uh huh,” the woman said.  “Who are you looking for then?”

“I’m a doctor at the free clinic a block over.” Thor explained, “One of my patients is getting discharged tomorrow, but he has nothing to wear.  We have a few things ourselves, but nothing that would fit him.”

“So you came here to check for him.” A genuine smile blossomed on her face, “That’s actually really sweet.  Do you know his size?  I can help you look.”

“Uhm, not really.  He’s a few inches shorter than I am, say about 6 feet and really skinny.”

“Alright, lean and tall, we can do that.” She said, starting towards another rack and picking out several trousers.  “I’ll just place all of these on the counter.  You can choose what you want there after you find a shirt.”

“Okay, thanks, uhm...” he trailed off, uncertain.

“Oh!” she shifted the stack of trousers around in her arms so she could offer him her hand, “I’m Darcy.  I work here part-time.”

“I’m Thor.  Thanks again for your help.”

“No problem,” she said, humming as she added a few more items to her pile before sashaying back to her desk.

In the end, Thor picked up a few shirts (including the green one he had been eyeing before Darcy interrupted) and 3 pairs of trousers.  He also picked out a warm-looking jacket since the one Loki had worn was on its last legs and winter was far from over.  Darcy cheerfully chatted about nothing important while she rang up his purchases, wished him the best of luck with the clinic and said he was welcome back at any time.

Back on the street, Thor found his mood very much improved by the therapeutic effect of a shopping spree, all the more because Loki would be the benefactor of it.  Maybe the man would find a smile somwhere at the good news of new clothes and being allowed to go home.

It turned out a smile was too much to hope for, but Thor would settle for the look of relief that came over his patient when Thor told him he would be discharged tomorrow. 

“What is this?” Loki asked him when Thor handed over the plastic bag filled with clothes.

“It’s to replace the shirt you lost when we had to treat you.”  He watched avidly as Loki slid the clothes out and placed them on the bed.  The green eyes widened and Loki looked at him with renewed sadness.

“I can’t pay for these.” Loki said, “I can’t take them.”  He tried to put the clothes back into the bag and shove it into Thor’s arms.

“Loki, Loki stop.” Thor said softly, seeing the panic in the other’s eyes.  “They won’t cost you anything, I promise, and neither will your stay here.  It would make me feel a lot better if you took them.”

Loki was looking off to the side, obviously overwhelmed by the gesture and not certain at all as to how he should react.  Not wanting to make him uncomfortable, Thor said he would see him tomorrow before he left and turned to go.  Loki’s nearly inaudible ‘thank you ‘ behind him was enough to make him smile for the rest of the day.

The next morning he went to Loki’s room after breakfast and singned his release forms.  The dark-haired man was wairing one of the jeans Thor had bought him along with the green shirt over a long-sleeved tee.  The warm coat hung ready on the chair.  Loki watched him solemnly while his pen scratched over the papers and then followed him to the entry.

“Well,” Thor said as they stood in the hall, “this is goodbye then.”  He sighed to himself as Loki avoided eye-contact and stared outside.  “I would like to see you again in a week, for a final check-up.” He continued, knowing that even to ask was probably futile, “You don’t need an appointment, just come right in and ask for me at the desk, alright.” 

He waited for a moment, but no answer was forthcoming and now he did sigh aloud.  “Goodbye, Loki, take care of yourself, alright?”

This at least got him another puzzled glance, but then the dark-haired man nodded.  “I will,” Loki said, “Thank you again for … everything.” And with that he turned and walked out of the door.

Thor watched Loki walk away from the clinic, slowly in deference to the larger bruises that would still be painful.  Thor had offered to call him a cab earlier, had offered to pay for it himself, but Loki had stubbornly refused.  He was fine, thank you, and could make it home just fine.  Thor had to give it to him: despite the fragile look of his still too-lean body, the man had a quiet inner strength that had carried him through everything so far.

A hand landed on his shoulder, squeezing in compassion.  “I know this is hard on you, Thor, but it’s for the better.” Bruce said softly.  “This was never going to work out.  ‘Pretty woman’ is only a fairytale after all and Julia Roberts was much better off then Loki is.”

Thor didn’t answer.  He was angry with all of his staff right now and afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would say things that he would later regret.  It was the same thing as during his residency all over again.  His fellow students would say what a shame it was that they couldn’t help everyone, saying that if they made the laws, everything would change.  But they never did any more than talk.  They were comfortable living their privileged lives.  They expected the large pay and the nice house and the fancy car.  Starting a family and making expensive journeys to far off locations.  They wouldn’t do anything to put those things at risk, thinking it was their due.  Not one of them had been interested in his idea of working in a free clinic after their residency, though a few had volunteered at one alongside Thor for the experience it could bring them until they graduated.

The people he worked with now were amazing, but even they would not go all the way.  Once a patient was out of their care, they were out of their thoughts as well.  They weren’t interested in making their lives better, only in healing their wounds.  And while that was a big step in the right direction and he loved them for it, he still felt they could be doing so much more.  Thor’s big dream was to have a social assistant who could help people without a job find one, people without a degree find their way into free schooling.  He wanted to be able to empower people’s lives, not just their bodies.

There was a reason that his mother called him her little dreamer.

Thor knew such thoughts were utopian in the extreme: it didn’t stop him from fighting for them.


	6. Back on the streets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, Marvel does.

Loki was glad to finally be heading home again.  The hospital hadn’t been too bad, but he was used to a certain amount of freedom in his movement and that certainly hadn’t been possible there.  The staff had been friendly, but they all seemed to sense that Loki was far below them on the ladder of life.

In Loki’s experience, normal people who knew about his occupation fell apart into three classes: the ones that pitied him, the ones that thought he was stupid for not ‘getting out’ of the life he was living and the last group that was disgusted by him.  All opinions would have angered him if he’s had the energy left to care. 

The ones that pitied him thought him incapable of doing anything himself.  _Poor, little thing_ he could see them think _all alone and with no-one to care for him properly._   Loki was very much capable of looking after himself: he had done so for years already in conditions these people couldn’t even imagine, let alone weather themselves.

The people that thought him stupid where perhaps more right.  Loki had never finished school and thus didn’t have a degree that would allow him to go look for work.  He had no previous relevant experience that would get him hired in the jobs that didn’t require a degree and no money to go back to school to obtain this precious piece of paper.  Anyway you looked at it, Loki was stuck somewhere in the middle without an escape.  The fact that he had been too busy surviving to go to school never entered the minds of this group.

The ones that thought him disgusting, angered him for another reason.  When he looked at his life and the person he had become, Loki disgusted himself too.  His only achievement thus far had been staying alive and in his more dark moments, he sometimes wondered if it wouldn’t be better to let everything go on without him.  No-one would miss him, surely.  He didn’t even have regular clients and he had broken with his family a long time ago.

His bruises twinged all the way home, but had actually healed quite well in the week he had been forced to take things easy and rest.  The regular sleep and meals had done him a world of good, even with the added anxiety of expecting the police to come and arrest him.

His apartment was located in a cheap, gray monstrosity that housed far too many people in shabby conditions.  The elevators were out of service almost constantly and now was no exception, so Loki had to make his way up several flights of staircases while evading the ever-present garbage until he reached his own floor.  His front door looked thankfully unscathed and when he unlocked it and went inside he breathed a sigh of relief that nothing had changed from how he had left it.  The block was well-known for being frequently broken into, but so far he had been spared from this fate.

Loki’s apartment consisted of three rooms: a living area with a kitchenette in it, a small bedroom and an outdated bathroom.  He could be anywhere in those rooms in only ten paces.  Hot water was difficult to come by and he had mostly learned to do without by now.  However, in this block he was still one of the luckier ones.  He had a space all to himself where most were crammed into the same conditions with families of as much as 5 or 6 persons.

He moved to where he had stashed his small box of money and took it to his bed.  Sitting down on the edge he started counting, coming up 80 dollars short.  He dug into his pocket for the twenty dollars he had put there for safekeeping.  Drawing his hand back out, he frowned in confusion at the second bill, which he most definitely had not put there himself.

It seemed almost unreal to him as he unfolded it from where it had been tucked around the other bill.  It was warm from having absorbed the heat of his body and President Grant looked up at him from it’s purple-green surface.

Fifty dollars.  He hadn’t had a note this big in his hands in what seemed like forever. 

Loki knew it could only have been slipped into his pocket by one person.  He thought about the blond doctor that had thrown him so much.  What was it that Thor wanted from him?  Was he one of those that pitied him and gave of his own money to assuage his guilt over his better lot in life?  Or had he found out what Loki’s profession was and would he show up some day to collect the ‘services’ he had payed for in advance?

Loki was too tired to deal with it now.  The only thing he allowed himself to feel was relief: he would make this month’s rent after all.  He was now only 10 dollars short: a reasonable amount with three nights left to find costumers.  The previous 60 dollars would have been a close call, but this he could do.

Loki fell backward onto the bed from his sitting position, staring up at the water-stains on the ceiling.  He would have a home for at least a month longer, he could deal with everything else later.  Preferably after a nap.  The walk to his home had tired him more than he would have thought and besides, he needed to switch back to being awake at night and asleep during the day.

Maybe it was due to a lot of stress falling off his shoulders, but his dreams took him back to a time when his brothers and mother were still home.  He couldn’t have been more than 6 in this memory, playing in the park under his mother’s watchfull eye.  She had still laughed at his antics instead of living day after day in quiet desperation.

Only the dream wasn’t just a memory: now there was another boy who played with him.  He was laughing and urging Loki to fly higher on the swing, blue eyes radiant and blond hair blowing into his face.

Loki scrubbed at his eyes when he woke, deciding to get a shower before going out.  Reality was far grayer than his imagination and though his mind’s adding of doctor Odinson would have fascinated a psychiatrits, Loki himself didn’t particularly care to look for any reasons behind it.  What did it matter whether it was loneliness, gratitude or something else?  It didn’t change anything in the end.

The next days dragged on in their usual rhytm.  The rest of the city might be gearing up for Christmas, but in this neighborhood, nary a tree or any lights were to be seen.  When you’re scraping by for food and rent, Christmas was really not in reach of your budget.  The most many of his neighbors would do was go to the run-down church a block away on Christmas Eve. 

Loki didn’t even do that.  Nights were spent out on the street, looking for a nibble on the hook he was dangling.  It was perhaps surprising that Christmas Eve was one of the busier days for prostitutes, but there were a lot of lonely people in the world and those who could afford ‘company’ usualy sought it out.

Since coming out of the hospital, he had gotten a client every evening.  Maybe it was the fancier clothes or the slightly healthier look the food and vitamins had given him that made him more desirable.  They didn’t pay much, but it had been enough to pay his rent and buy food for the week.  Loki had learned not to ask life for more than that.

Christmas came and went, and with it the city’s yearly dose of goodwill for people like him.  The slurs and cruel cat-calls made a return in the week between one holiday and the next.  By now, he was as good as immune to them, only paying attention to the tone they were delivered in so he could make himself scarce if they seemed like they would put their words into action.

He had been grateful for his new clothes more than once: they were much warmer than his old ones and with the amount of snow that fell down nearly daily he was putting them to good use.  He was very carefull of them too, since he knew he wouldn’t have money for new ones for a long time to come.

On New Years’ Eve, Loki had managed to get a rather central spot.  The bruises on his face were gone enough that they weren’t visible under the weak streetlights and like on Christmas, there were some people that came to the ‘strip’ instead of sitting lonely at home.  A couple of cars had already slowed down, but they had left again before anyone could approach them.  You got used to waiting as a prostitute.

A few hours before midnight an upper class car rolled slowly down the street.  Many of the girls immediately took notice:  the clients that came here were not often owners of such nice cars.  Loki smiled to himself as he saw them straightening their blouses over their ‘assets’ and rucking up their skirts just a tad higher.  This fish was well-off and everyone wanted to be the lucky person that caught him.

Loki knew his chances were slim: although he was the only guy, most clients came for a girl.  He was therefor surprised when the car pulled up to the sidewalk right where he stood leaning against a building.  He concealed his surprise and put on a sultry smile.  No matter how much disgust you personaly felt for a client, you never showed it or you didn’t last long.

He apporached the car just as the passenger-side window rolled down automaticaly.  “Hey there,” he said as he leaned down and then promptly shut up and took a quick step back.  His eyes were locked with deep blue ones and a smile greeted him.  It was the doctor from the clinic.  Loki’s mind panicked and made him freeze in place instead of doing the smart thing and running away.

Oooh, this was so not good!  Thor would probably tell his cop buddies and then they would arrest him after all.  He forced his mind to calm down: he hadn’t done anything wrong yet.  Nobody could prove a thing as long as they didn’t see him taking money from Thor.  His heartbeat slowly calmed again and he leaned back down when Dr Odinson called him.

“Loki, hey, calm down.  I’m not going to do anything to hurt you, remember?” At Loki’s hesitant nod, he patted the seat next to him.  “Come on, hop in.”

“I have to work tonight.” Loki stammered, thrown by the fact that Thor was still friendly.  If he was here, he had to know what Loki’s work entailed even if he was very careful to not mention it by name.

Thor’s eyes turned serious as he looked at him.  “I know.  I’ve known since the morning they brought you in.”  Loki couldn’t hold his gaze, feeling his cheeks tinge with shame as he looked at the curb.  He heard Thor sigh.  “Look, I’m really on your side here.  I know you need to earn money and I’ll be paying you for tonight.”

“You already payed.” Loki said softly.

“What?” Thor asked and Loki could nearly hear a frown appearing on his forehead.

“You already payed,” Loki repeated, “The fifty dollars in my jeans pocket?”  He looked back up as Thor hummed. 

“That was a Christmas present.” The doctor said gently.  Loki had no answer to that, so he just lightly scuffed the toe of his boot on the pavement.  “Come on.” Thor said again and this time he leaned over to push the door slightly open. 

Loki carefuly clambered in, making sure not to get any snow into the car and buckled up.  Thor pulled out a note from his wallet and pressed it into Loki’s hand.  A quick look at it made Loki’s eyes widen and he looked up at Thor in bewilderment.  “I have no change for this.” He said, feeling his fingers tremble around the piece of paper.

“I don’t want any change.” Thor said, checking his side-mirror before pulling back out into the traffic.

Loki looked at the bill in his hands again and wondered why a man who could shell out a hundred dollars on company just for one night would pick a prositute like Loki to spend it on.  He just didn’t understand Thor, although he felt a bit disappointed to know that even he apparently only wanted one thing from him, even if the fee was better.


	7. To date or not to date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters are the property of Marvel.

During the drive, Thor threw several quick looks at Loki where he sat in the passenger seat.  If he had thought Loki would be more open with him when they were on his own turf, that hope was sunk pretty quickly.  After the initial conversation, the dark-haired man hadn’t said anything for the past 15 minutes.  He seemed content to let Thor take them wherever, watching the city go by outside.

“How are the bruises?” he asked, not just to find a safe conversation topic but also because he was still first and foremost a doctor and Loki had been less than a hundred percent recovered when they had to let him go.

“Mostly healed.” Loki said, keeping his gaze averted, “I applied the cream and took the pills like you said.”

“Good,” Thor said, feeling relieved that Loki hadn’t tried to sell the medicine like some of his other patients would have.  He hadn’t found any evidence of drug-use on Loki, but maybe he had needed the money for something else.  He had seemed pretty worried about making his rent.  Thor had in part given him the fifty dollars because he knew that would increase the chance that Loki would keep taking the vitamins he needed.

He let the other have his peace then, paying closer attention to the traffic as they came across pockets of revelers headed for the central square where the countdown would take place.  He parked alongside the street a couple of blocks away from his own place.

Loki looked around curiously when they got out.  Thor tried to see things through Loki’s eyes as he gave him the time to take in his new environment.  The buildings were definitely nicer than in the neighborhood the clinic was in, there was colorful light coming from shops and christmaslights were still strung around the streets.  It didn’t seem to impress his companion as Thor had thought it would or if it did, he at least didn’t show it.

“We’re going over there.” Thor pointed.  The place in question was a family-run italian restaurant, small but comfortable with nice owners and patrons.  Thor had been going there for years and, as one of the regulars, had managed to reserve a table for two on this busy night.

He walked towards the door, Loki trailing behind him, and held it open for his companion.  The look he received as the dark-haired man passed him to go inside was puzzled.  Loki had probably expected to be brought straight to Thor’s apartment so that he could be used and tossed out the next morning.  The thought alone made Thor’s blood boil to think that it was a reality Loki had probably lived with for years.

Today was all about showing him that things didn’t need to be that way.  That there were people in the world that were decent and kind.  He just hoped that he would get through to Loki.  People in his position often had a very thick shell to protect themselves and as much as it helped them survive, it also kept them locked in the same situation.  Their routine was safety and all they had: it was scary and painful to fight to get ahead.  Thor hoped he could make that long road at least a bit easier if Loki chose to take it.  That was something he had learned the hard way: if people don’t want to change for themselves, you couldn’t do it for them.  Loki had to make those first steps himself although Thor couldn’t be blamed if he gave him a few gentle nudges.

A host came to greet them, making small-talk with Thor as he showed them to their table in the quietest corner of the restaurant.  They seated themselves and took the menus that were offered.  Loki looked jumpy and Thor deduced he had not been to a restaurant in the last few years, if ever.  The waiter left them so they could choose and Thor decided that in this case discretion was the better part of valor.  He therefore left Loki alone and opened his menu, stifling a smile as he heard Loki do the same opposite him.

The prices weren’t too high, but he knew they were still more than Loki could have afforded on his own.  He hoped the other wouldn’t take this evening as just Thor waving his wealth around to point out how much Loki was missing.  It was true that, despite everything he had seen in the clinic so far, Thor still had no real idea of what it was like to live in poverty.  His mother and father were, to use the slang for it, ‘loaded’.  Apart from a well-running company that would have allowed them to live comfortable for the rest of their lives even if Odin wouldn’t have worked a day past his fortieth, they had quite a bit of real-estate to their names.

And so, as a graduation-present, Thor had become the owner of several penthouses and an industrial site.  The monthly rent this brought him, allowed him to have a job that paid nothing and a place of residence that only cost him utility and insurance.  Thor would never have had to work one day in his life if he hadn’t wanted to.

Sometimes he thought that the fact he had started his clinic wasn’t really because he wanted to do good for others, but because he was ashamed of having so much when others had so little or nothing at all.  A different form of survivor’s guilt: when people on this world died each day from lack of food and clean water and he would never have to worry about such things.

Pushing his doubt aside, he watched as Loki was still watching the menu that lay in front of him.  He didn’t seem to be reading it though, so Thor thought he had made his choice and signaled the waiter.

“What may we get you and your friend this evening, mister Odinson?” the man asked, taking out his notepad.   

“I’ll have the vegetarian pizza, please, and a bottle of red wine.” Thor said, then looked at Loki, who was fidgeting with his cutlery.  The waiter had to lean in slightly to understand the order of a Hawaiian and when it was noted down he collected the menus and left them for a moment before returning with the bottle of wine and two glasses.  The bottle was placed on the table, along with the glasses and then they were alone again.  This was one of the reasons Thor had picked this establishment instead of a fancier one: they didn’t have to worry too much about wine-tasting and other rituals and could relax more.  Thor took hold of the bottle and reached for Loki’s glass, only to have the other quickly place his hand over the top.

Thor pulled back a little, startled by the first genuine reaction Loki had given all night.  He met the other’s eyes and saw a sort of... panic perhaps... in them. 

“I’m sorry,” Loki said softly, trying not to draw any attention to their table.  “I shouldn’t have...” he trailed off, fidgeting with his fork. 

Thor looked at him a moment longer before gathering himself.  “That’s alright.  I should have asked first anyway.  Is water alright or would you prefer something else?”

“Water is fine.” Loki said, eyes again cast downward.

Thor contemplated him while he poured Loki some of the water already on the table and then filled his own glass with wine.  Loki’s reaction to being given alcohol was a bit strong.  Strong enough, definitely, to have triumphed over the submissive behavior that seemed to be his natural state when around others.  Maybe Loki had bad memories associated with alcohol, some drunk could have hurt him.  Or maybe he had been an alcoholic himself and didn’t want to see if he could stop after one glass only to find out that he couldn’t.

It was frustrating: Thor badly wanted to help, but didn’t even know enough about Loki to be able to have a normal dinner.  Thor decided to prod gently so that Loki could decide how much of an answer he wanted to give.  “You don’t like wine?”

Loki struggled for words, a frown marring his forehead before ultimately volunteering.  “I don’t drink.”

“Alright,” Thor said.  The answer wasn’t really an answer at all, not in the way that it could provide Thor insight into what was going on.  It would have to do, though: Thor was not about to make Loki uncomfortable by pressing him for answers he wasn’t willing to give. 

They waited in silence until their pizza’s arrived.  Thor took the time to study Loki.  The dark-haired man sat bent slightly forward, hunching to make himself smaller.  When standing up straight, Thor though he would have only an inch or three on Loki.  The bruises in his face had faded almost completely and it took the well-lit interior of the restaurant to be able to pick them out.  Apart from the slouch, he sat and moved easily, meaning that there hadn’t been any complications.

The food arrived without Loki having once looked up from where his hands had been folded together on the table.  It smelled good and he was hungry enough to fall to immediately.  Loki took longer, obviously not used to having to wield fork and knife at the same time.  He caught onto the trick of it fast enough, neat little cuts severing piece after piece from his pie.  Thor smiled, imagining him as a surgeon bent over some complicated procedure.

“Do you like it?” he asked, giving Loki a polite smile as the other looked up with questioning eyes.  “The pizza,” he said, still in a calm tone.  It seemed safe enough ground for a conversation and a perfect way to break the silence.

“Yes, it’s very nice.” Loki said.  It was going to be harder than he though, getting Loki to open up, but then the other surprised him by giving a shy smile and adding: “I haven’t had pineapple in a really long time.”

Thor smiled back, genuine this time as Loki speared another piece of the fruit and nibbled on it.  “It’s fresh too, not that stuff you get in cans where you can’t taste anything over the flavor of the syrup they pour over it.”  Loki nodded politely, though Thor got the impression that he thought that pineapple was pineapple: you were lucky to have it syrup-flavored or not.  Still it was a step forward and Thor’s heart gave a little leap in joy.

The rest of the dinner passed that way and although Thor didn’t learn anything more about his guest, the fact that he was willing to open up and talk a little was enough to call the night a success.  Loki only finished half his pie (though he did eat the fruit from the other half) and declined to offer of desert.  He seemed content to look around while Thor finished his tiramisu and even gave a little smile when the rest of the place broke out in cheers at midnight.

“Happy New Year, Loki.” Thor said, stopping himself just in time from placing his hand over the other’s where it lay on the table.

For a moment, Loki looked so sad that Thor wondered what he had done wrong.  Bu then the green eyes glided away from his own and he forced a smile onto his lips.  “Happy New Year, doctor Odinson.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Thor said, motioning to the waiter for the bill.  He paid it and they ended up driving back to Thor’s apartment.  A space was reserved for him in the underground parking lot and from there they took the elevator up to the penthouse.  Thor took Loki’s coat when they entered, hanging it up together with his own.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asked, drifting into the kitchen and taking out a bottle of water for himself.  He had only drunk the one glass of wine in the restaurant, not wanting to make Loki uncomfortable by drinking in front of him.  He came back into the living room to find Loki standing stiffly at the picture window and looking out over the partying city.  The last of the fireworks were still exploding and the light fell over his sharp figure, making Thor stop in his tracks.

Loki was beautiful, but unlike in earlier relationships that beauty didn’t inspire the need to be intimate with him.  It was as if Thor’s body realized that it would only chase the other man away.

“Loki?” he asked softly, and when the other turned around, he held up the water bottle questioningly.

“Oh,” he said, shaking his head, black hair flowing around his face, “no, thank you.”  He was warier then he had been at the restaurant, eyes flitting around the room, taking in possible exits.  Thor was no fool and he had felt Loki tensing up more and more as they got closer to his apartment.  He was probably hoping to get it over with fast and painless and Thor once more felt a pulse of anger for what had been done to Loki.

“The bedroom is over there if you’re tired.” Thor said, “I’ll just get some blankets for the couch first and then I’ll leave you to it.”

“Leave me?” Loki asked.  The puzzled expression made him look adorable and Thor busied himself with putting his bottle down on the coffee table to fight the urge to push a lock of black hair behind a delicate ear.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing and buy you dinner.” Thor said as he stood back up.

“But...” Loki said, still not comprehending, “but you paid me.  A lot.”

“I didn’t want you to miss a night of income.” Thor explained.  “I had fun, it was worth every dollar.”

“You’re really going to sleep on the couch?” Loki asked.  “It doesn’t seem right I get the bed after all you did already.”

“No offence, Loki” Thor said, “but you could probably use a good night’s sleep more than I will miss it.” He got the necessary blankets and spread them over the couch before showing Loki the rest of the apartment.  “The bathroom’s here, the fridge is over there if you get thirsty and I’ll be right in the living room if you need anything else.”

Loki hesitated a moment more, then whispered “Goodnight.” and disappeared into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“Goodnight, Loki.” Thor whispered back, pressing a hand to the wood in a strange sort of blessing.  He ambled back to the couch and spent some time getting comfortable before closing his eyes and going to sleep.


	8. Reaching the edge and falling off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: characters belong to Marvel as per usual.

Loki stood very still on the other side of the bedroom door.  A faint tremble coursed through his hands as he found his system filling with adrenaline.  Every moment now, Thor would change his mind and storm into the room, demanding they have sex after all.  No-one shelled out that amount of money in one evening, threw in dinner and then retreated to sleep on the couch.

He shot back a step when he heard a slight noise against the door, muscles tensing up.  Now, Thor would reveal his true nature, he would come in and ...

But the footsteps were moving away from the door and however much Loki strained his hearing, nothing but the sounds of a person retiring for the night reached his ears.  He could hear the sofa creak, imagined the doctor trying to get himself comfortable on a piece of furniture that wasn’t suited to being slept on.

Loki’s lungs emptied themselves in a shuddering rush.  He walked backwards until he could sit down on the bed and stared unseeingly at the door.  He was confused more than relieved: this wasn’t anything he had ever experienced before.  As much as he hated the normal routine of being picked up, fucked and tossed aside, it was familiar and he knew just what to do during each stage.  This night, though, he had been bewildered from the moment Thor had handed him those hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars.  That was what he normally made in a week now.  It had been more once, but that was when he had still been underage or able to pass for it.  A thousand ideas shot through his mind about what to do with all that money.  He took the bill out of his pocket, smoothing it out on his thigh.  It was a large part of the rent for sure, maybe he could spend a little more on food this month.  Maybe even buy some vegetables or fruit.

The thought of fruit brought with it the taste of the pineapple he had had earlier.  It really had tasted good, even when his nerves had made everything else rather tasteless.  Probably the only good thing about the entire dinner.

Gods, the dinner.  He hoped he had come through it without looking like a complete idiot, but he doubted it very much.  He knew he wasn’t as sofisticated as normal people but he still didn’t like looking maladapted in front of others.  He was judged enough for his job, he didn’t need to be judged for his person as well.

It had been years since Loki had last had an occasion to eat out and though the dual wielding of knife and fork had come back to him after a while, it was not a natural movement and he had had to focus all his concentration on not letting them slip up and let the pieces of pizza fly all around the table.

Even before that, there had been the menu.  Thank everything holy that it had been a glorified pizzeria and he had been able to order his childhood favorite.  He hadn’t had the chance to read more than streetsigns or publicity slogans since he had run away from his foster home and even before that his grades had been terrible.  He had dreaded having to sound the whole thing out in his head, that Thor would think him a simpleton on top of being a cheap whore. 

And then the incident with the wine.  Loki groaned and buried his head in his hands.  He hadn’t wanted to make a scene, to hint at yet another of his problems, but he hadn’t trusted himself to not drink it when it stood poured out in front of him.  Tempting him with an easy way to quieten his nerves.  He hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol in over four years and if there was one thing he could be proud of, it was that.  He couldn’t risk four years of sobriety for the sake of momentarily feeling a little better.

Loki’s stint as an alcoholic had started after he found himself on the streets at the age of 17.  He had left his foster parents behind, hopped on the nearest train going anywhere and had only gotten off again at the end of the line.  With several hundred miles between him and the place of his birth and only a duffelbag filled with clothes and the small sum of money he had hoarded over the years, he had left the station and started walking.

He had tried to find work those first few days, but he clearly was too young to be employed in a normal business and had too little experience for anything else.  Well, anything but the trade he had been pushed into the last years by his father.  He unfortunately had plenty of experience with that. 

He held out as long as he could, but in far too short a time his money was gone, his stomach was cramping with hunger and he had had to let go of the last of his dreams and pride.  That very same night he had let himself be picked up by some guy who had payed him rather handsomely for a night of fun in his apartment.  Loki had left there the next morning, had taken his money to a liquour store in a shadier part of town that didn’t mind selling to kids and had drunk himself into oblivion. 

It only took a quarter of a bottle of scotch to do it, since he hadn’t been used to the stuff, and the first few mouthfulls had tasted vile, but after that everything got progressively better.  Pretty soon he was getting buzzed through the day and fucked by night, just to have the money to keep himself numbed.

At first he stopped in time to be pretty much sober by the time he went looking for costumers.  He was working his boyish charm as an angle to attract people and being drunk wasn’t part of that.  Most of his clients treated him pretty good: almost all of them were at least a decade and a half older than him and they seemed to want to take care of him instead of just fuck him.  Not enough to let him stay past the morning of course, but they usualy gave him breakfast and let him use the shower.

His clothes he washed in the laundromat.  It was warm there and relatively safe and he could nap to catch up on missing sleep.  The police didn’t harass people sleeping in laundromats like they did teens who they found asleep in alleys.  Loki had had to make a break for it several times in the beginning until he knew enough to keep himself out of their sights. 

Gradualy, however, he started drinking more and more.  His tolerance for alcohol got higher and he needed more to feel the same buzz he had before.  His eyes got bloodshot, he neglected to buy regular meals, he didn’t wash his clothes that often anymore.  The deterioration of his general state rebounded on his ability to attract clients.  Most of his regulars now picked up others, the few that stuck with him payed less and didn’t let him stay the night anymore.

Loki drank more to give himself a sense of warmth during the nights.  He drank to forget what a mess his life was, where he would get his next bottle, where he would sleep the next time exhaustion forced him to sit down.  He drank to forget the fact that he probably wouldn’t live to celebrate his 21th birthday.

He was sliding lower and lower on the ladder of humanity.  People crossed the street instead of just walking past him without even consciously noticing they were doing it.  His hands shook when he went without booze too long, but it was getting harder and harder to sustain his habbit.  He turned 18 and was alone in a makeshift shelter, celebrating with a bottle of vodka.  His usual haunts for picking up clients didn’t work anymore and so he moved to another part of town: rundown and with a bad reputation.

Most of that alcohol-soaked year was now nothing more than a fog in his memory, the only occasion that stood out was the thing that turned his life back around, and that he didn’t want to remember.

_It had been four days since he had eaten last and he was sitting in an alley with a nearly-empty bottle of something.  Shuffling steps closed in on his position and a man called out.  Loki blinked quikly to focus his eyes.  He thought he had seen the man approaching him before.  It was clear that he lived on the streets as well: unkempt and skinny as he was._

_“You got anything left in that bottle for me, friend?” the man asked, pointing hopefully at the bottom of booze left._

_Loki shook his head: he needed those last swallows to get him through the night._

_"Come on man, just one sip.” The other cajoled, coming closer until he was only a foot away._

_It was the wrong thing to do, Loki was on his feet much faster than should have been possible in his state, picking up a plank from the rubbish all around him and aimed a swing at the other.  The man gave a cry and was obviously less drunk than Loki, because he managed to dodge and backtrack quickly towards the entry of the alley._

_“You’re insane, man!  They ought to put you away!” he shouted over his shoulder as he got away from the volatile drunk._

_All the anger drained out of Loki then and he fell hard on his knees, wooden board falling with a rattle against the concrete.  Those words, almost the exact same words he had shouted at his own father what seemed like a lifetime ago.  Oh dear gods, he was as bad as Laufey had been; a perfect little copy of his father._

_His stomach heaved and he turned to the side, bringing up all the cheap alcohol he had consumed that night.  Crying and shivering he crawled away from the mess, kicking the bottle over and watching it spill the last of the amber fluid among the newspapers._

He had sat in that alley the rest of the night, desperate to turn his life around.  He thought until his eyes closed and he slept, startling awake many times as his body tried to force him to go and find the next drink.  He had to dig deep for his willpower, but some of it was still there, buried underneath the substance abuse and the prositution.  It helped him focus on what was important.

It had been hard, going through the detox-phase alone, the constant thought that if he had just one drink everything would be better always at the back of his mind.  He went to wash his clothes, washed himself in a public toilet and stole food out of dumpsters to build his strength back up.  He started saving what he could of his payments now that he could score a few costumers again.  After close to half a year, he had enough money to rent the apartment he currently lived in.  It had become his salvation and every time the urge to drink got stronger, he reminded himself of how he couldn’t afford it because he never wanted to live on the street again.

Despite the fact that he had remained strong in his conviction, everyone that had found out looked down upon him even more then when he was just ‘the whore’.  He didn’t like how it could still ruin him years after he had watched the last of his bottles run out in an alley.  He hoped Thor wouldn’t ask about it, though he accepted that he most likely had drawn his conclusions already.  Maybe that was why he had left Loki alone and not demanded his ‘company’.  He was lucky he hadn’t been kicked out.

Loki sighed and stowed the bill back into his pocket from where he had been absentmindedly playing with it.  He took off his shoes, but not the rest of his clothes, though Thor had laid out pajamas for him when he had come in to fetch the sheets.  Pulling his legs onto the bed, he curled up on his side, facing the door in case he needed to wake up and react fast.  Only then did he finally drift of into sleep.


	9. Slowly working closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel.
> 
> If this seems a little below standard, I'm blaming everything on the men's figure skating competition. Because there was some seriously gorgeous ice-skating going on and I just couldn't resist :)

Thor woke the next morning due to the sun insistently shining into his eyes.  Which was weird because his bedroom had blackout curtains because he worked in shifts and needed a dark room to sleep in.  His momentary disorientation was gone the moment he blinked his eyes open and found himself on the couch in his living room.

Different muscle-aches started to make themselves known as he lay on his back on the sofa with a grin that he knew was stupid beyond all measure.  Last night had gone really well for a first outing, even if he did think so himself.  He hadn’t heard Loki leave yet, which meant he was probably still asleep in Thor’s bed. 

The temptation to go and check on his guest was too much, and Thor heaved himself up and crept on bare feet to the door of his bedroom.  Slowly, so very slowly he pushed the door handle down and thanked the powers that be for well-oiled hinges as the door swung open noiselessly.  In the little light that came in from the hallway, he could see Loki lying curled up on his side, facing the door.  He was still wearing his clothes and lay on top of the covers, but Thor decided that he would count it a win that he was obviously sleeping.

He closed the door in the same slow way and retreated to the kitchen where he set about preparing breakfast for two.  It was nice to have company to cook for and he found himself humming as he buttered the skillet and took several eggs and some bacon out of the fridge.  Normally he had only himself to look after and it showed in the minimal effort he usually put into his own food.  He would more often pick up something on his way to work and then have take out when he got back home.

Luckily his mother sometimes came over and expected to be fed while she was there.  Thor thought she mostly did it to make sure her son had one decent meal in him.  He had become quite good at making sure the fridge was stocked so he had something to work with during her surprise visits.  He also had the sneaking suspicion that someone at the clinic was keeping her informed on when Thor was and wasn’t there because she always seemed to pick the right moment to drop by.

He whisked the eggs and poured them around the crisping bacon as he thought about what his mother would think about Loki.  She had supported Thor with all her being when he started the clinic, even talking her husband around when he had raged at Thor that it was a stupid move and how could he ever expect to amount to anything in such a place.  Luckily, Odin had since then calmed down and seen the happiness the clinic brought him because those first few months had been really awkward between them.

The problem was that his mother had never interacted with people from the lowest ranks of society directly.  Thor knew from experience that it was something you had to get used to.  You had to be prepared to do more than talk, to step out of your comfort zone and mingle.  The true wealth of these people lay in the love they had to give and Thor had been moved to tears several times when someone paid him by throwing their arms around him and babbling their thanks, in English or otherwise.

So if his mother was presented to Loki, would she only see the damaged person on the outside or would she see the potential locked inside with nowhere to go because of circumstances he had probably been unable to change himself?

The scent of food must have woken Loki up because Thor saw him standing in the doorway when he turned around to grab some spices.  He was hunched in on himself with his arms crossed in front of him to create even more distance between them.  He still looked a little tired, but his eyes were alert enough.

“Good morning.” Thor greeted him.

“Hello.” Came the rather timid reply.  Loki licked his lips nervously before saying “I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be leaving now.”

“You’re leaving?” Thor asked, good mood dropping a level, “I mean,” he corrected himself, not wanting to come across like he was trying to control Loki’s movements, “You’re free to do whatever you want of course, but I had hoped you’d want to have breakfast with me.”

Loki looked conflicted between the promise of a free meal and the possibility to get out of the environment that had been forced upon him, however gentle that force had been. 

“Just breakfast,” Thor wheedled, “I could give you a ride back too, I'm going to the clinic anyway.”

Loki hesitated a moment more before approaching the table and seating himself, keeping a wary eye on Thor's movements.  Thor smiled at him and continued his preparations, dividing the eggs and bacon onto two plates when they were done.  He placed Loki's in front of him, careful not to make any movements that could be considered aggressive.

“Thank you.” the dark haired man said, taking his knife and fork more easily than he had last night and digging in.  Thor switched between eating and covertly watching him, mentally calculating how much nutrients he had gotten into him last night and this morning.  He was quite pleased with the result, even though Loki finished neither meal.

Instead of pushing him to eat more, Thor merely smiled when they were both done and cleared the plates.  He left Loki in the kitchen with a cup of tea while he found himself some clean clothes and took a quick shower.  When he came back, the other man had moved to the living room and had obviously tidied up.  The blankets Thor had used had been neatly folded and now rested on the arm of the sofa.  A quick peek in the kitchen revealed the plates they had eaten from had been done as well.

“Ready?” Thor asked, taking his own coat seeing how Loki was dressed already.  They made the trip to the garage and then to Loki’s neighborhood in silence.  He had decided to drop Loki off where he had picked him up.  He had memorized the other’s address, but decided it would look too stalkerish to reveal that fact.

When he pulled up to the curb, Loki unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out without further comment.  Thor wanted to shout after him, if only to say goodbye, when the dark haired man bent down.  The look on his face said he still didn’t really know what to do with someone who had treated him like Thor had, but that he had shifted from wary to warily grateful.

“Thank you.” Loki said in a soft voice, for once meeting Thor’s eyes.  “For dinner and breakfast.  And for not ratting me out to the cops.”

“Hey,” Thor replied, equally softly, “I know that there are people that have to do what they can to survive.  I’m not going to tell anyone and I’m not going to judge you about it.”

Loki nodded, even though he didn’t look a 100% convinced yet.  That was alright: things like this could only be fixed with a liberal amount of patience and Thor had known there was no miracle cure when he had gotten involved.  He decided to take a chance and said: “Can I pick you up again next Friday?”

Loki’s eyes widened a little in surprise.  “I...” he started.

Thor looked at him pleadingly.  “I promise I’ll show up.  I’ll even be early.  When do you normally get here?”

“Around 8.” Loki said, though he was obviously a bit overwhelmed. 

Thor silently kicked himself for pushing, even though he had promised himself he wouldn’t.  He knew he couldn’t just order Loki not to go with someone else that night: plenty of people had probably promised him all kinds of stuff without ever making good on those promises.  If Thor wanted to show Loki he was true to his word, he would have to be the first that showed up that night.  He gave Loki a reassuring smile and a nod.  “Eight it is then.  Take care of yourself alright?  I’ll see you on Friday.”

Loki gave him another look like he desperately wanted to know what was going on in Thor’s head, but he also nodded in acceptance of their deal.  “Friday.” He acknowledged and then he stepped away from the car, stuffing his hands in his jeans pockets to keep them warm.  Thor gave a last wave and pulled back into traffic, seeing the slender silhouette get smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror.

He completed the rest of his drive, parked his car and walked into the clinic, aiming for his office so he could collect his white coat.

When he opened the door, Coulson and Barton looked up at him.  Coulson’s eyebrows rose marginally but Barton let out a wolf-whistle.  “Looks like someone got laid last night.  Looking good, boss-man.” he greeted.

Thor frowned while Phil just rolled his eyes and refocused on the form he was filling out.  “I did not ‘get laid’, Clint.” He told the male nurse.

“I don’t know, man, you look like you did.” At Thor’s raised eyebrow he explained: “You know, all glowy and disgustingly happy for the morning after New Year’s Eve.”

“You look happy yourself.” Thor countered, “That doesn’t mean...”

“Oh, but it does, because I totally got laid last night.” The short-haired man said, “So give me the details already.”

“No details,” Phil’s flat tone interrupted them, “I don’t need to know such things about either of you.  Barton, get to work.  Thor if you have a minute, I need your signature on some stuff.”

“Spoilsport,” Clint muttered, but there was a teasing smirk about his lips.  Thor had to bite his lower lip to keep his own contained.  The nurse had made it his life’s mission to get a rise from Coulson at every opportunity he could get.  So far, he hadn’t garnered more than an annoyed sigh, but this didn’t seem to dissuade him in the least.  “See you later, Thor.” He now said as he closed the door bind him.

“Sorry about that,” Thor said as he grabbed his coat and shrugged into it.

Phil looked at him, his head tilted slightly.  “You went out with Loki last night, didn’t you?”

Thor gaped at him, mouth hanging open comically.  “How..?”

Phil waved the rest of the question away.  “It’s not hard to deduce: you’ve been down ever since he got discharged and now you show up all smiles and ...glow.  You’re an adult, Thor, and far be it from me to dictate your choices for you, but please be careful with this.  We worry for you,” Phil gestured around him to include the staff at the clinic in his statement, “And this has so much potential to go horribly wrong.”  He sighed and steepled his fingers, “Don’t do anything you might have cause to regret later.”

Thor looked at him for a long time.  The people who worked here were more than just his staff, they were his friends.  It was nice to know they worried for him, but less nice that they thought he was no better than the romantic lead in some cheap romance novel that forgot everything sensible at the first smile from her one true love.

“Thanks, Phil.” He replied, “But the only thing I’ll regret is doing nothing.”

Phil nodded.  “I thought you would say that, I even understand to a certain degree, but if you ever need to talk about it...” he let his offer trail of.

“Thanks,” Thor said again, more genuine this time.  “Now, did you really need my signature or was that just a ruse to get rid of Clint?”

Phil gave him an utterly innocent look and then pushed a veritable tower of paper his way, while Thor groaned and took a seat and a pen.  He wouldn’t be leaving his office for the next hour it seemed.      


	10. What is this thing called hope?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they are the property of Marvel.

Loki stood on the curb, watching Thor’s car until it disappeared around a corner. He had no idea why he had told Thor where to find him, or why he had agreed to wait for him. Something about the doctor threw him, made him act more like he had when he was younger and more trusting. It was a dangerous mindset for a prostitute, he knew, likely to get him killed.

For a moment, he hated Thor, hated everything he stood for with his rich clothes and spending money like it would never run out. Who did he think he was anyway, to bring Loki this close to feeling the faintest stirrings of hope for something better? No matter, the feeling fizzled out soon enough. It was tiresome to keep high emotions going and after last evening and this morning, all of Loki’s emotional fortitude seemed to be spent.

Giving a silent shrug to himself, he turned around and began the walk back to his apartment. The working crowd was absent, and it took a few moments for Loki to realize it was New Year’s Day. The calendar usually meant little to him: apart from variations in the weather every months was the same. Struggle to get the rent paid and to eat, then do it all over again. And again, and again. It was enough to drive anyone to a depression really. Loki knew of a few people in his neighborhood who had taken their own life rather than to continue to exist in the hopeless situation they had found themselves in for most of their years.

It was easy to get isolated in conditions like this: people where job-less, their self-esteem was low and they lacked any kind of social safety net. People always said that men had to be tough; they were the providers, their success measured by how much wealth and power they had. What you had when you lived in a dump like Loki’s apartment complex was nothing. It weighed on your mind and after years of it some people just cracked. They had control over nothing, except their own death.

Loki counted himself lucky that he hadn’t reached that point yet, but he knew that if he stayed where he was for several more years, he would be right in the middle of the group with the highest suicide risk.

He shook the morbid thoughts from his mind as he reached the door to his own little space and let himself in. No need bringing up such depressing things before their time after all. Today he had more cause for celebration anyway. He took the bill from his pocket and stashed it safely in his little metal box.

Settling himself on his bed on his back, he put his hands behind his head and dared to dream a little. Hundred dollars meant he could have a few good meals with actual vegetables and meat instead of crackers and jam or noodles in a cup.

A little voice in the back of his mind whispered it also meant he wouldn’t have to go out tonight, maybe not even tomorrow. He squashed it ruthlessly: life was never sure and you took every opportunity to make money because you never knew when you would hit a low in your income.

This street-rule was also why he was so surprised at himself for accepting Thor’s deal for Friday. He didn’t know if Thor had seen that Loki had only agreed to avoid causing a fight. If Thor was there he would go with him, but if he wasn’t and someone else showed up, Loki would have to take the option that would get him paid. That was all there was to it in the end: Loki’s preferences had nothing to do with it.

Friday was still 4 nights away though, and Loki went out for all of them. It was a good week and he got picked up twice and paid reasonably well. It faded into nothing compared to what Thor had paid but (so Loki reminded himself) that had been the exception to the rule and he had better not forget it. He was a cheap whore and to live above that station would get him no costumers. Thor would come to his senses soon enough and move on to better pastures anyway, no sense becoming attached to him or his ridiculous tips.

Despite his resolution to put Thor from his mind, his thoughts kept betraying him by returning to him. As a result his mood shifted from one side of the spectrum to the other. That dangerous feeling of near-hope refused to die entirely, no matter how many times he made himself think of all the men that had made promises to him when he had been younger. If they hadn’t deemed it worth it to keep them when Loki had still had a chance of redemption, why would Thor do so now when Loki knew there where much better people to invest in.

By the time Friday evening presented itself, a low level tension had taken up residence along Loki’s spine. His rational mind told him to treat it like any other night and that Thor would have forgotten his promise the minute he had driven away. His heart on the other hand, kept whispering that Thor was different. In all those years, he had been the only one to pay him for companionship instead of sex. The only one not to judge Loki for how he was forced to sell himself. He would come and even if he would demand sex this time, that hardly made him worse than any other client that had ever picked him up.

Loki settled against his usual wall at 10 minutes to eight. The street looked like it always did: girls smiling at men, their fake laughter ringing out between the high-rises around them. Cars driving by to check out the scene, every once in a while stopping to let someone in before driving off again.

He bit his lower lip, one of his legs jostling with nerves. He forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down before someone thought he was an addict desperate for a next fix and called the cops on him. Instead he wrapped his arms around himself and tried to look disinterested.

Minutes went by and doubt began to settle in his heart, chewing at the small bud of could-have-been-hope. The digital clock hanging from a closed shop nearby displayed in glowing red digits the time he had been waiting for and then added more and more seconds. Loki waited.

Five minutes past eight. _He’s not coming._

Seven past. _He’s not coming and you’re stupid for ever thinking he would._

Quarter past. _Maybe he was held up by traffic or an emergency. Maybe he found someone better than you and decided to stop wasting time on a lowly whore._

Twenty-three past. A car pulled up at his side of the road, but it wasn’t Thor’s. Loki swallowed something painful that lodged in his throat and sauntered over. “Hi.” He greeted the man that was already looking him up and down.

The guy gave him a grin. “Hey, yourself. What’s your price, baby?”

“Forty dollars.” Loki said, the price he always gave and which people always haggled about so that he was lucky if he got anything above 20.

“Let’s say thirty and I’ll find us a real bed.” The man said, “Bet that’s a deal you don’t get every day, right?”

_Is this really how you want to spend your night?_ His mind asked him, _Being picked up by a forty year old asshole who looks down on you while he fucks you in some cheap motel?_ Of course it wasn’t, it had never been what he had wanted. He was sick to death of being treated like he was little better than an animal, sick of having to play nice with men twice his age who thought he was only good as a quick fuck.

It had never been what he had wanted, but he had accepted it. And now he had had a taste of how it could have been with Thor. Thor who, more than just not having sex with him, had treated him like a person. Thor who had tried to have a conversation with him, like Loki’s opinions mattered and were interesting to hear about.

And now he couldn’t stomach getting into this guy’s car. Not tonight when damn it, he had allowed his heart to have just a smidgen of hope and it had been stepped on and ground out.

“I’m sorry,” he said to his would-be costumer, “I can’t.”

“Suit yourself.” The guy said with a shrug, “Plenty of fish in the sea after all.” He closed his window and drove away. The tears welling up in Loki’s eyes made his vision blurry and he knew that he wouldn’t be capable of staying out here tonight. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he started to walk home.

He was halfway there when tires screeched behind him and a door was slammed shut. Heavy footsteps came his way and then a deep voice. “Loki! Loki, wait, please.”

Loki stiffened, a deer caught in the proverbial headlights, but he didn’t look around. The footsteps approached at a trot and then Thor appeared in his line of vision. He looked rumpled and out of breath, like he had run 10 miles instead of a mere hundred meters.

“I’m sorry, I’m late I know, I’m really sorry.” The blond said, holding his hands out pleadingly, “I promised I’d be here at 8 and I wasn’t and I’m an idiot. Can you forgive me, please?”

Loki looked at Thor, who just stood there, begging for his pardon. Saw in Thor’s eyes the same emotion that had been trying to worm its way into Loki’s heart these last days after years of absence. Hope. Hope that it was not too late, that Loki could find it in him to forgive him whatever delay had caused him to be tardy, that Loki would want to go with him tonight. Thor was basically laying their fate in Loki’s hands, was giving him control of the situation.

Loki realized then that it was time to take a leap of faith. Thor had said he would return for him and he had. He had given Loki’s heart something to hold onto, something that had been mere wisps and vapors when he extended the invitation and that had now solidified into something real and wonderful by Thor’s presence in front of him. He just had to have the courage to reach out and take it.

“Yes,” Loki said, watching as relief coursed through the face in front of him. “Yes, I forgive you.” And for once he didn’t bother holding back his own smile as Thor wrapped his arms around him and whispered “Thank you.” over and over.


	11. Promises and dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they belong to Marvel.

The week seemed to drag itself forward, the hours seeming longer than ever, minutes without end marching by as they strung together to form the hours that made up each day. Thor settled into his normal routine: working at the clinic where the flue seemed to be on the rise, a visit to his mother and father to wish them Happy New Year, going home to his penthouse to sleep.

The first night after Loki had slept in it, or on it as the better description was, Thor had been able to smell him on the sheets. The scent of cheap soap and below that of Loki himself, down-to-earth yet somehow untouchable. He had missed having another presence in the house, even if that presence had been mostly silent.

The only real break in his week had been on Thursday, when Steve and Bucky had come by. Thor had greeted them warmly, taken them to his office and provided them with coffee and chairs.

“What can I do for you today,” he addressed Steve after they all had a sip of their beverages. It wasn’t Starbucks, but Natasha had managed to make it taste pretty good.

“Nothing actually.” Steve said, and at Thor’s raised eyebrow he continued with, “After our chat about Loki, I did some further digging and I thought you might be interested.” He shared a grin with Bucky when Thor immediately leaned forward.

“We cross-referenced his first name with the state’s database of runaways and came up empty.” Bucky took up the story, “But since Loki isn’t that common a name, we decided it was worth the try to put it into the national database.”

“And you got a hit.” Thor ventured, seeing where this was going. His conscience was telling him it wasn’t nice to go behind people’s backs to obtain information about them. He wouldn’t want anyone to do the same with him and knew that it would really bother Loki, who had taken pains to not tell them his last name. His rational mind told him that any information on how to better approach the dark haired man could only benefit his handling of the situation.

“We did,” Steve confirmed, “There was a runaway by the name of Loki Nal that fits his age and description. He disappeared from his foster home a month after being placed there. A report was filed, but they never found him.”

“Not difficult if you consider the number of people to go missing every year and the fact that he crossed a great many states to end up here.” Bucky sighed. He placed his empty cup on the desk and refused a refill, “Still, they could have done more, especially since the kid had been hospitalized with such suspicious injuries a few weeks earlier.”

“Let me guess,” Thor said, feeling his chest tighten with anger, “he fell down some stairs.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, “the foster parents had that excuse ready. A new home, getting up in the night to have a drink of water and stumbling on the stairs which led to a number of bruises and a sprained ankle. There was no history of abuse from any of the other foster children they had had, so the attending physician bought it and the incident only came to light when there was a disappearance to investigate.”

“He must have just gotten on a train and stayed on until the end of the line.” Steve speculated. “Smart of him: the train is the least traceable of all transportation, unless you count walking and that wouldn’t bring you very far.”

“So, is he in trouble for running away?” Thor asked.

“If he ever was, that changed when he turned 18.” Bucky said, “He’s as free as the rest of us are now, at least in that aspect.”

“He’d been placed because his father died,” Steve picked up, “Mother left when he was 11 and was reported deceased two years ago. His brothers have been AWOL for a long time, they could be anywhere. He had nothing to stay for and nothing to return to.”

Thor nodded and took another sip of his coffee, trying to picture Loki on a train, going anywhere and not looking back. The picture his mind conjured up couldn’t have been more different from himself at that age: clad in expensive clothes, the whole world his oyster and just the slightest bit arrogant about it.

Steve and Bucky had stayed a few moments more to talk about the community outreach project they were working on setting up and Thor offered them the use of their waiting room when they got it off the ground. Another round of claps on the shoulder and the officers were off to continue their shift and Thor could resume his consultations. The information he had gained he mulled over slowly, fitting it into the overall picture he had of Loki, glad it made him more aware of possible painful points.

The next day, he was up bright and early, singing to himself in his car as he drove to the hospital. Thor had been waiting days for Friday to come rolling around, thinking up things he could do with Loki. Maybe catch a movie or just have pizza delivered and watch tv. Of course, that was why all his plans went to hell in a hand basket as soon as he stepped foot in the clinic that morning.

Thor blinked as he pushed open the doors and saw all the people in the waiting room. He grabbed a hold of Sif as she passed by, asking her what the rush was.

“Our flue has become an epidemic,” Sif said, pushing a hank of her dark hair behind her ear and looking more frazzled than he had ever seen her, “The waiting room has been full since last night and on top of that Dr. Richards, Dr. Strange and Natasha called in sick. We’ve been doing all we can, but I’m really glad to see you.”

“Strange is sick too?” Thor asked, feeling his stomach drop. Stephen was supposed to come in at 6pm so Thor could leave and get ready in time to pick up Loki.

“Yeah,” Sif said, frowning at him and putting a hand to his forehead, “You look pale, don’t tell me you have it too.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Thor said distractedly, “We should call Bruce, see if he can take over tonight.”

“He’s got that conference, remember, he told us months ago.” Sif told him, sinking his hopes of an easy solution. There was nothing for it, Thor would have to look for another doctor to take over during his break, but first he had people to treat.

The day passed in a blur of patients, this year’s flue-strain being particularly hard on the very young and very old. Luckily working as a doctor had made Thor mostly immune, but he still washed his hands very regularly and was careful not to shake hands with anyone. With two of his colleagues already down and a third out of town, the clinic could not afford to lose any more.

Thor barely had time for lunch as he called one person after another on his list of back-up doctors. It was only after the twentieth call that he found someone to help them out. Dr Betty Ross was an acquaintance of Bruce and a capable physician. She would be there as soon as she could after her own practice closed for that day and Thor thanked her profusely in advance.

His anxiety about not being able to keep his promise to Loki abated with a solution in place and he was able to finish his afternoon with something close to his usual cheerful nature. Only when it was passing 6 pm did his nerves return.

By the time 7 pm rolled around and Dr Ross was still not there, Thor felt like he was indeed going to be sick. He couldn’t leave the clinic without a doctor in charge, not only would he loose his funding, he might loose his license for gross negligence.

Finally Betty rushed in, already pulling on her white coat and meeting Thor in the lobby. “I’m so sorry,” she said, “I couldn’t get away earlier.”

With a calm he sure as hell wasn’t feeling, Thor took her hands and pressed them shortly. “It’s alright, you’re here now and you’re a real life saver.   Thank you, I owe you a big favor.”

“I’ll think of something,” Betty laughed and shooed him off.

Thor didn’t need telling twice. He ran to his car, not bothering to drop off his own coat, merely wadding it up and throwing it somewhere in the back. He stepped on it, making the engine growl angrily. The clock read 8:20 and Thor cursed and slapped his thigh just to have an outlet for his frustration. What mustn’t Loki be thinking?

“Please, please, let him still be there.” He muttered to the powers-that-be, although the way they had been treating him that day, he wouldn’t be surprised if that prayer went unanswered as well.

Thor ran two red lights in his haste to get to the stretch of street he knew Loki was on before slowing down and looking along the sidewalk. His stomach, which had been in knots for the last hours, dropped when he didn’t see the dark-haired man in his usual spot. Too late, the only time that it mattered and he was too late.

His hands were shaking on the wheel and he had to pull over some hundred meters further because he was afraid he would crash his car otherwise. He put it in park and jerked a hand roughly through his messy hair, cursing his luck and all the things that had led him to breaking his promise.

When he looked up again, his eyes fell on the back of a dark-haired man in a very familiar jacket. He was hunched in on himself and walking away from the strip. Thor blinked a few times, but the sight didn’t change and then he ripped the key from the ignition, while struggling to unbuckle himself at the same time.

“Hurry, you idiot.” He hissed as he managed to get out of the car and started after Loki. If only the other would give him the chance to explain, maybe something could be saved after all. “Loki!” he yelled, not caring about the people that gave him funny stares as he pelted down the sidewalk, “Loki, wait, please!”

The figure in front of him stopped and Thor put in a burst of speed, feeling his heart hammer in his chest. He went around Loki and came to a stop in front of him. He brought up his hands half in a desperate bid to keep the dark-haired man there, half in a plea to hear him out. Afterwards he couldn’t have repeated his words, he only knew that he was babbling and begging at the same time and that Loki was looking at him with eyes that were slightly red-rimmed as if he was going to cry at any moment.

“Can you forgive me, please?” Thor said just before he ran out of breath. He knew that there was nothing to add, this was Loki’s decision now and all he could do was hope that the final answer would be what he hoped for.

Loki didn’t say anything immediately and Thor didn’t dare to move, just watched the thin face go through a number of emotions, some too quick to even catalog. When Loki spoke those 4 words his body moved without his conscious input and the next thing he knew, his arms were around the fragile body, hugging him.

“Thank you,” Thor choked out and then again, almost unable to stop with the pure relief that flowed through him. “Thank you, thank you , thank you.”

Finally he could convince himself to pull his arms back and take a step back with a deep breath. He felt himself blush at the way he had reacted: he should count himself lucky that Loki hadn’t pushed him away. A swift glance upward revealed the last traces of a smile on the other’s face though and Thor felt his own lips quirk upward in response.

“I really am sorry,” he said, “there’s a flue epidemic in the clinic and the doctor who was supposed to take over my shift fell ill too.” When Loki simply nodded, Thor decided to change the topic. “Did you eat already, because I’ve scarcely had a bite since this morning and frankly I’m starving.”

“I ate a while ago.” Loki said, purposely vague. Thor wondered if ‘a while ago’ would be when Loki had gotten up this night before going out or if it had been when he got back at the end of last night and before he went to bed.

“Alright,” he said, not wanting to make a fuss over it, “I hope you don’t mind tagging along to a diner then. You can have coffee and dessert if you don’t want a real meal.” He led the way back to his car and held the passenger door open for Loki. When they were both seated, Thor pulled out his wallet and handed Loki another hundred dollar bill, which promptly disappeared in a pocket somewhere it couldn’t be easily stolen.

“Thanks,” Loki said, although Thor still saw the questions in his eyes about why he was paying so much.

“Thank you for having me.” Thor said sincerely.

Loki shrugged in the seat beside him as Thor drove them back to his own neighborhood. “I’d be stupid to let such a well-paying costumer slide.” He said bluntly, looking out the window at the changing scenery.

Truth be told, that hurt Thor a little. He didn’t want to be just another customer. He disliked the idea of being tossed into one pile with all the people that had hurt Loki. _Calm down_ he told himself, managing to keep his reaction contained to just a tightening of his hands on the wheel _It’s just a defense mechanism. What else is he supposed to call you? ‘Friend’ would be a bit soon after only one evening spent together outside of the hospital and I am paying him after all._

Thor pulled into a parking space next to a diner he knew well. Loki followed him into the heated interior and they picked a booth in a corner. Like most places Thor liked it wasn’t overly fancy, but the food was good and the people were nice. He slid a menu over to Loki and perused his own to give himself something to do.

They ordered (burger and fries for Thor, coffee and cheesecake for Loki) and Thor wracked his mind for a good conversation topic to fill the silence that settled over them once the waitress left. “Did the snowfall on Wednesday give you any trouble?” he asked finally, finding no safer starting point than the weather.

Loki brought his gaze back to Thor from where he had been taking in the other guests at the diner and shrugged. “It wasn’t too bad. There’s an air vent where I usually stand so that kept me warm enough.”

“Smart.” Thor complimented, to which Loki just shrugged again.

He was saved from trying to come up with another subject when Loki went on without prompting. “Spend long enough out there and you’re bound to pick up some tricks.”

“I can never get over how resourceful people can be,” Thor admitted, “I see a lot of people in the clinic that make do with nearly nothing and their solutions to problems are often ingenious. Not to mention that a lot of them understand Spanish as well as English. A lot of people equate being poor with being stupid, just because they don’t know any better.” He sighed: it was one of his pet-peeves and he could get really fired up while talking about it.

Loki seemed to be warming up to the subject as well if his posture was any indication of it. He was leaning ever so slightly forward instead of trying to shrink into himself to avoid notice. “People often put down what they don’t understand.”

“Exactly.” Thor enthused, “If only we could make them see that poor people are people too. Their dreams and goals might be more basic, but they do have them and isn’t that what makes us all human?”

“I guess.” Loki said and his eyes seemed far away for a moment, probably thinking about his own dreams. He then shook himself like he was shaking the dreams away. “But I think we’re more realists than you are.”

They both had to lean back as their orders arrived. Thor attacked his hamburger, his stomach giving a hungry growl when the scent hit his nose. Loki contented himself with taking sips of his coffee and tiny bites from the cheesecake.

While eating, Thor thought about Loki’s statement. He thought that perhaps people in poverty changed from having dreams to accepting they could never become real over the course of time whereas people in higher social classes still had a faint chance of them becoming reality. Maybe the point where your dreams died was the same point as where you stopped trying to better your condition.

“This is rather personal,” Thor said after his plate was empty and he had put away his napkin, “so you don’t have to answer it of course, but, I was just wondering...do you have dreams?”

Loki looked down at his plate, empty of even the crumbs now and toyed with his fork a little. “Yes,” he finally said, “although they’re not as nice as they used to be.”

Thor nodded, “I get that. Life chips away at all our dreams, doesn’t it? When I was around 15, my dream was to be as successful as my father, or at least as rich, which I interpreted as being the same at that age.” He gave a scoff at his own former naiveté. “Now I know that while money is important, it isn’t nearly the key to happiness I thought it to be then. And so my dreams have changed to reflect that and the biggest thing I strive for is getting help to people who couldn’t afford it otherwise.”

“Like in your clinic.” Loki said.

Thor nodded, “But it’s much more than that. I’d love to be able to bring it to the attention of more people, to make it less a taboo. What I dream of is a shift in the way the general populace sees people in need and thinks: ‘It’s their own fault, they must be doing something wrong.’ We should move past the finger-pointing and get on with finding a real solution.”

Loki was watching him with a look that clearly said he didn’t believe Thor would ever be able to force any such behavior into humans, but he was very entertaining to watch. Thor felt the breath leave him in a rush. “It’s very much a work in progress.” He defended himself.

“I’ll bet,” Loki merely said, using his mug to hide a smile at Thor’s naivety.

Thor finished the last of his soda and paid the bill. When they had their coats back on and were walking to his car he asked, “Do you mind if we just go to my place and watch a movie? I’m kind of worn out from today. You can stay over if you like.”

“You paid for the night,” Loki said, “Whatever you want to do with it is fine.”

So they drove back to Thor’s apartment and he let Loki choose a seat in the living room, purposely taking another to make it clear he really just wanted to watch a movie. They had snacks and some beverages while they watched the action movie and when Thor looked back over to Loki at the end of it, he saw that he had dozed off and was now curled up on the couch.

Deciding against waking him, or moving him while he was asleep, Thor gently draped a blanket and afghan over him and retreated to his bedroom. His thoughts were filled with another dream as he lay there watching the ceiling, a dream of him and Loki living together. It was a work in progress too, but he contented himself with the knowledge that he had gotten a step further toward realizing it today.


	12. In sickness and in health

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still do not own any of these characters, they remain the property of Marvel.

Loki drifted back into consciousness slowly. He was warm and comfortable and subconsciously his mind wanted to stay there as long as possible before having to face reality again. The sound of water running woke him up further and he realized he was lying on the sofa in Thor’s living room.

The doctor himself seemed to be busy in the bathroom, the water he could hear probably being the shower. Loki uncurled from where he lay, blinking and stretching. He rolled his shoulders back and forth a little, but the couch had been roomy enough for him and much softer than his own bed so there were no real kinks to work out.

Not really knowing what else to do, he walked slowly around the living room. There were several pictures on the walls, which he had noticed last time, but decided to have a closer look at now. There was one of two older people, probably Thor’s parents, immaculately dressed and smiling very white teeth bare at the camera.

Another frame held a shot of Thor and his co-workers in front of the clinic. He recognized a few of them from his own stay there, most notably the red-haired Natasha and her friend Clint. There was a big banner above the entryway that proclaimed the new clinic open and welcomed everyone. Loki could see why this photo held importance to Thor: it was the realization of a part of his dreams.

It had been amusing to hear the doctor talk about them last night. If Loki hadn’t known better, he would have thought that Thor was the younger of them. It was easy to see that he had been raised sheltered from the reality many people in lower social classes lived in. The big difference was that Thor knew this; knew he was privileged and was doing more than his fair share to give back to the world.

The next picture showed Thor’s mother with a small dog (Loki had no idea of the breed) laughing as they played in a garden confined by tall hedges. Loki felt a wave of wistfulness. Their neighbor had owned a dog when Loki had still lived at home. The animal was never content to stay in its own yard and could often be found roaming around. Loki had liked talking to it while petting its bristly coat. He would have liked to have a dog himself, but his complex didn’t allow animals and he had no money to feed it, let alone take it to a vet whenever it needed it.

He bit his lower lip and quickly moved on to the last picture. There was a group of people in it, but he only recognized Thor and the only girl in the picture whom he had seen in the clinic, but didn’t know the name of. There were 3 other young men in it as well, and they were all in their graduation robes.

“That was taken on our graduation day.” Thor’s voice came from behind him. Loki flinched involuntarily and spun around, ready to apologize for snooping. Thor was still several steps away, but he didn’t seem angry as he got closer. There was a wistful smile on his lips as he looked at the photo. “The girl is Sif, you may have seen her at the clinic, she donates some of her time to us. The others are Fandral, Hogun and Volstagg. We ...” he frowned slightly before continuing, “...grew apart, I guess you would say. They focused on their careers and families, I focused on my clinic. We used to be best friends and now we see each other at Volstagg’s summer party once a year.”

“I’m sorry,” Loki said. He didn’t know if he meant he was sorry for looking around without asking permission, or because Thor looked sad, but he felt the need to say it anyway.

“It’s not your fault.” Thor said with a small smile. The blond seemed to rally and pointed at the other pictures in turn. “Those are my mom and dad. And mom with their dog; Squirrel.” He smiled at Loki’s raised eyebrow, “I would tell you the story behind that name, but you wouldn’t believe me. This is the opening day at the clinic. You might have recognized a few of them. They’re all great people with their hearts in the right place.”

“They were all nice to me,” Loki agreed, even though he knew they had probably gossiped behind his back, they had been professional and polite to him, which was more than he had come to expect from anyone.

“Would you like some breakfast?” Thor asked, turning back to go to the kitchen.

“I should be going...” Loki hedged, not wanting to outstay his welcome.

“It won’t take long.” Thor promised, “I need to be at the clinic pretty early as well with a few of the others down for the count. I’ll just make us something and you can freshen up in the meantime if you want.”

“Alright.” Loki agreed. He retreated to the bathroom where Thor had left him clean towels and a washcloth. He made sure his shower was quick and didn’t use too much hot water, but was grateful he wouldn’t have to hope that his own shower would have a little warm water in it that day. You never really got used to cold showers, no matter how many times you had them. The soap Thor had put out for him smelled faintly of something citrus-like and produced a whole army of bubbles. He washed quickly and efficiently, toweling off and pulling on his clothes without once looking in the mirror above the sink.

It wasn’t that he hated his body per se, but he didn’t like it much either. There were small scars littered all over him, some red, others just white lines barely visible against his pale skin. His ribs and spine were protruding more than was considered normal because of years of malnutrition. His haircut was uneven (a result of doing it himself) and his eyes were slightly sunken. He was aware that he looked older than he was, but had mostly come to terms with everything. It wasn’t like the kind of people that picked him up now showed an interest in his age, just if his price wasn’t too high and his looks not too bad.

And then there was Thor, insisting on paying him 5 times what he usually earned in one night and throwing in dinner and a night of sleep on a comfortable surface or even a bed. It didn’t make any sense: Thor was handsome, well-off. He should be in a relationship like his friends in that picture, should have a house in the sub-urbs with a wife and 2.4 kids and a dog of his own. And instead here he was putting time and money into something as socially inappropriate as a low-class whore.

Putting his thoughts on hold since he wouldn’t solve this particular mystery in 5 minutes, he ran his fingers through his hair once, letting it air-dry and moving to the kitchen. The scent of pancakes hit him and his stomach gave a treacherous little rumble. He sat in the same chair as last time, watching as Thor deftly flipped a golden-brown disk into the air and caught it back in the pan so it could cook on the other side as well.

“They’re apple-pancakes.” Thor said, letting the finished one glide onto Loki’s plate, “I hope you’ll like them. My mother loves them, so they’re one of the only foods I know how to make for when she comes to visit.”

Thor pushed the sugar and syrup closer to Loki, but he ignored them in favor of trying one in its natural state. The first bite was nearly too hot, but the cinnamon and apple exploding over his tongue made it well worth it. He must have made a noise of approval because Thor smiled and turned back to the stove to make some more.

Loki ate two and a half in the end, while Thor put away four and the other half of Loki’s unfinished one. The blonde then put the dishes in the washer before they walked to his car. The drive to Loki’s end of town was silent, except for the radio playing softly. It wasn’t an awkward silence though, unlike last time they had driven back. Loki was too full of nice food, feeling clean and well-rested and in no mood to indulge angsty thoughts.

He also wasn’t surprised when he unbuckled and Thor said: “Same time next week? I’ll do my very best to be on time.”

“I’ll be here,” Loki said.

“Great,” Thor answered, his grin enough to nearly split his face and Loki shook his head at the man’s cheerfulness as he watched the car pull away, Thor waving one final time.

The next days he amused himself with figuring out all the possible reasons Thor could have to date someone in his circles. They spread the range from ‘he’s just weird’ to ‘maybe he’s impotent.’ He lingered some time on the last one, seeing as how it was a realistic option. Thor seemed to be around 30, socially well-adapted and successful. Societal norms dictated that he was a good catch and thus should have plenty of options, even if he was gay.

Yet his apartment held no traces of other people staying over and he had never mentioned previous relationships. Not that they had talked much about relationships in general, so Loki wasn’t really sure of that point of his reasoning. Another point in favor of this theory was that he hadn’t tried touching Loki in a sexual way even though he had certainly paid enough for it. Maybe Loki was there to provide Thor with company, because he thought Loki would be glad for the opportunity to make money without having to offer up his body in return.

Another possibility was that Thor indeed just wanted to be his friend. It still sat uneasy in his chest, the notion of friendship. He knew friends were supposed to share things, share thoughts, and open their hearts to the other. Loki didn’t see anything coming from him sharing his experiences except loathing. Thor might fancy himself a savior of the poor, but when push came to shove and Loki’s emotional baggage was out in the open, he might find it far easier to dump Loki and move on to someone with less problems.

The week was slow and Loki only got picked up twice. The weeks directly after Christmas-break were always slow, everyone recovering from the financial blows of buying presents and paying bills. The first time was Monday-evening, a quick fuck in the back of the guy’s car in a deserted parking lot.

The second time, two days later, was rougher and left his chest bruised from where he had been bumped into the metal of the trunk several times as the guy fucked him hard. Loki gritted his teeth and took it, knowing he would be sore for quite some time from this. The man let his hand wander down one leg and then lifted it up onto the trunk, making Loki scramble to keep his balance. He pushed his hot cheek against the cold metal beneath him as the pattern of trusts went irregular. Several more pushes and the cock in his ass spasmed, filling the condom Loki always insisted on.

The man leaned over him after he finished, heaving chest pressed against Loki’s back. He took of a few moments later, after tossing Loki the agreed upon 25 dollars. The dark-haired man tucked the bills safely in his pocket and started making his way home. The going was slow and he limped a little despite his best efforts to appear normal to the few others that were still out on the street. To top off his night, it started snowing again. When he finally got home, he crept into bed with his clothes on because the heater was on the fritz again.

The next time he woke partially, he shoved off the blankets, feeling like he was melting from the heat. He had to pull them back up not too long after, shivers wracking his body. His throat fell sore and he curled in on himself tighter. It had only been a matter of time of course, before the flu got to him as well. Two weeks of taking vitamins was apparently not enough to build up his resistance again.

He woke up several times more, shivering and sweating in turns. Experience told him he would just have to wait the illness out, like he had done all the previous times. With the lack of healthy food intake, he had been sick at least three times a year from the time he had come to live on the streets.

His thoughts turned to the clinic. Thor had said they were dealing with an epidemic there. Maybe they had some medication to keep him in working condition. He hated losing the opportunity to secure more income, even now that he had the 200 dollars from Thor. And what could it hurt to go and get looked at, he asked himself, everyone had the flu, they couldn’t arrest him for it and they had no evidence of anything else this time. Maybe Thor would vouch for him as well. It pricked Loki’s pride a little to go and ask for help again, but he shoved the feeling aside as being unhelpful.

But maybe Thor wouldn’t want to see him at the clinic. It was possible that he would deny any involvement with someone like Loki around his co-workers who were all upstanding citizens. Loki had been the dirty little secret of a lot of men, one more would hardly surprise him. Though he had to admit that it would hurt his feelings if Thor would pretend not to know him...

In the end he decided to go anyway, rolled out of bed, dragged through the process of making himself presentable and walked the distance to the clinic through the fresh snow that had fallen earlier that morning. The clinic was busy, waiting room filled with coughing, sneezing and sniffling people. Loki found himself a place against the wall, since there were no seats available, and settled in to wait for his turn.

Perhaps fifteen minutes later, Natasha appeared in front of him. She looked him up and down, making Loki’s skin crawl at the way she catalogued everything from his red-rimmed eyes to the way he shivered even in the heated area. “Come on,” she said then, “Thor’s having his lunch break, but I don’t think he’ll mind seeing you during it.”

Loki wanted to protest that she didn’t have to bother Thor, he could just wait like everyone else, but Natasha had already turned and was walking away, expecting him to follow her. She took him past the waiting area and into a corridor that ended in a door bearing a plaque with the word ‘Office’ on it. Giving a brusque knock, she opened it and ushered him in, closing it behind him again.

Loki swallowed nervously. Thor looked up from the papers he was reading, with a sandwich in his mouth ready to be taken a bite off. He choked a little when he saw Loki, coughing and standing up, wiping the crumbs from his white coat.

“Uhm, hi.” Loki said, his voice scratchy from his sore throat. When Thor hastened to swallow and turn that stupid boy-scout smile on Loki and he felt a momentary flare of warmth in his own chest in return, he knew he had done the right thing in coming.


	13. Mothering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: characters belong to Marvel, not to me.

Thor had gotten quite a few bewildered looks from his colleagues since he came in on Saturday morning with a smile fit to light up the whole hospital. No amount of sick people and bacteria could dampen his spirits and he walked out just a cheerful as he had walked in every day.

It was therefore no surprise when he heard his doorbell on Tuesday morning and found his mother on the other side of the door.

“I take it the news has traveled around to you that your son has been behaving oddly the last days?” he said as he stepped to the side to allow her entrance.

“I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about.” Frigga said as she entered and pecked him on the cheek in greeting, “I’m just coming to see how my favorite son is doing.”

“I’m your only son.” Thor said, but he smiled at the familiar joke nevertheless and took his mother’s coat to hang it on the rack. “One of these days I’m going to find out who your inside guy or girl is.”

“Of course you will, darling.” Frigga said with a laugh and a twinkle in the blue eyes she shared with her son. “Now feed your poor mother and tell me what you’ve been up to.” She took a seat at the table, the same seat Loki had occupied when he had consented to breakfast, and looked at him with an eyebrow raised in prompting.

Thor sighed, shook his head and gave in just as he always did. They talked about the work at the clinic, the flue epidemic and Frigga’s latest steps into the art world as the patroness of an up-and-coming young man with a talent for painting birds. Meanwhile, Thor made them whole-grain pancakes and pretended to pull faces while his mother extolled over brushstrokes and lively colors.

“Well then.” Frigga said after they had both eaten their fill and where sipping their coffees. “I can see that my informant was speaking the truth. You haven’t stopped smiling once since I came in.”

“Maybe I’m just glad to see you.” Thor hedged.

“That may be so,’ Frigga replied, “but the last time I saw that particular smile on your face was when you were dating Jane and I thought you would soon start talking about marriage.”

Thor was silent for a moment, large hands wrapped around his mug and staring into the dark depths as he contemplated exactly what he should tell his mother. He wasn’t in a relationship, that much was true. But he wanted to be and that made all the difference in how he chose to handle the situation with Loki.

“I...” he finally started, only to immediately interrupt himself. “It’s complicated.”

Frigga smiled gently at him, putting her smaller hand on his. “Life mostly is.” She gave his hand a gentle pat, “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. But you shouldn’t be afraid that I will judge you over whatever it is: you’re a good person and whatever makes you happy will make me happy as well.”

Thor looked up at her and smiled. “There is someone I like,” ha admitted, “But I can’t just ask them out. I need to take it slow.”

“And that involves no nosy parents for now.” Frigga laughed, “Don’t worry, I get it.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead, “Whenever you both are ready is fine.” She paused a moment and then asked with a flicker of mischief in her eyes. “Can I get her name though?”

“Mother!” Thor laughed. “No, you may not have her name. And _she_ is in fact a _he._ ”

“Oh, good, I’ve always wanted a second son.”

“You’re not weirded out?” Thor asked. “You’ve always been kind to the persons I dated, whether they were boys or girls but you just seemed much happier when I was dating Jane.”

“That had nothing to do with the fact that Jane is a girl and everything to do with the fact that she made you happier than any other person you had dated so far.” She gave him a wink and added, “Well, until you met this one that is.”

Thor couldn’t help but smile again. It was true: he was very much in the stages of early love and he couldn’t stop smiling every time he thought of Loki. It was ridiculous, even if he knew it was a chemical reaction in his body that he had no way of controlling. He rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously until his mother took pity on him and started to talk about plans for another fundraiser for the clinic.

They talked for another half an hour before Frigga excused herself to visit one of her friends and Thor got ready to go to the clinic. He made sure to make his smiles extra-wide, just to rattle his mother’s little snitch.

By the time Thursday rolled around, the smiles were joined by the first stirring of nerves. How would Loki look? Would he have gotten enough sleep? Where should he take him for dinner, or should they just go to Thor’s apartment and make something there? Could he persuade him to stay for breakfast again?

To be honest, he was glad for the distraction his patients provided him. And when he finally took his lunch-break, he began working on the pile of papers Phil had left for him without needing any encouragement. He had packed a lunch for once and was enjoying his second cheese-sandwich when a knock sounded on the door. It opened without waiting for an answer and Loki was nearly shoved inside before it closed again behind him with a soft rattle.

Thor continued to stare for a moment, doctor’s training kicking in and cataloguing the symptoms: red eyes, sniffling, a slight shiver every now and then. Thor had no doubt he’d feel warm to the touch if he were to press his hand to Loki’s forehead. Yet another victim of the flu.

“Uhm, hi.” The dark-haired man said, rubbing his elbows and hunching in on himself slightly.

Realizing his staring was creepy; Thor quickly swallowed his half-chewed bite and gave Loki one of the smiles that came so easy to him nowadays. “Hey.” He greeted, motioning towards the chair and seeing Loki sag into it gratefully. “So,” he asked, “Flu got you too, huh?”

“Yeah,” Loki said. Thor made a note from the way his voice sounded that he probably had a sore throat as well. “I was going to wait along with everyone else,” Loki continued, looking apologetic, “but Natasha wanted me to follow her here. I’m sorry for interrupting your lunch.”

“That’s alright, I was nearly finished anyway.” Thor reassured him. He stood up and rounded the desk, slowly approaching Loki and kneeling beside his chair. Sick people always felt extra vulnerable and he didn’t want to spook Loki now the other had made a great show of trust by coming to Thor for help. “I’m just going to check to see if you have a fever alright?” At Loki’s nod, he placed his palm on the other’s forehead and found that it was indeed warm to the touch.

“Any muscle aches, headaches, shivering or other unpleasantness?”

“I feel a little like I’m stiff all over,” Loki said, “My throat is sore and I’ve been feeling either hot or cold the entire night.”

“Classic flu.” Thor said, patting Loki’s thigh once before getting back up and looking for a prescription pad. “I’m going to prescribe mostly bed rest and a lot of drinking, but I’ll give you some Tylenol as well to help lower the fever. You should be much better in a couple of days.”

“Oh,” Loki said, sounding a little crestfallen.

Thor looked up from where he was quickly jotting down the necessary information. “Loki? Something wrong?”

“I was ...” Loki started, fiddling nervously with the hem of his shirt, “I just thought you might have something that would allow me to... keep working.”

Thor clamped down on the wince that wanted to show on his face. He wasn’t disgusted with Loki, only with what he had to do for a living and the circumstances that had led him down that path. Unfortunately, there was every chance that Loki would take it the wrong way if he saw such an expression on Thor’s face. He must have seen it a hundred times on the faces of others who did mean it personally. “I’m sorry,” Thor said with a companionate twitch of his mouth, “once it’s broken through, there’s not much we can do about it. We can dampen some of the symptoms, but you’re going to be feeling under the weather until your body has had a chance to fight it off and that takes a few days.”

“So that means our deal for Friday is off then.” Loki said, hunching in on himself a little more.

Thor felt his heartstrings pull in a painful way. The thought of Loki alone and sick in his bed was even worse than just thinking of him alone and probably cold in one of those blocks. “You could stay at my place until you’re better.” He offered. “I wouldn’t be around much during the day so you could sleep however much you need to and there’s soup and stuff in the pantry that’ll do wonders for your sore throat.” He left it at that, letting Loki make up his own mind.

The younger man looked like he wasn’t sure whether to be offended that Thor thought so little of Loki’s own apartment or to be weirded out by what had to be the strangest offer he had ever received. Thor knew better than to think Loki would be touched by it, he was still too busy looking for possible angles Thor could have for being so nice to him.

“I have my own home to stay in,” Loki said and Thor felt his heart sink a little.

“I know, I didn’t mean to be disparaging.” Loki gave a tiny frown and Thor went on quickly, “It’s more for my own piece of mind, really. Your immune system is still not as good as it should be and this way I could check up on you every day to see this doesn’t develop into something more dangerous.” It was only stretching the truth a little.

Loki looked at him for a long time before finally nodding. “Alright, but only for a day or two, so you can be sure it doesn’t get worse.”

“Alright.” Thor echoed, “We’ll go there now and get you settled, then I can finish my shift at the clinic and you can eat with me when I get back and if you’re hungry.”

Thor notified Natasha that he would be out for a small hour. Bruce was still there and competent enough to handle anything that might come in during his absence. They drove to his apartment in silence and it was clear from the few looks he threw at Loki that the other was struggling against sleep.

“You take the bed, I’ll just grab you something to sleep in and change the sheets first.” He put Loki in the kitchen with a mug of honeyed tea in front of him and a Tylenol before disappearing into the bedroom and working quickly to get fresh sheets on and grab some others so he could sleep comfortably on the couch.

When he was done, Loki had finished his drink and taken the medication, looking ready to just tumble into bed and stay there for the foreseeable future. He looked good, the fever giving a little ruddy glow to his otherwise pale skin, hair mussed and eyes half-lidded. _You have it bad, Thor_ he told himself as he carefully steered Loki to the bedroom and watched him toe off his shoes and settle into it, ignoring the pajama’s Thor had laid out for him.

Thor knelt on the floor by the headboard and placed a card and a fifty dollar bill on the bedside table. “This is the number of my mobile, call if you need me, alright? If there’s anything else you should need, there’s money also, don’t be scared to use it.”

Loki gave the two bits of paper a bleary look and nodded. Thor clamped his teeth together and resolutely withstood the urge to ruffle Loki’s hair or bend down and kiss his forehead.

“I’ll see you tonight, then.” He said, patting the blankets over Loki’s shoulder. As he stood up and walked back to his car, he wondered about how the presence of a second person (and especially this second person) could make a place feel so much more like a home.


	14. TLC by any other name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: characters belong to Marvel, not to me.

Since he had ran away from his foster home, Loki had grown used to fending for himself. Picking up clients to bring in funds, paying his rent, budgeting for food, drinks and clothes and all the other little expenses that had to be factored in. And taking care of himself when he was sick.

In truth, the last hadn’t been a particularly big duty and mostly consisted of collapsing onto his bed, dragging every blanket he had over himself and occasionally dragging himself to the kitchen to replenish the water he kept in a glass on the floor beside the head of the bed. He would give himself 4 days to get over the worst of it, working through the beginning and end-stages of the illness. This, of course, caused it to drag on far longer than it usually would, but Loki was unable to miss the income he could gather in those days.

It was different when you were being taken care of by someone else, even if that someone wasn’t present the entire time. A lot of it was money-related, Loki allowed. Thor’s bed was more comfortable, his central heating always worked, there was tea and even honey to put into it and there was medication to soothe most of the symptoms.

When Thor left him on Thursday afternoon, Loki promptly fell back asleep. He had been worried about being able to sleep in foreign territory, but it seemed his earlier visits had made him acquainted enough with the apartment that he had no problem drifting of under the fluffy comforter.

He woke sporadically during the next hours, shivering or flushed with warmth. Each time he took a few sips of the now cold tea, listened to the sounds of the apartment to determine whether Thor was back yet and heard nothing, then turned around and went back to sleep.

When he awoke next, it was to muted sounds in the rest of the apartment. He needed a moment to focus his flu-infested mind, realizing he was not in his own space hearing his neighbors, but that the noises meant the doctor was home again. A glance at the bed-side clock showed it to be almost 7 pm, but Loki wasn’t able to tell whether this was Thor’s normal hour to get home or if he had left the clinic early.

He hesitated to take further action, not sure if Thor would expect him to come out and have dinner with him. His conundrum was solved when footsteps approached the bedroom and there was a very soft knock on the door.

“Yes?” Loki asked, wincing at the on-going soreness in his throat.

The door opened and Thor peered inside. “Hey” he said as he saw Loki lying in almost the exact same position he had left him in. “I just got back. How are you holding up?” He came further inside, but stopped outside of reaching distance.

Loki appreciated the fact that Thor seemed to be trying to put him at ease by not crowding him. “I’m fine, I guess.” He said, sniffling softly, “a little hot, but I’m sure that’s normal at this stage.”

Thor nodded. “It is. If it’s too high we’ll try and bring it down. I’m going to get the thermometer and we’ll check, alright?”

Loki nodded. It wasn’t like having his temperature taken could hurt him after all. “Sure.”

Thor disappeared back into the rest of the apartment and Loki could hear him puttering around, cabinets opening and closing, the sound of the toaster and a water kettle. Something ringing against glass. He waited patiently until Thor came back, easing the door further open with a foot so he could carry the tray he was holding inside. He was even nice enough to pretend not to notice when Loki shrunk back instinctively as he placed it on the bedside table.

“Here you go.” The blonde said, taking the empty glass of tea Loki had drunk that afternoon. The tray held toast and jam and two new tea-glasses. “I’ll just take your temperature first, and then we can eat.”

He held the thermometer out for a moment so Loki could see it clearly. It was one of those in-ear devices and though he tensed a little, Loki allowed him to sit beside him and gently place the end in his ear. A slight beep sounded and they both waited the handful of seconds it took to take an accurate measurement. Another beep and then Thor was pulling back, reading the screen as he lowered himself into the chair at the other side of the nightstand.

“A 102 degrees.” Thor said. “That’s a bit high, even if your normal body temperature was 98 degrees.” He motioned towards the tray. “I’ll get the Tylenol, you can start on the food if you’re hungry.”

Loki looked at the toast and jam. There were strawberries depicted on the lid and since it seemed to be a quality brand, he had no doubt that it would actually taste like it too. Still, his stomach felt kind of queasy… Would Thor mind if he took just one bite to see if he could keep it down? Or would he get angry that Loki would potentially waste the food?

Thor returned with the packet of pills, letting Loki see him take it out and letting it drop from the packet onto Loki’s side of the table. It might have been a small thing for someone else, but Loki felt better knowing for sure that it was just Tylenol he was taking. He had heard all sorts of stories from the other hookers on the street and had learned to be deeply suspicious of any drugs put in front of him. He took the pill and swallowed it with some tea. The hot liquid felt good in his throat and he took another sip as he watched Thor lather a piece of toast with jam.

The toast was efficiently coated, sliced into small pieces and placed in between them on the table. Thor took a piece and munched happily on it. Loki reached out for a piece of his own, leaning forward over the nightstand to not get any crumbs on the bed. The jam did indeed taste of strawberries and allowed him to swallow everything without too much agitation to his throat.

They ate all 5 pieces together, though Loki had perhaps one slice of that and Thor finished off the others. By the time their dinner ended, Loki was feeling drowsy again. Thor wished him a good night as he took the plate back to the kitchen and closed the door behind himself. Loki stayed awake just long enough to hear the TV come on in the living room, the volume low enough that it became a comfortable presence at the edge of his hearing as he slid into sleep once more.

His comfort was rudely interrupted the next morning when he blinked open his eyes and found someone leaning over him. A squeak escaped him and he scrambled backwards, only stopping when his back hit the wall. The blanket he clutched to his chest, trying to cover as much of his body as he could.

“Loki? Calm down, it’s just me.” Thor stood at the other side of the nightstand, both his hands held up in surrender. Loki’s eyes went from him to the damping mug of fresh tea on the small table. “I’m going back to the clinic and I wanted to bring you some more tea before I left. You were still sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you. I’m sorry if I startled you.”

Loki’s heartbeat was starting to level out again, the adrenaline dissipating when no further attack seemed to be forthcoming. _Tea_ he thought _Of course_. “Sorry,” he whispered at Thor, casting his eyes down. His fingers played with the blanket.

“It’s alright, no need to apologize. You were sleeping and I should have known better than to think I would be quiet enough not to wake you.” He placed the thermometer next to the box of Tylenol. “If your temperature is still over 101, you can take one of these every four hours. If you need anything else, just call me, alright? Drinks and food are in the kitchen and you’re free to use the shower any time you like.”

Loki nodded, but couldn’t bring himself to let go of the blanket so soon after his scare. A shower sounded nice though: his fever had made him sweat and being clean was something he prided himself on.

“Alright,” Thor said, “I’ll be off then.”

Loki watched him leave, something inside him protesting at letting the man go like that. He didn’t mean any harm in bringing the tea and he had never even raised his voice to Loki before that. He had been nothing but friendly and kind and even chivalrous, however old-fashioned that sounded. And now Loki was taking out everything other people had ever done to him on the one person that had always supported him.

“Thor?” he called out and the blond stopped with one hand on the doorknob and the door already half-closed behind him. Loki made an extra effort and brought his head up so their eyes could meet.

“Yeah?”

“I...Thank you. For everything.”

And that was all it took for the smile to be back. “You’re very welcome. I’ll see you tonight. And I mean it: if something comes up you can always call me.” He gave Loki a nod and closed the door further, letting it shut with a soft click.

Loki stayed seated against the wall for a while, listening to Thor get ready and leave. He reached for the tea and sipped it carefully, blowing on the hot surface first. He took his time in drinking it, then got up and padded to the shower. He had taken the sweatpants and t-shirt that Thor had provided for him and changed into them after he was done. The fabric was soft against his skin and smelled like lavender. _Don’t get used to it_ , he reminded himself, _this is all nice but it will only be until you’re better._

Between bouts of sleeping, Loki again tried to figure out what Thor stood to win in this arrangement. Taking him in while he was sick seemed to go a bit far for someone who just wanted some company that wouldn’t ask questions. Maybe it was pity. Even though he had to admit it was nice to get money and have Thor take him out for dinner, it hurt Loki’s pride to have to admit that he could not do those things for himself. Moreover, pity also meant that Thor saw him as being less than Thor himself. This seemed not to fit with what he had seen of the doctor’s character so far, especially since Thor had spoken so eloquently about all people being equal only a few days ago.

So maybe it wasn’t pity either, since Thor had seemed so impassioned by his own speech and Loki had not doubted at that moment that he really meant what he was saying.

Could it be then, that Thor just wanted to be his friend? The concept was foreign to him, the last friend he’d had was when he was still barely more than a child. He’d become alienated from most when his mother had run away and he’d turned inwards in his grief and quest for survival. After his father started using him to pay off debts he had pushed away the few that remained, thinking it best to renounce them before they found out the truth and did it to him first.

So being a friend, especially an adult friend, is not something that Loki knows. But perhaps, with time and care, it is something that his lonely heart can learn.


	15. Opposition and progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Marvel owns all the characters.

Thor checked his watch for what felt like the hundreth time that day, finding it to be only 5 minutes later than the last time he had looked. He tried hard to keep the hours he normaly would when all he realy wanted was to be home with Loki. Sure, they wouldn’t be able to do much with Loki still sleeping a lot because of his flu but at least he would be on hand to check his fever and make him tea and toast. It didn’t seem like Loki had made any for himself yesterday, and the last thing they needed was dehydration or the illness getting worse because he wasn’t eating properly.

He patched up the scrape of a child that had gotten it’s hand cut by a piece of glass. Playing on these streets was much more dangerous than playing in the suburb where Thor had grown up. Or maybe it was more right to say that the danger came from different sources. Thor still remembered how pale his mother had been when he had come home crying after falling from a tree at the back of their property and breaking his arm.

“There you go, little man.” He said, finishing the bandage with a colorful band aid. To the mother he continued, “It should heal fine by itself as long as he doesn’t get the bandage too dirty. If you have any problems or if he gets a fever you can come right back and we’ll see to them.”

The mother mumbled something in Spanish and smiled in gratitude before leaving. Thor made a few comments in the file before closing it and going to wash his hands. He stifled a yawn brought on by the lack of sleep he had gotten last night. After he had left Loki to himself, he had gone into the living room meaning to watch some mindless television.

His body, however, had had a different plan. His mind had wandered away from the talk-show and had drifted to the young man lying in Thor’s bed. The fever had brought a flush to the otherwise pale skin and Thor had had to stop himself from smoothing the ruffled black hair. Loki wasn’t a perfect beauty, but the imperfections only made him more attractive to Thor.

He remembered sitting next to him to take his temperature, feeling the heat radiating from his body. He would have loved to nuzzle into Loki’s neck, smelling the combination of scents that had lingered in his sheets after the first time he had stayed over. The other would lean into him and he would wrap his arms around that slender waist and pull him in closer. Their mouths would meet in soft presses, exploring, tasting. Thor’s hand would cup the back of Loki’s neck softly and after a few moments the dark-haired man would slide onto his lap and their crotches would rub together while they continued kissing.

Thor had had to put a stop to his fantasizing then, realizing he had gotten a rather pressing problem in his trousers and no way to deal with it that wouldn’t alert Loki to what he was doing. He groaned and put a pillow over his head and screamed into it silently. Afterwards he had lain on the couch for nearly an hour while his erection slowly died down and before he was relaxed enough to sleep.

And then he had gotten up extra early this morning to prepare tea and breakfast for Loki. He had left the breakfast in the kitchen in case the smell of food would make him nauseous, but if he was hungry, the toast sat ready on a plate accompanied by every different spread he had in his cupboards. He left a note that he could find ice-tea or milk in the fridge or make himself more tea.

He had then picked up the thermometer, tylenol and tea and made his way softly into the bedroom, hesitating only a moment when he saw Loki half-buried in the blankets and sound asleep. His plan to sneak in, put the items in place and sneak back out had fell through rather impressively as Loki woke up, assumed the worst and shot backwards with a strangled noise.

The gratitude he had received later had taken the sting out of the initial rejection enough for Thor to smile again, but it was yet another sign of how difficult the road was that he had chosen. If he had a lot of time on his hands, sometimes when he got back from the clinic and couldn’t sleep or distract himself with television, he worried that he wouldn’t be up to it in the end.

Thor knew very well that he was privileged. His mother and father had money and that reflected in every part of his life from the fancy private kindergarten to the fact he had been able to get the clinic sponsered. He had never had to work for anything, except perhaps for good grades on the two most difficult courses in his medical studies. And he was afraid that he wouldn’t measure up for the one thing that meant so much to him. That he would let a few rejections or setbacks get the better off him and so fail both Loki and himself.

He scrubbed harder on some imaginary stain on his palm before turning the tap off and drying his hands on a paper towel. _Not going to happen_ he told himself sternly _You will not screw up your chance at happiness._

“Is that the face you show your patients?”

Thor whirled around and saw Sif standing in the doorway, an eyebrow raised in gentle teasing. He let out a sigh and shook his head ruefully. “I’m sorry, Sif, just fretting. I promise not to take it out on the patients.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, collecting the files that had been piling up on the little desk in the examination room, “we all have our off days.” She looked at him a little bit more criticaly. “You look tired, are you sure you’re not coming down with something as well.”

“I’m fine,” Thor said, snatching up his waterbottle to take a few sips, “Just had a rough night.”

“Did you go and check up on Loki?” she asked. “I know people recognize you around here, Thor, but you’d better still be careful in that neighborhood.”

“I sort of checked up on him.” Thor said, turning half away from her and tidying his workplace.

Sif, it seemed, could read him like an open book, whether she could see his face or not. “Sort of? Oh, you didn’t! You took him home? Thor, how could you? You don’t know anything about him! The moment he’s better he could be out of there and...”

“And what?” Thor asked, feeling the first stirrings of anger in his chest. “Steal my tv? My toaster? A handfull of money that would be mere change to me and a week’s worth of food to him?” He was nearly shouting at the end of it, fists balled at his side.

Sif stood there for a moment, eyes wide as she looked at him. Finaly she dropped her head in shame and looked at the floor. “I’m sorry,” she said, “That was really rude of me.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Thor said, biting his lower lip, “I know you’re just trying to keep me safe.”

“So,” Sif asked after a moment, “How is he then?”

“Better,” Thor said, “He sleeps through most of it.”

“That’s good.”

They were both silent for a moment, though it wasn’t one of their regular, companionable ones. Another reason why his association with Loki would bring difficulties: some people were bound not to understand what he saw in what others would crudely term ‘a whore’. Thor sincerely hoped Sif wouldn’t be one of them. She was the only real friend he had left from his childhood and he would be sad to lose her.   “Sif,” he tried, not exactly sure how to continue.

“It’s alright,” she said, “It’s just: you’ve been so happy lately and that must be because of him, right?” At Thor’s nod, she continued: “And if that’s what makes you happy, then I really have no right to say you shouldn’t have it. Just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself, alright?”

Thor nodded, grateful for Sif’s acceptance, even if it came with the unspoken condition that she would be keeping an eye on Loki for Thor’s benefit.

“Now off you go.” Sif said, with a return to their usual banter. “It’s nearly 6 already, Dr Strange has arrived and you’re useless if you’re only going to be pining anyway.”

Thor gave a jaunty “Yes, ma’am.” ...which earned him a playful swat at his head. He said goodbye to the other volunteers, grabbed his stuff and left for home. His heart started beating a little faster as he arrived in the basement parking and rode the elevator up to his own floor. He took out his keys and opened the door (not that he had locked Loki in, the door opened simply with the handle from the inside out) and stepped into the hall. Stifling the urge to yell ‘Honey, I’m home’, he stepped quietly in case Loki was still asleep. He needn’t have worried it seemed, because Loki was awake and sitting up in bed, one of Thor’s medical magazines spread open over his legs.

“Hi,” Thor greeted, poking his head through the bedroom door. “Little light reading?” he teased gently with a nod at the medical review.

Loki flushed brightly, snatching his hand back from where it had been pointing out his place. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

“Hey,” Thor said, interrupting before Loki got the wrong idea, “it’s alright, you can read it. I just thought it wouldn’t be that interesting for you with all the studies they tend to publish.”

“Oh.” Loki said, looking relieved he hadn’t crossed any lines in Thor’s hospitality. The blond had the feeling that Loki would have put it back in the exact place he had found it in a short while, thinking Thor would be home at the same time he was yesterday.

“Find anything interesting?” he asked, trying to remember what the contents of that particular issue were.

Loki didn’t look at him, instead wringing his hands a little in his lap. Thor could see him wrestling with something internally, sometimes throwing short glances at him from the corners of his eyes. Finaly he seemed to come to a conclusion, voice both ashamed and defiant as he said: “I was just seeing if I could read it.”

Thor felt his forehead crease in confusion as he looked at Loki.   “You weren’t sure if I would let you read it?”

“No,” Loki shook his head in denial, “I haven’t read anything but street signs in years, I wasn’t sure I still could.”

Thor was silent for a long time, making the younger man squirm under his regard. To not be able to read fluently....a thing Thor and billions of others took for granted! It would make finding a job much harder than it already was, would put things like books and the internet out of one’s reach. Maybe even make it impossible to know what was in the lease contract of one’s apartment.

A lot of patients at the clinic couldn’t read, which often meant they couldn’t read English. Thor had never stopped to think that someone born in the States and having spent their youth in an English-speaking community, could have the same problem.

It couldn’t have been easy for Loki to confess to such a weakness and the fact that he had told Thor indicated he trusted him with that knowledge. And meanwhile Thor was still staring at him and Loki looked more uncomfortable by the second. Thor lifted his index finger in a ‘one moment’ gesture and ducked back into the hall, going to the living room and digging into the heap of magazines he kept in the drawers of his coffee table. It took him a few moments to find it, but he was grateful now that he hadn’t thrown it out.

When he returned to Loki, the other man was still staring at his lap, probably regretting ever having mentioned anything. Thor pulled the chair from the other side of the bedside table to stand next to the bed, sitting down in it and putting the new magazine over the medical one. “My mom left this a few visits ago.” He said, “She’s a big fan of gardening. This should be a bit more interesting than those boring studies.” _And easier_ he thought, but didn’t say aloud.

Loki gently traced the petals of the lilies depicted on the cover, then opened it to a random page as Thor leaned over to see better. The next hour was spent reading about water-features in small gardens, Loki picking up speed as they went. It wasn’t perfect at the end of their session, but the boost in the young man’s self-esteem and his grateful smile was a better start to the weekend than Thor could have hoped for that morning.


	16. Threats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel

It was 2 more days before Loki stepped foot into his own apartment again. Thor had driven him to his normal place on the strip where they had said goodbye and Loki had promised to come to the clinic the next Friday. 

After spending several days in Thor’s penthouse, the sight of his own small, shabby space brought him quickly back into reality. A flash of resentment for Thor and his easy life stabbed through him and he worked hard to push it away. It wasn’t Thor’s fault that he was born in prosperous conditions. At least he tried to give back to the community, which was more than could be said of many wealthy people. 

He put the plastic bag Thor had insisted he took on the table, quickly unloading it. There was another pack of Tylenol and some more vitamins. There was also a small carton box of tea-bags and a jar of honey and when Loki fished them out, he found at the very bottom of the bag the note of a hundred dollars that normally came with a visit to Thor. 

Loki bit his lip. It felt somehow wrong to take the money this time. There was no doubt that he needed it, even though he had enough to pay for his rent this month. But he hadn’t worked for it: all he had done was lie around in bed and sleep for most of it...Well, it was Thor’s money and he decided what he wanted to do with it, even if it was giving it to a whore he had somehow grown to feel friendly towards. Mind made up, he secreted the bill into his little stash, then filled his battered kettle and made himself some tea.

The next few nights he dragged himself out to his spot. The worst of his flu was behind him, which was far faster than he had ever healed before, and so he had no reason to stay in anymore. He wrapped his arms around himself as he leaned back against the wall, the air from the vent warming him a little. 

He looked around at the street, letting his eyes rove over different signs and billboards, amusing himself with practicing his reading while he waited. There wasn’t much to see though and the game quickly grew boring even on the first night. He waited several hours each evening, but was only picked up on Wednesday. 

Thursday though, brought a surprise all its own. Normally, Loki stood apart from the ladies who plied their trade a couple of yards away. They had made it clear early in his taking up residence there that his presence would only be tolerated if he kept his distance from them. He hadn’t been looking for friends, so he had taken a spot a safe length of curb away. The only interaction between them was to warn the other side of possibly dangerous clients. 

But now 2 of them were very clearly coming his way and Loki found himself straightening up as they approached. He recognized both of them: both blondes who used their ample assets to attract most of the clients coming to this neck of the woods. They would have been lovely, if they hadn’t been drug users since before they’d come of age. Loki didn’t know their real names, but he had caught the handles they used here. 

“Amora,” he greeted cautiously, “Lorelei.” 

“Hey, Loki.” Amora said in a voice that was so obviously packed with false friendship that it made the little hairs at the back of his neck stand up. “We missed you these last days. Thought you’d taken up shop somewhere else.” 

“No, just got sick.” He watched with carefully concealed glee as both women quickly took a step back, less he prove to be contagious. 

“Well, you’re obviously all better now.” Amora rallied herself. “We were just curious about the guy in the SUV who picked you up a few times. He looks like a nice catch.” 

Ah, so that was what this was about. He should have known that such things wouldn’t pass unnoticed. Gossip was one of the only ways to pass the time and thus a precious trading good. “He’s alright, I guess, good tipper.” He didn’t want to say too much about Thor: talking too much to the wrong people could land him or Thor in jail and he trusted these two about as far as he could throw them. 

“Loaded, is he? Did he take you home with him?” Lorelei asked. 

“Do I look like someone you would take home?” Loki asked in return, trying to play on the girls’ low opinion of him. 

“No, you don’t.” Amora said and now she was drawing herself up to her full length, “So you’d better let someone who deserves him get a shot. Next time he comes over, you’re going to decline and point him towards us. Remember that we can make your life very uncomfortable if you don’t cooperate.”

“After all,” Lorelei said, her lips curved wickedly, “It would be a shame if you were to get into an accident, wouldn’t it?” 

Loki bowed his head and hunched his shoulders, the picture of submission while inside he was seething with anger. How dare those two witches!? How dare they try and take the only good thing to happen to Loki in years? Like Thor would be interested in two harpies. He nearly laughed in their faces, but managed to control himself. Amora and Lorelei weren’t just hookers, they were involved in some pretty shady drug deals and Loki didn’t doubt for a moment that their ‘friends’ could make the threatened accident happen. 

“He won’t come this week.” Loki said, “But I’ll tell him the next time.” 

“There’s a good boy,” Amora praised, giving a patronizing pat on his cheek, “I knew you’d see it our way.” Then she and her ‘sister’ sashayed their way back to their rightful place under the only still working neon-sign on this side of the street. Loki heard peals of laughter coming from the group they had joined and it didn’t take a genius to figure out they were laughing at him. 

Let them, he thought. Loki would just have to prove himself smarter than those two. He had more than a week to come up with a plan. He could even tell Thor it would be easier to come to the hospital every Friday. Thor hadn’t seemed to mind him coming over last week after all and he could just tell Amora and Lorelei that the man had lost interest. It was a common enough occurrence that they probably wouldn’t look for anything behind it. 

Well, one could hope. 

Still, he was glad he didn’t have to face them the next night as he went straight to the hospital instead of waiting for Thor at his usual spot. The clinic seemed busy, even at 6 pm, with people walking in and out and chatting in the waiting room. Loki managed to avoid attracting special attention this time, probably because the person at the desk wasn’t one that Loki had met before and who would thus not recognize him as Thor’s ‘friend’. 

After 45 minutes of waiting and watching the room get progressively less populated, he was called into the examination room, but instead of seeing Thor, Loki recognized Dr. Banner. The man smiled at him and motioned for him to take place on the chair. “If you’re just here to see Thor, you can say so at the front desk the next time. It’ll save you the waiting.” The graying man said kindly. 

“I...” Loki said, stammering over his words in his embarrassment. Really, did everyone here know that Thor picked him up regularly and paid him for his companionship? “Thor...that is, Dr Odinson wanted me to come over to see if I needed more medication for my flu. He also wanted to draw some blood to get it analyzed..?” Thor had mentioned it when he drove Loki back home, saying he wanted to check how his vitamin levels were coming along. 

“Would you mind me doing it or would you rather wait for Thor to finish with his current case?” Banner asked as he rummaged around on his desk, looking for a vial to draw blood in. 

Would he prefer Thor? Oh yes, Loki trusted Thor more than someone he had only met in passing a few times. Would he show such a weakness to others? No, definitely not. So Loki offered his arm and said: “I don’t mind.” 

Dr Banner gave him a slight smile before pointing at the armrest of the chair Loki was in. “You can place your arm on there; I’m going to draw blood from your inner elbow.” He put on some gloves and brought over his needle and vial before tying a piece of cloth low on Loki’s upper arm. It barely even twinged when the needle was inserted into the artery and he watched with silent fascination as the vial was quickly filled and capped. Dr Banner than wrote some information on the label and stored the vial in a holder on his desk. “There.” he said, while handing Loki some cotton to keep in place while he taped it up, “That went rather well. It’s going to the lab tonight, so you should have the results early next week.” 

He cocked his head then, and Loki heard Thor’s voice coming from the corridor. Banner winked at him as he went to his own door and opened it. “Thor,” Dr Banner said, “I think I have someone that would benefit more from your expertise.” He motioned for Loki to come closer and Thor let out a laugh when he saw him. 

“I’ll take him off your hands then.” Thor said. He took the vial of blood from the other doctor as well before he escorted Loki into his own examination room. Loki sat down into the other seat, watching as Thor made another note on the vial label before placing it into his own rack. “I’m just going to ask the lab to check your vitamin and iron status. If there are any shortages, we can target them specifically. Now, how has your flu been?” the blond asked as he took a seat in front of Loki and gently pressed a spot on his throat. 

Loki felt himself tense up for a second before reminding himself that of course a doctor needed to test his patients. “It’s been good. My fever is gone and the tea has done wonders for my throat.” 

“Hmmm,” Thor hummed, “No more swollen glands or anything, I think we can declare you healed.” He gave a smile and a wink. “How about we celebrate your returned health by going bowling?” 

“Aren’t you working?” Loki asked. It had been ages since he had last been in a bowling alley, for the birthday party of one of his friends, back when his mother was still with them. 

“I usually stop around 7, so no.” Thor stood up and washed his hands before starting to pack up his things. “Bruce can take it from here; he mostly does the shift from 6 to 9. After that it’s only emergencies and thankfully we don’t have too much of those. If there’s really something urgent the people at the desk know to call me.” He held the door open for Loki and closed it behind them. “So, bowling sound good to you?” 

“Sure,” Loki replied, “Although we might have to ask them to raise the kiddy-bumpers for me.” He smiled along with Thor’s booming laugh, Amora and Lorelei blissfully forgotten for the moment.


	17. Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, Marvel does.

Bowling did indeed prove fun, even with the threatened kiddy-bumpers. The first game went rather according to the rules, but the second one devolved into seeing how hard they could throw the balls pretty quickly. The only minor downside (if it could be called that) of the outing had been when Loki had been lining up to take a shot and Thor had wished he could plaster himself to the other's back, take his arm and show him what he was doing wrong. That amount of physical contact went far beyond anything he had tried before, so he had regretfully shelved the thought and consoled himself with thinking that he would have the opportunity one day.

They went out to buy hamburgers afterwards and took them back to Thor's apartment where they dropped onto the couch and tore into their dinner. Thor licked a bit of sauce from his left thumb and surreptitiously stole a glance at Loki, who was playing with the last of his fries. The dark-haired man had seemed pretty relaxed while they had been at the bowling alley, but there was a certain tension slipping back into his shoulders now.

At first, Thor thought that it might be because they were alone and Loki was slipping back into his old habits of being wary of anyone that came too close. But he still smiled at Thor when he made a joke and the expression seemed genuine enough, so Thor thought the other still trusted him.

It could very well be something that had happened out on the streets, he reasoned, as Loki still kept that part of his life to himself. Just like he didn't talk about his past, or his family, not even when Thor talked about his own in a subtle bid to give Loki the segue to open up about the subject if he wanted to. Thor didn't like pushing his friend into anything, but this looked serious enough to warrant some gentle prodding.

“Are you alright?” he asked therefore, giving a reassuring smile when Loki looked up with an expression that was just shy of 'deer in the headlights'. “It's just that you seem a little tense.” he explained.

“I'm fine.” Loki replied immediately, though Thor thought that what he actually meant was 'it's none of your business'. Then Loki hesitated, twirling his last fry round between his fingers and looking at it like it held all the answers in the universe. “Just a little discussion with the others, it happens from time to time. It's not fun, but it's no big deal either.”

Thor's brow furrowed at the mention of 'the others'. Did Loki mean the other tenants on his floor? He decided to take a risk and push a little more. “Would you like to talk about it?”

“There's not much to say. We stay out of each other's hair mostly, but sometimes they think I come on their turf and they point me back to my rightful place.” He rolled his eyes and made air quotes around the last two words and Thor relaxed as he got the impression that it wasn't too serious an altercation. “I just don't like fights,” Loki continued, “even when they are just verbal.”

“The worst fights I've been in were verbal,” Thor agreed, thinking about the shouting matches he had had with his father when he wanted to start the clinic. “I'm sure it will blow over now that they've made their point.”

Loki shrugged a little. “It always has before.” he said, though the frown lines on his brow did not disappear entirely. Thor gave him a smile and a companionable pat on the knee before finishing his own fries and that was the end of it. Loki stayed for the night, though he insisted on Thor sleeping in his own bed while he took the couch and Thor dropped him off the next morning on the way to the clinic.

When he got Loki's blood work report back on Wednesday, the results were about what he would have expected. The previous dose of vitamins he had prescribed had brought nearly all the levels back to normal, except for two: folic acid and iron. As long as Loki kept living the way he did now, those would probably never sort themselves out since it involved the consumption of fresh fruits and vegetables and a regular portion of meat or meat substitutes. He would give Loki another prescription for those and then just keep monitoring the situation until he could convince the other to move in with him.

Neither Bruce nor Sif had brought up the situation with Loki by themselves, but Thor got the message from their knowing looks: if there was ever something he wanted to talk about, they would be there for him. And they would give him the advice best suited to Thor, since they were first and foremost his friends. Not that he could blame them: he often got a little impractical if he was carried away by his emotions.

He should also talk to his mother and explain the whole situation to her. Having Loki over those days when he had been ill had really driven home to him how much he wanted the other man to be a permanent part of his life. Besides, if Loki continued to stay over every week, it would be only a matter of time before she barged in on them and it would be far less traumatic for all parties involved if she had a full explanation before that happened.

Seeing as there were enough doctors to keep the clinic running today, Thor decided that there was no time like the present, took the rest of the day off and drove out to his parent's house (well, more like mansion but the word always seemed too heavy when talking about the home where he grew up). Although it had been a split-second decision, he was glad that he had chosen this time of the day, when his father would be cooped up at work for several more hours. Talks about emotions were not Odin's forte and better handled by his mother. He would come clean to her and she would then broach the topic with his father when she thought the time was right.

He let himself in and gave a subtle shout in greeting. Frigga's voice drifted back to him from somewhere at the rear of the house and he made his way to the veranda where his mother was enjoying the sun on one of the few days when the blue of the sky was visible through the normal gray of winter clouds. She closed her book and stood up so they could share a hug. Thor made it a point to lift her slightly from the floor, just because he could.

“Darling!” his mother enthused, “It must be months since you came out here yourself instead of forcing me into the city whenever I want to see you.” She looked him up and down, patted his cheek once and then asked the maid to get them some drinks. Soon after they were both seated on easy chairs in the veranda and Thor was trying to find a way to start the conversation he wanted to have, when his mother came to his rescue. “How is your wooing going?”

“About the same as last time, though I'm more convinced that he's the one for me.” He slowly stirred his coffee, watching the milk distribute itself in the black liquid, “It's actually what I came to talk to you about. If this should get serious, I want you to know about it before anything really happens.”

His mother placed a hand on his knee and Thor lifted his head to look at her. The look in her eyes promised she would try to be as open-minded as possible, about whatever it was her son would tell her, but he feared that this was something even his kind-hearted mother would struggle with. Nevertheless, she had the right to know and find out from him instead of learning about it second-hand.

Thor took a breath and started. “You already know I've fallen in love with someone I met at the clinic.” Frigga nodded her agreement but didn't interrupt. “It's not a doctor or any of the nurses, he's a patient.” His mother's mouth gave a little pull to the side, but again, she didn't speak up, so Thor went on. “Life hasn't been kind to him: he was placed in a foster home at 17 and ran away several weeks later. Police suspect he was physically abused and that's why he ran. He ended up here and I think he was homeless for some time because he wouldn't have had any money.” He had to stop a moment at the thought of a younger Loki roaming the streets until hunger drove him to do the unthinkable. “He has a little place of his own now, though the building he lives in is in a bad neighborhood and I'm sure it isn't very comfortable or well-equipped.”

He didn't wait before continuing, afraid that if he stopped just for a second he would chicken out. “He was brought into the clinic after a fight. A client of his had beat him up and left him in an alley for hours before someone came by and noticed him.”

“A client of his?” Frigga asked and now his mother's voice was sharp.

“He's a prostitute, mother.” Thor said, looking her straight in the eye. He wasn't ashamed of Loki, he thought he was one of the strongest persons he had ever met. But his mother was relaxing a little and Thor understood than she had thought Loki was a drug dealer. She obviously wasn't happy with the profession he did have, but she had nothing but contempt for people that helped ruin the lives of others and everything else was a step up in her view.

“Have you slept with him?” His mother asked, cutting right to the chase.

Thor blushed furiously. He understood why she asked of course, but there were still some subjects sons didn't feel comfortable talking about with their mothers. “No.” he said, “I don't want him to associate me with that. I want to be someone he can trust and feel comfortable around. All the rest is something for later.”

Frigga was silent for a long while and Thor finished his coffee while she thought. He had had several months to come to grips with his feelings for Loki, his mother didn't have the benefit of that amount of time. If his mother could get behind his decision, he knew it would only be a matter of time before she could persuade his father. If Frigga decided this was not something she could support her son in, then his chance of ever getting his father to make peace with said decision was less than zero. He didn't want to loose both his parents, if that was the case, but he didn't know if he would be able to give up Loki either.

“I don't have to tell you,” his mother finally said, “that this is a recipe for disaster. Have you even considered that he's just getting close to you for your money?”

“Loki isn't like that.” Thor said, but he knew it sounded childish. “He's been through very rough times and he doesn't trust anyone completely. I'm probably the only friend he's had in years.”

“But you pay him for his company?” his mother asked and at Thor's nod, “And very handsomely I presume, knowing you.”

“I wanted him to be able to pay his rent. And buy real food. He's had to scrape by for years, he's not going to blow it all on stuff he doesn't really need.” he defended Loki. “It's not like I can't miss it.” he added.

Frigga sighed: “It's not about whether you can miss it, darling, it's about whether he's using you.” She tapped her finger against her mouth thoughtfully and seemed to come to a conclusion. “I would have a better outlook on the situation if I could meet him.”

“You're not going to give him the third degree..” Thor started, but Frigga hushed him.

“Do you really think so little of me? I'll just come by and say hello and we'll see how it goes. It doesn't have to be a big occasion.”

Thor thought about it. He was nearly sure Frigga would like Loki if she could see beyond what he did for a living. And he couldn't deny that it would be good for Loki to have a maternal figure in his life.

“Alright.” he said, “He's coming to the clinic at 7 on Friday.”

“Then I'll be there too.” She kissed his temple and said “Don't spend the next two days worrying about it. You're usually a good judge of character. I just can't help but want to see him for myself and make sure my boy's heart is in worthy hands.”

She laughed at his renewed blush and they spent the rest of the afternoon chit-chatting about inconsequential things and enjoying the sunshine.


	18. Lies and truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Marvel owns all characters, I own none.

Loki was pretty proud of his acting talent. He had had to say something to Thor when the other had asked about his tense mood. He thought he'd downplayed it rather well. The less Thor knew of the unsavory side of Loki's life, the better it would be. He knew this, rationally, but whenever he was in Thor's presence, the urge to tell him things, to share his burdens, was a constant at the back of his mind.

It wasn't that the other could relate to such problems, Loki had no illusions about that. Their worlds were miles apart. It was just that every time he told Thor something, he really felt the support Thor gave him. The doctor was a good listener, not someone who just threw in some random 'yeah's or hummed in all the appropriate places, but who asked questions and wanted to look for solutions. He didn't judge Loki for being a prostitute, treating him with as much warmth as he did his staff-members. He felt like a normal person around the doctor, like he had worth.

The last weeks had been the best times he'd had since his father had started to use him as a way to settle his debts. He'd laughed, laughed!, when they had been bowling and then at the stupid jokes Thor had told afterwards. It had felt so good to forget his real life for a moment and just pretend that he was normal and enjoying a night out with a friend. Consequently it was hard to go back to his own world afterwards: the waiting on the street to be picked up, his cold shoe-box of an apartment, the financial worries,...

Fridays had rapidly become the highlight of his week, but he had something to do before then. He hunched his shoulders a little more where he stood leaning against the building at his back, trying to look even more miserable than he already was. If he was going to out bluff Amora and Lorelei, he would need every trump he could get. Which was also the reason he hadn't eaten decently for three days: if he began to fatten up, they would never believe that he didn't get extra income from somewhere. He did keep taking the vitamins though, not wanting to disappoint Thor.

So on Tuesday he gathered his courage and pushed off from the wall to walk over into the girl's territory. Amora and Lorelei immediately came up to him, smiling like cats that caught the canary, sure Loki had caved under their pressure and would give them what they wanted.

“So, when is he coming?” Lorelei asked, her bare arms showing the pinpricks of many needletracks.

Loki bit back his disgust in favor of showing a submissive demeanor. “He isn't interested anymore.”

“Not interested in you, you mean.” Amora said, tossing her blond hair.

“Not interested in anyone.” Loki amended, “He's found himself a girlfriend. Made it pretty clear he's done with this side of town.”

Lorelei took a step closer, her hand coming up surprisingly fast for someone who spent such a large amount of time stoned out of her mind. “You wouldn't be lying to us, would you, Loki?” She grabbed his hair and pulled hard, making tears spring up in his eyes, “Because it's mighty suspicious that he should stop wanting to see you as soon as we ask about him. And we didn't see you again on Friday.”

“Ah,” Loki couldn't help biting out a little cry as she twisted her hand, “Why would I lie to you. I appreciate the fact that you let me work here. I know what kind of friends you have. He's not coming here anymore, that's what he said, I'm just passing on the message. And I told you I was ill, I need to go to the clinic regularly for check-ups.”

Lorelei gave him another jerk before letting go. Amora laughed. “Look at him, sister, he's obviously too pitiful for anyone to want him. If that guy was still seeing him, he'd at least look decently fed.” Her countenance became sterner then and she leaned forward. “Still, if we hear you've been playing us, we'll make you pay, got that?”

“Got it,” Loki whispered, one hand in his hair to massage his aching skull.

“Run off now.” Amora said, “And keep that nasty sickness of yours to yourself.”

She turned back to the others and Loki took that as his dismissal, hurrying back to his relatively safe piece of curb. His scalp hurt, but he thought he'd gotten off relatively light. And he'd given himself an excuse to go to the clinic every week. Amora and Lorelei didn't know who Thor was, or where he worked, so if they saw him go in there, no one would raise any questions. He heaved a sigh of relief: one problem down.

When Friday came, he went to the clinic, a little jittery about what the results of his bloodtest would be. He had always drawn comfort from the fact that he never felt too badly and he always got better when he had the flu, so it wouldn't be too bad. Still, that left a lot of little things that could be amiss.

He was running a little late, since he had overslept. His client from last night had been one of the rare people who has used the entire night and hadn't been content with just one quick fuck to let off steam like most of them were. Loki had only arrived home at 9 in the morning and had needed a shower before bed. He had never been able to sleep with the feeling of their hands and sweat still on him. His bed was his safe place and he didn't want it stinking of sex.

As a result he'd woken up far later than usual and had had to hurry, his comb scraping a little painfully over the patch of skin where Lorelei had fisted his hair. He gave an annoyed hiss, changed his clothes to the only washed pair he had left, shrugged on the jacket and closed up. The days were finally beginning to get a little warmer, though by now it was dark again and that meant Loki was still grateful for his warm jacket.

The clinic was calmer, the largest part of the flu-epidemic now behind them. There were only two other people in the waiting room, but the person at the reception desk seemed to recognize him and pointed him straight to the examination room Thor had used last time. The door was open and as he peeked inside, he found Thor talking to a glamorously beautiful woman. Loki swallowed as he saw her profile and recognized her from the pictures he had seen at the doctor's apartment. Thor's mother.

He was about to return to the waiting room to give them some privacy (and yes, remove himself from any possible scrutiny) when Thor caught sight of him. Loki pointed back at the waiting room, trying to convey he would wait there. Thor shook his head and beckoned him over, beaming like introducing your prostitute friend to your mother was something that happened every day. The woman had turned around now too and threw him a smile. Loki wasn't fooled by outside appearances though: her eyes weren't all that friendly looking yet and there was something searching in her eyes. His heart-rate sped up and he felt like as small animal that was pinned down and ready to be dissected. Nevertheless, he stepped into the room and closed the door behind himself.

“Loki, glad you could make it.” Thor greeted. He pulled a file out of a heap on his desk and handed it over. “That's the result of your bloodwork. Most of the results are to be expected. I took the liberty of writing you a prescription for the ones you are still a bit low on.” His eyebrows creased a bit in concern when he looked Loki over, but apparently he decided against speaking up with his mother in the same room. “Come,” he said instead, “I want you to meet someone.”

Loki put the paper back on the table and allowed Thor to lead him over to where the woman in question was seated. She rose and held out her hand as Thor said: “Loki, this I my mother, Frigga. Mom, this is my friend, Loki.”

“Nice to meet you.” Loki addressed Frigga, digging up the polite social reply from somewhere in his brain. He shook her hand lightly, sure that she would be able to feel his heart beating merely by holding his hand.

“The pleasure is all mine,” she said, offering a more genuine smile as if she was feeling his distress and wanted to sooth it. “Thor has spoken of you with great fondness and I admit I was looking forward to meeting you.”

Oh Lords, what could Thor have possibly said about him? That they had met when Loki had been beaten up? That he was a hooker? That he couldn't read? What mother would want such a friend for her son? She was probably just waiting to get him alone and tell him to stay away from Thor.

The conversation fell flat on his side since 'I hope he told only good things' seemed far too hypocritical an answer. Frigga wasn't deterred, although she cast a quick look at Thor. “I'm glad Thor found a new friend. He has had to say goodbye to nearly his entire social life with the hours he's kept these last years. It's good of you to make sure he gets out every once in a while.”

“Actually,” Loki said, playing with the hem of his jacket, “it's the other way around. I hadn't gone out with a friend like that in a long time.” It wouldn't do to be dishonest against Frigga, certainly not on something she was bound to already know.

“Well, then consider it helping each other.” Frigga said, “Because I sincerely doubt that Thor would have done it by himself.” And then she laughed at Thor's whine of 'Mother!' She gave her son a quick pat on the cheek saying, “Come now, darling, who else am I going to share all that blackmail material about you with?”

They were so easy around each other, Loki thought, watching as Thor grumbled good-naturedly while his mother tousled his hair. Had he ever been that way with his own mother? It was hard to remember a time when touching didn't instantly lead to anxiety. It was different with Thor now: he had never shown any sexual interest around Loki and therefor could be trusted. What would it be like to be so carefree that the touch of another wouldn't send him into a state of panic?

“Are you alright, Loki?” Thor asked.

Loki looked up from where he had been looking at Frigga's hand that rested so naturally against her son's chest. They were both looking at him now with concern in their eyes. Loki tried to school his features into something approaching a smile and cleared his throat before getting out “Just fine, thank you.”

Frigga took her bag from the ground and gave Thor a quick peck on the cheek. “I really should be going. I left Squirrel alone in the backyard and Heavens know what he's been up to in my absence. You two have a nice night now.” She shook Loki's hand again. “I look forward to seeing you again, dear.” And then she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Loki's cheek. It only lasted a moment and it was definitely not a sexual gesture, but Loki flinched back before he could stop himself.

Frigga was nice enough to just continue like it hadn't happened and with a final 'bye' and a wave she was out of the door, leaving Loki staring after her with the patch of skin where her lips had been still tingling faintly.

 


	19. The past of Loki Nal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: I own none of these characters, they all belong to Marvel.
> 
> Due to my week-long vacation, there will be no update next Friday. I will have the next chapter up on Friday the 9th of May. I hope this doesn't bother too many people and if it does I'm really sorry about it. I had originally planned for this story to have ended by now, but the plotbunnies decided otherwise.

Thor felt a pang of guilt for putting Loki through such an emotional roller coaster. The look on the young man's face as his mother left spoke of heartache and longing, but also of fear. Thor had to admit that he knew nothing of Loki's mother other than that she had left him. He didn't know if that would make Loki more or less likely to attach himself to a substitute-mother.

There was no doubt that Frigga would allow the attachment. He had seen the way her eyes had gotten the tell-tale sheen of impending tears and rather than force Loki into an even more emotionally charged atmosphere, she had taken her leave. Thor made a mental note to call her later. Other than comforting his mother, he thought she might have some insights that he had missed because he was too invested to see it himself.

Now that he was looking closely at Loki, he could see what he thought to have caught earlier: the man seemed to have lost a little weight again. It wasn't worrisome and it wouldn't stick out to anyone who hadn't studied Loki's body as he had these last weeks. Professional interest of course. It wasn't the physical aspect that alarmed him so (though he certainly did not like this new development) but the possible reason for it.

Maybe Loki had encountered some unexpected expenses. Thor would have to find a way to subtly ask after it. He didn't want to consider other options, like Loki developing an eating disorder. Gods, didn't he have problems enough already without new ones popping up left and right?

“She seems like a nice woman, your mother.” Loki said. His hand crept up to the place where she had kissed him, feeling the skin there as if touching a blessing … or like it had been struck.

“She is,” he agreed, “but I'm sorry if she made you uncomfortable.”

Loki shrugged, dropping his hand again to play with the tag on the zipper of his jacket. “I don't really know how to act around mothers, I guess.”

He looked so lost that Thor couldn't help himself. He approached Loki slowly, spreading out his arms in the universal offer of a hug. He didn't take the last step that separated them, leaving Loki the choice on whether to accept or not. It made him feel foolish, a bit, standing there like a scarecrow, with Loki looking at him with uncertain eyes. But it proved worth it when the younger man moved into him a moment later, standing rather stiffly at first when Thor closed his arms gently around him. His body relaxed in stages as Thor simply rocked them slightly from left to right and back.

He didn't do anything else: didn't pull Loki tighter, didn't rub his back, didn't hold the back of his head to tuck it beneath his own chin. This was big enough. To have Loki willingly step into his arms to be comforted. Thor felt like he could cry himself, but instead he said: “That's alright. My mom would be only too willing to give you as much time as you need to get comfortable.”

“My mom left us when I was 11.” Loki shared. His voice was soft and breathy and Thor thought he might be crying, but couldn't see enough of his face to be sure. “Just walked out one morning and didn't come home. She took nothing with her. I think she wanted to forget us as soon as possible.”

“I'm sorry.” Thor said, not knowing what else to say.

Loki gave a little sound that was half between a sob and a laugh. “What do you have to be sorry for? It wasn't your fault.”

“But I'm willing to bet it wasn't yours either.” Thor said.

“It had to be,” Loki returned, “Why else would she leave? She would have stayed if I'd been worth it.”

“No.” Thor said, “You can't think that way. What your mother did...” he stopped for a moment, unsure of how to express himself. Loki pulled back a little. Tears were obviously threatening, but they hadn't fallen yet. Thor wondered when the last time was that Loki had allowed himself to cry, knowing it was a sign of weakness that could be exploited. “What your mother did, that was her decision. And she took it for herself. I don't know what she was thinking when she did it, but I sincerely doubt that you were the reason for her leaving.”

“She hated our home.” Loki admitted, “Hated being stuck at the edge of society and always fighting to keep from falling off.”

“You couldn't have changed that.” Thor said.

“I know.” Loki said, “I mean, in my head I know. But I always felt like I could have done something... anything... to make her stay.”

“We can only be responsible for ourselves.” Thor said, “Your mother was an adult and she made the choice she thought would bring her the most happiness. It was unfair of her to not consider what it would do to you, but you can't help that. Just like you couldn't have made her stay. It was her choice, Loki.”

Loki swallowed and nodded. Thor wasn't certain he believed him, but this would have to do for now. They stood there for a few moments longer while Loki regained control of himself. Thor let him go at the first sign that he wanted his space back. “Why don't we just stay in tonight?” he asked, “We could order something and watch some mindless tv.” _Please,_ he thought to himself, _please don't let him retreat back into his shell._

But Loki just nodded and followed Thor out to his car, apparently still deep in thought. The drive was made in the same silence. Once in the apartment, Thor busied himself with ordering their food (chinese this time) while Loki made himself comfortable on the couch. Thor chose not to bother him with questions while they waited. He had told himself from the beginning that he wouldn't press Loki for information about his past. If he wanted to volunteer it, Thor would be there to listen and support him, but he wouldn't go actively digging for it unless he thought it would be in Loki's best interest.

Instead, he put on the tv and when their order arrived, they ate in the living room, watching a documentary about starfish. It gave him an idea on where to take Loki on one of their next outings: the aquarium. Thor himself had loved going when he was smaller and even still regularly went when he perhaps should have 'grown out of it'. He was rather sure Loki would have never seen anything like it and some of the creatures they had there were absolutely marvelous.

When the empty cartons (or half filled cartons in Loki's case) were cleared away, Thor opened his mouth to ask if there was anything in particular Loki was in the mood for seeing. The younger man beat him to it. “If I tell you something, would you promise me not to tell anyone else?”

“Of course.” Thor said, setting his glass of soda on the coffee table and turning slightly so that his full attention was n his guest. “That's what friends are for.”

Loki gave him a faint smile before continuing. “You've done a lot for me. And you've certainly been the best friend I've ever had. I've never told anyone else about this. But...I feel safe with you and so I believe my secrets will be safe with you too.”

Thor reached over and took Loki's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “They will be, I promise.”

Loki looked at their hands for a moment: Thor's tanned, big one against Loki's own pale and far more slender appendage. He then sucked his lips between his teeth briefly and nodded. And then he began to talk.

“My family used to live in Savannah. My father worked loading ships at the port and my mother cleaned office buildings in the evening and at night. I have two brothers, though I haven't seen them in years. We got by. Nothing fancy, but we had food and clothes and even an old pc to do our homework on.” Thor nodded and tried to imagine it all. “My parents yelled a lot when they saw eachother, but since dad worked in the day and mom by night we weren't witness to too many shouting matches. Mother wanted to go back to school, something her own family hadn't been able to afford it. Not that we could afford it either. I guess she got tired of the shouting and making ends meet without hope for improvement. So she left.”

Thor gave another squeeze and then listened with a sinking heart as Loki told the rest of his story. His father had apparently had a very volatile temperament, his brothers had followed their mother's example as soon as they had been able and Loki had been trapped with someone who raked up gambling bets until he died when Loki was 17.

Without other traceable relatives, he had been put into foster care. The woman had been alright, but the man had been a drunk and after an argument, he had pushed Loki down the stairs. Loki had made up his mind to run away then. He hadn't wanted to tattle on these people for fear of being put into an even worse situation so he bore it until his injuries were healed, stole some of their money and bought a train ticket to the farthest place he could find. Which ended him in Thor's city without money or a roof over his head.

He'd tried to find a job for several days, but no-one wanted to take him on when he couldn't give a home address or the number of a parent who could vouch for him. After a few days of hunger, Loki had caved and stepped into the one trade that didn't ask any questions and didn't care if he had a home or parents.

And when the stress had been too much, he'd become addicted to alcohol and spent months in it's grip, steadily deteriorating until he'd found the strength somewhere to break his vicious circle. And then he had rented the apartment and everything had been better for a while. And then he had been beaten up.

Loki stopped there and Thor had to force his voice into obeying him. “And that was when they brought you into the clinic?”

The dark-haired man nodded. “I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore. I'm not exactly good friend-material.”

“You think hearing what you've been through would make me stop wanting to be your friend? You didn't choose those things, Loki. You did what you had to to survive. It only makes me respect you more.” He could feel tears starting to gather in his own eyes and did the only thing he could think of, which was to offer another hug. Loki was faster to accept this one and they sat that way for a long time.

Thor wasn't fooled into thinking Loki had told him everything. He had the feeling that there was more to it on certain points where Loki had been especially vague. Like how they had managed to pay back his father's debt and what the argument with his foster father had been about. Still, it was a big sign of trust on Loki's part and Thor would do everything he could to keep his promise.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel.
> 
> Thank all of you for being so patient with me. I really enjoyed my holiday, but now I'm back with the promised chapter.

After his 'big talk' with Thor, Loki felt like a huge weight had dropped from his shoulders. Not at first of course, then he had been doubly nervous that Thor would reject him out of hand, even without the more gruesome details that he hadn't felt ready to talk about yet. But the blond had reacted like he had reacted to pretty much everything else he had found out about Loki: with steady acceptance and the assurance that he would be there for him whenever Loki needed him.

 

It seemed surreal, that Thor knew all those things, knew Loki's profession, and still thought he was a worth-while individual.

 

Loki had once more spent the night in Thor's bed, while the doctor had taken to the couch. During the night, Loki had woken up several times to the sound of someone pacing in the living room. It made him feel slightly guilty to have burdened someone else with his problems to the point that they couldn't sleep from it. The relief he felt from having been able to talk about all those things (and in doing so work through them a little) weighed heavier though and he was able to go back to sleep when he heard Thor lie down on the couch again.

 

Other than having some faint black circles under his eyes, Thor hadn't looked worse for the wear the next morning and he had greeted Loki with a smile when he had stepped into the kitchen. There had been no disgust and no pity, just their usual breakfast together and Loki had smiled back at him with genuine gratitude.

 

The weeks after that passed swiftly as the weather finally let go of it's wintry chill and turned softer. Winters were always the hardest parts of the year: it was bitterly cold to have to stand outside for so long and people didn't like to venture outside much. Business picked up along the strip and Loki usually managed to land a client every other day. Along with the money Thor still gave him, it allowed Loki to save a little for the first time in his life.

 

He continued to spend time with Thor, mostly on their regular Friday's but sometimes they had to reschedule when Thor had to work Fridays in the clinic. Sometimes Thor got him presents on top of paying him. He'd gotten 2 books (not too difficult but not children's books either) and another set of clothes. They weren't thrift shop stuff, so Loki wouldn't be able to wear them when he was working, but he was still very grateful for them.

 

He had tried to refuse Thor's money only once, on a morning where it was raining outside and they watched it pour down from Thor's kitchen window as they slowly drank their coffee after breakfast. Thor had reached for his wallet and begun to take out the notes when Loki had taken a deep breath and said “You don't have to.”

 

“Excuse me?” Thor had asked, looking slightly bewildered.

 

“You don't have to pay me.” Loki clarified, even though his mind was shouting at him that he needed that money. “I like spending time with you and you already bought me dinner and breakfast.”

 

Thor had smiled widely at that. “I like spending time with you too. But I also like knowing that you have enough to eat and that you can pay your rent. And even if that's the case without me paying you, I'd like to know you have a little extra for when you might need it. So really, paying you is to my benefit as much as it is yours.” He took the notes out and slid them across the table so they landed at Loki's elbow. “Alright?”

 

“Alright,” Loki had said after swallowing hard. And then he had stood up and hugged Thor. It was the first time that he had initiated friendly contact himself and it was therefor a rather short hug, but Thor was beaming when Loki pulled back nevertheless. And that was the end of the money debate.

 

The problem of Amora and Lorelei seemed to have been resolved with Loki's little performance of rejected misery. He was still weary of them, but he found it hard to look suitable miserable when things were going so well. He was careful not to put weight back on to keep up his ruse, but since it bothered Thor to see him so skinny, he made sure he didn't loose any more either.

 

As another part of his ruse, he went to the clinic every Friday around 7 pm. He had told Thor that it wasn't any trouble and that he didn't want Thor to get in trouble with the cops if they saw him 'soliciting' each week. Which was true, Loki told himself firmly, just not the entire truth. Besides: the clinic was interesting. All sorts of people came in and out and the staff and medical personnel were kind. Loki had the feeling they would have behaved that way even if they hadn't known he was friends with Thor.

 

The blonde was usually either finished for the day by the time Loki walked in or was just on his last patient. Some times though, the clinic was busier and Thor was forced to stay longer and help out. Loki didn't mind: the people that manned the reception often invited him to sit with them and he was able to pick up a few skills from watching them work.

 

One Friday at the end of March saw Loki sitting behind the desk and watching how the clerk on duty made the attendance-schedule for the next two weeks. It was a bit of a puzzle to lay, trying to have a full permanence from scraps of donated time from almost 20 different people. Thor got placed in all the empty spots and Loki had the feeling that the staff was really grateful to have someone who was always available.

 

Movement caught his attention as something went by in the corner of his vision. Loki turned his head in time to see a veritable tower of paperwork walk by. The topmost folders were threatening to fall of at any moment as the middle-aged man he had come to know as Phil Coulson tried to open the door to the office.

 

Loki stood up and walked towards Coulson, who was now using his elbow to try and push the door-handle down without dropping his pile altogether. “Can I...?” he asked, gesturing to the door and trying not to squirm under Phil's gaze.

 

“Please,” the older man said, moving a few steps to give Loki room enough to open the door. Loki watched him walk inside once the obstacle was out of his way and let the pile down on the desk with a soft sigh of relief. “Thanks.” Phil said, giving that small enigmatic smile of his. Loki merely shrugged a shoulder: he hadn't really done all that much.

 

Knowing that too much direct attention made Loki rather nervous, Coulson began flipping through various folders. “Would you mind giving me a hand with these while Thor is still busy?” he asked.

 

Loki pondered the question. He knew he could say no and that the other wouldn't be angry at him for it. From all the gossip he had heard, no-one had ever seen Phil Coulson angry. Still, while his reading skills had improved drastically, he knew there was still room for improvement. And he would be totally lost if it came to medical terms. “What needs to happen with them?” he asked.

 

“They just need to be filed alphabetically.” Coulson said, indicating the cabinets lining the walls. “We need to keep the records for several years. Government requirement.”

 

“Alright.” Loki said, walking up to the desk and taking a folder from the pile. He carefully read the name and then moved to the cabinet marked with the appropriate first letter. Coulson left him to it after a few moments, telling him he could always come and find him if he had any questions.

 

Loki lost himself in filing things, enjoying the simple work and the fact that he could do it. That was something he wouldn't have imagined himself ever doing. He could even pretend to be normal: just another every-day working stiff. He gave a short laugh at the idea and that was how Thor found him.

 

“You seem in a good mood for having been forced into manual labor.” The blond said with a grin of his own.

 

“I don't mind.” Loki said. “I'm glad I could do something back for the clinic.”

 

“You don't have to do anything back,” Thor reminded him, “but it's still very much appreciated. The paperwork has the tendency to grow into huge piles if someone doesn't take care of it and that would be very bad, because that's what gets us funding.”

 

Loki took the last folder, read the label and put it carefully into it's rightful place. “There.” he said with a small grin and a glow of pride in a job well done, “Funding secure.”

 

Thor laughed and gave him a one-armed hug. Another thing he couldn't have imagined feeling comfortable with just a few months ago. Now it felt good, it felt like being wanted as a friend by someone who appreciated him.

 

“I thought we could draw some blood for one more test.” Thor said.

 

Loki sighed and rolled his eyes, but they both knew he was only teasing when he said. “People are going to think I'm a drug-addict with all the needles you poke into me.”

 

Thor gave an amused snort and steered Loki back to his examination room. He grew serious again soon enough. “I would like to test you for STI's.”

 

Loki stiffened for a moment. It was the closest they had ever come to Thor mentioning Loki's line of work. _It's alright_ he reminded himself _He just wants to make sure you're in good health._ Truthfully, Loki had thought about asking for this test. He had held back only because he feared the results so much. There had been only two times when he had engaged in unprotected sex and both times he hadn't had a choice in it. All the others, he had insisted on his partners wearing one. They had all complied, mostly because they probably thought that Loki (as a lowly hooker) could be carrying all sorts of infections and they wouldn't risk their own health for a quick fuck. Loki didn't mind their reasons, only the outcome and this one had suited him just fine.

 

He looked at Thor and thought that if his entire sordid life hadn't chased the man off, the results of this test probably wouldn't either. He swallowed hard and extended his arm. Thor caught it gently and swabbed an area on his inner elbow before taking a needle and drawing a vial of blood. He was good at it and there was barely a twinge as it went in. When he had enough, the needle was withdrawn and replaced with a little cotton ball.

 

Loki pressed the ball down on the little puncture wound, watching as Thor capped the vial and wrote the label. “When will you have the results?” he asked, looking at the tube sitting innocently in the rack.

 

“I'm going to have them all done at once.” Thor replied, rummaging in his cupboard for something else, “The longest should take a week.” He pulled back from the closet and waved an empty plastic cup at Loki, “But I need a little more than blood for these.”

 

Loki took the cup, for a moment not understanding its purpose until it clicked and he started blushing furiously while beating a hasty retreat to the bathroom with Thor chuckling in amusement behind him.


	21. Bittersweet symphony of life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: none of these characters belong to me, they're all Marvel's.

The next week dragged itself along. Friday seemed an inordinately long amount of time away and nothing Thor did was able to convince his watch to run a little faster. Not working long hours, not visiting with his mother and not putting aside the envelope with Loki's test results and resolving not to open it before their usual Friday meeting.

 

The brown envelope from the lab came on Wednesday and Thor opened it only enough to see the name of the tested subject before firmly closing it again and putting it in a drawer where it was out of sight (and so making the temptation to read it slightly smaller).

 

If the universe was even slightly fair, Loki's test would come back clean. But since the universe rarely cared for being fair, anything was possible. The one thing Thor had in hoping the tests would be favorable in outcome, was that Loki had been carrying condoms with him when he had been brought in that first winter-morning. Loki wasn't stupid, so Thor knew he'd at least ask his clients to wear protection. The problem was that if they declined, Thor wasn't certain Loki could afford to say no to the deal or whether he had needed the money so badly that he'd let them proceed without one.

 

Although he had tried to conceal it, it had taken Thor quite a while to process everything Loki had told him about his past. It had kept him up that first night, when his brain refused to stop worrying at it as if it was a dog with a bone. He had wanted to hit something (or even better: someone) at the mere thought of the things that Loki had been forced to endure, but had instead forced himself to pace out all that nervous energy.

 

He was still sure Loki hadn't told him the entire tale and unfortunately, his mind had jumped to conclusions that weren't very pleasant to consider. He had kept his word and not told anyone else about the things Loki had shared with him, not even his mother, though he would have loved to hear her advice. He had also struggled to treat Loki the same way he had done before his confession, not wanting the other to believe Thor pitied him.

 

He had done a fairly good job, he thought, since Loki had not seemed irritated once with the way he treated him.

 

It was wonderful to see the young man come into his own. He moved with a little more confidence: shoulders no longer so bent and he didn't hunch in on himself all the time anymore either. Thor had thought about getting him schoolbooks, which he could peruse in his own time. Or perhaps Loki would even want to attend evening school and get his degree that way. He wasn't stupid, and he seemed willing to work. Thor had heard from the people that manned the desk that Loki was always eager to help and understood everything that was explained to him fairly quickly.

 

If last Friday was any indication, Loki enjoyed using his new skills, even if it was for something as ordinary as filing. Thor wished he could give Loki a real job in the clinic, but unfortunately the funding they got from the state meant that they had to work with volunteers, and volunteers didn't get paid.

 

Still, it was something to keep in mind for when Thor had convinced Loki to come and live with him so he could pay both their expenses and Loki didn't have to work the streets anymore. He found himself longing for that moment more and more. It had taken him some time to get over Jane, but now he felt ready to take the next step with Loki. He loved having him over (even if they didn't sleep in the same bed). The apartment seemed more like a home than just the place where he lived and breakfast was always cozy and relaxed now that Loki had accepted him as a friend.

 

He had been putting off telling Loki what he really felt. Partly it was because he wanted to be sure that Loki trusted him and knew that Thor was 'safe'. Knew he could disagree with Thor's opinion of something and wouldn't be yelled at or beaten if he spoke up about it.

 

The other part was because he was afraid of the answer he would receive. It was entirely possible that Loki would jump from the words 'I love you' to 'I want to have sex with you' and decide he wanted nothing to do with that. He could turn his back on Thor and avoid him. If he got panicked enough, he could even decide to just up and leave town.

 

Bowing to the universal wisdom of mothers everywhere, Thor had asked Frigga for advice in the matter. She had met Loki a few more times in the past weeks and although they were still treading carefully around one another, she had a good view on his personality by now.

 

“You must decide where the point is that you need to be totally honest with him.” Frigga had said when he asked her about the perfect time to confess his love to Loki. “I know you want him to feel safe around you and appreciate you as a friend, but this affects him too and if you wait too long before telling him, he might wonder if all the rest was just a means to bind him to you under the false pretense of friendship.”

 

Thor had thanked her for her insight and then gone home to agonize about the question some more. After nearly a week of internal discussions with himself, he'd decided to do an equal exchange of information. Loki would trust him with the test-results he dreaded so much, then Thor should trust him with his own dreaded confession.

 

And that was why he felt like he was going to burst out of his skin with nerves as he waited for 7 pm to roll around. It might also explain why Sif had taken one look at him and how the lion's share of the patients was now going to Strange's office, with Thor only getting patients when it was too busy for one doctor to handle. He supposed he should feel hurt in his professional pride, but he was too busy being grateful for that.

 

A soft knock made him look up, meeting the concerned gaze of Loki. The green eyes moved from Thor to the envelope he was holding and Thor could see him come to a conclusion and hang his shoulders.

 

“So, it's bad, huh?”

 

“I don't know.” Thor said, “I haven't looked yet.”

 

Loki looked at him for a moment, a frown drawing his forehead into wrinkles. “Are you alright, I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Sif said it was alright to come in.”

 

“No, no,” Thor hurried to reassure him, “ wasn't really doing anything except worrying. But not about your results. Because I haven't seen them yet.” He realized he was stammering and cut himself of.

 

“Okay.” Loki said, but he still looked concerned and like h wanted to ask exactly what the problem was.

 

Thor headed him of by waving the envelope and waggling his eyebrows, finding a smile somewhere. “So, are you ready for this?”

 

Loki sat himself beside Thor on the desk and shook his head. “No, but I need to know, so I'll have to be.”

 

Thor squeezed his knee and tried for another smile but he was certain it looked more like an understanding grimace. He opened the flap and took out the papers inside, hearing Loki take a deep breath to steady himself.

 

Years of reading such tests allowed Thor to let his eyes flit over the papers and find the relevant passages instead of having to read the entire thing. He felt his eyes mist up as he read them again to be sure. Loki was nearly vibrating next to him as Thor turned his head and said: “You're clean.” When the other did nothing but stare at him for a moment, Thor tossed the document aside and lifted Loki, who gave a subdued shriek of surprise as he twirled him around, nearly shouting. “You're clean, everything came back normal, you're healthy as a fish!”

 

Loki laughed and cried at the same time, burying his head against Thor's shoulder and whispering “Thank you.” over and over, though who he was thanking precisely was a little unclear. Thor hugged him nonetheless, swaying him from side to side while his own brain seemed equally unable to chose between laughing and crying.

 

Later he would blame the overall release of tension and the giddiness that permeated the room. Or Loki's closeness as he stood there pressed fully against Thor for the first time in their acquaintance. He would blame a lot of things, but that didn't change what happened.

 

Because somewhere along Loki's happy litany, he started one of his own. “I love you.” he said, and since it sounded good and he wasn't really thinking, he repeated it. He must have said it at least 20 times before Loki recovered from his own feelings enough to hear what Thor was saying. And more importantly: how he was saying it. It wasn't an _I love you_ that couples tossed to each other before leaving for work each morning: a comfortable routine and a casual reminder of feelings. No, this was an _I love you_ that came from the deepest chasms of Thor's heart. It was a laying bare of his soul, something that made him vulnerable like he seldom was.

 

In his arms, Loki stiffened and then pulled away almost violently. His relief had turned into horror and he was staring at Thor with the worst kind of betrayal in his eyes. “No,” he said, shaking his head, but instead of a denial it was a question and Thor answered it in the only way he could. Truthfully.

 

“Yes.”

 

“No!” And now it was shouted, Loki's eyes hardening as he broke Thor's heart in a desperate attempt to guard his own.

 

Thor took a step forward, wanting to explain, to make Loki see that he wasn't betraying him. That he was still his friend. The dark haired man stumbled back a step in nearly blind panic and with a harsh “Stay away from me.” he pulled open the door and ran.

 

Thor heard the sound of his footsteps fade quickly down the hall as he slid to the ground, burying his face in his hands and trying desperately to hold back his tears. He only looked up again as a hand touched his shoulder. Sif was standing bent over in front of him and he cold see several others in the doorway, looking concerned.

 

“Thor?” Sif asked, “Are you alright?” Not trusting his voice, he merely shook his head. “Is this about the tests Loki took? Where the results...?”

 

“No,” Thor said. Wincing at the broken quality of his voice he cleared his throat and tried again, “No, the tests were fine, he's clean.”

 

“Alright,” Sif said, obviously not understanding what had Loki tearing through the clinic in what looked almost like a panic attack and her friend sitting miserably on the ground, but willing to give him all the time he needed to talk.

 

“I told him I loved him.” he said, cursing himself as his voice broke again on the last word.

 

“Oh, Thor.” Sif said, kneeling before him and wrapping him in her arms. To his everlasting relief she didn't mention the misgivings she had had from the start about the viability of a relationship between them. Instead, she let him cry until all that was left were red eyes and a runny nose. Sif dug in her pocket when Thor pulled back and gave him a handkerchief. The door opening was empty when he dared a glance over at it and he blew his nose loudly before sighing.

 

“What do I do now?”

 

Sif shook her head. “Don't do anything right now.” she advised. “You're far too emotional to make important decisions. For that matter, Loki was too emotional as well. You're both going to calm down, and then you're going to talk about it like the actual adults that you both are.”

 

“He doesn't want to see me anymore.” Thor said, shaking his head forlornly, “He won't come and talk about it. I'll probably never see him again.”

 

“We have his address. I'll personally get him if it comes to that. But I wouldn't count him out yet: it could be that he just needs time to get used to the idea.” She chose to ignore Thor's disbelieving sort. “Right now, I'm going to call your mother so she can take you home and in the meanwhile we'll have a nice cup of tea to steady your nerves.”

 

“Sure.” Thor said as he allowed her to help him up and drag him in the direction of the office. “It's not like I have other plans for tonight.”


	22. Everything burns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, they're the property of Marvel.

Loki was in a panic as he tried to leave the hospital with all the speed he could muster. He ignored the shocked cry of Sif as he almost collided with her, shot through the lobby on his long legs and burst into the street without stopping to apologize. All he could think of was getting home, to the only space he considered safe now. He had thought Thor's apartment was on that list, but he had obviously been wrong. Dead wrong.

 

He was forced to slow down when he was only half a mile from the clinic, his side twinging painfully and his lungs burning with the need for air. He put one hand to his side and pressed, trying to catch his breath as he shifted his gait to quick walk. He wasn't stopping and giving Thor the chance to catch up with him. His building wasn't far now and for the first time he was thankful for living in a neighborhood that was considered undesirable. Maybe someone from Thor's social class wouldn't be sure enough to walk through it. The doctor had never been to his home, keeping to the slightly safer part that was the strip.

 

Loki dragged himself up the stairs until he came to his floor, went into his apartment and curled up on his bed. The tears came then, hot and angry and he punched his pillow in frustration. It wasn't fair: he had thought he had finally found a friend, someone who would take him as he was without judging him. But in reality Thor had just been biding his time, getting his trust so that he could eventually get Loki in his bed. He should have known, should have seen it coming. Instead he had let Thor inside his defenses with his talk of friendship and concern about Loki's health. His only comfort was that Thor had had to wait a long time to be able to make his move, at least until he was certain that Loki didn't have anything he could catch. And in that time, Loki had gotten paid rather well. It was some compensation, he supposed, for having his hopes crushed yet again.

 

Yet those extra funds would be gone pretty soon and there was no way they would be replenished now. He wouldn't go to Thor to offer him a deal like he did his other clients. Those men could be assholes, but at least they were honest about what they wanted.

 

Loki gave himself only one hour to regain some semblance of normalcy in his demeanor before going to the bathroom and splashing water in his face. His eyes were red and puffy and his throat hurt from sobbing, but that would hopefully be gone by the time he got picked up. He pulled on some of his more decent clothes and went out, hanging around on his normal spot, watching the cars go by. All the moments he had had with Thor kept crowding into his mind and when he pushed one away two others came to take its place. He was almost relieved when a forty-something man pulled over and invited him along for the night.

 

The man took him to the cheap motel that rented rooms per hour. Loki was able to blank his mind for the duration of their agreement, concentrating instead on the sharp pain that came with not enough preparation or experience on his partner's side. He lay still, only giving the occasional grunt when the man behind him pushed in particularly hard. It was over fairly quickly and the man didn't seem to have the stamina for another go before the time they had rented the room for would have expired. Thank the gods for small favors.

 

Over the next days, Loki settled back into the routine he had followed before meeting Thor that fateful winter day. He slept during the day, went shopping for food which he ate sparingly and spent the nights out on the street. It was familiar and he slid back into it easily, but he couldn't totally forget the intervening time. The worst period of the day was when he had nothing to do but wait. The view wasn't interesting enough to keep him occupied and so his thoughts drifted. He was still pissed at Thor, of course, but a smidgen of doubt crept into his mind and grew steadily stronger. Thor had never given him any hint of wanting to make their relationship a sexual one. And four months was a long time to wait before making his move. If he had just wanted a whore, there were enough of them in the city that would count themselves lucky with landing such a well-off customer that he didn't have to go through the hassle of making someone genuinely like him. He wouldn't have had to settle for someone in Loki's class either.

 

And then there was the impotency-theory Loki had first taken for truth and then discarded when he had thought that all Thor wanted was to be friends. Was it true after all? But then, why change the status quo of their relationship when he had to know Loki wasn't ready to hear it if nothing in their actions towards each other would change? And if he just wanted Loki for the sex, why would he have let him meet Thor's mother? It would be a bit unusual for someone to introduce their mother to the person they intended to have a purely physical relationship with, wouldn't it? The more he thought about it, the less it all made sense.

 

After the first three days, it was a little easier to think clearly about everything now that the initial panic had died down. Unfortunately, one of the results of that major emotion gradually disappearing, was an emergence of guilt. After everything Thor had done for him, he hadn't even given him the chance to explain. Hadn't bothered listening to him; just came to a conclusion, found himself unable to deal with it, and ran.

 

He wasn't too proud of the fact, but he wasn't completely over his anger at Thor either. And so he stayed away, working the streets again. With his new clothes and less drawn features, clients were persuaded to pay a little more, but it was still a far cry from what Thor had given him. He didn't want to touch the little he had saved, keeping it stashed away in its hiding place, knowing there would be a lot of rainy days ahead.

 

Nearly a week after Loki ran out on Thor, he was walking back home in the morning after a rather successful night. Financially successful that was, because his skin was still crawling at the thought of what he had had to do for the money that now rested in his back-pocket. To complete the feeling of misery that had clung to him since last Friday, he saw Amora was still out on the street, even though it was nearly 10am. Loki debated crossing the street and going through an alley to avoid her, but it seemed she had been waiting for him in particular. She walked up to him and Loki reluctantly stayed where he was.

 

“Hi, Loki.” Amora greeted him with false cheer. Loki shuddered and hunched in on himself a little more, wanting to get rid of her quickly. He'd already had a bad night, he didn't need her to make it worse. “How's your doctor doing?”

 

“What?” Loki asked, feeling his blood turn cold as he faced his nemesis. How could she possibly know about Thor? Or was she just alluding to his supposed treatments?

 

“You know,” she continued, sinking Loki's hope of it being the latter possibility, “your rich client that supposedly didn't want anything to do with you anymore.” Amora's voice was so sweet is was sickening before dropping an octave to become openly threatening. “I don't like liars, Loki, especially not when they're lying to me. When one of my friends saw you stepping into his car a few weeks ago at the clinic and told me about it, I thought you needed a lesson on what happens to liars. It took us some time to decide on a suiting punishment....”

 

Another, more pronounced, shiver moved through him as he watched her, much like prey watches a lion. “Amora, ...” he started, desperately trying to think of something that would minimize the damage.

 

“Ah, ah,” she said, “I'm talking.” She came closer and Loki could clearly see the yellowish tint to her skin that came from years of heroin abuse. “So I thought to myself: what could we take from dear Loki that would teach him the value of honesty?”

 

Loki's heart felt like it was thumping in his throat. What could she take from him? His money? There wasn't much of it, certainly not enough to satisfy the bruised ego of a women like Amora. His life? Equally worthless in her opinion, but maybe good to serve as a deterrent to others. Thor's life? His heart skipped a few beats at that possibility, even after the row they'd had. Surely her disagreement was with Loki and not with Thor... Surely she had figured out who Thor was and knew better than to mess with someone who's family held that kind of sway in the city?

 

Amora's grin widened as she saw the fear in his eyes. “Liar, Liar, house on fire.” she sing-songed, “Run along home, little fag.”

 

For a moment, Loki couldn't move. The notion of what she had said, sounded so ludicrous. There were surely simpler ways to take revenge than starting a fire in an apartment-complex and endangering hundreds of others? But Amora and rational had never been friends and so of course she had done so. That's probably where Lorelei was right now.

 

All he had was in that apartment, Loki realized. He pushed passed her and started to run. His lungs burned after only a minute, unused to such strenuous activity, but he pushed himself. He knew he was too late when he heard sirens in the distance and saw smoke billowing from the shattered windows of his apartment. Nevertheless he wove his way through the gaping crowd, running inside and up the stairs as fast as his aching legs would take him.

 

The heat, when he came to within several feet of his door, was unbearable and the roar of the fire overpowered his scream. Flames were bursting out of the open door, keeping him from getting closer. Sweat broke out all over his body, running down his back in rivulets, and he could feel his mouth and eyes getting dry.

 

He had no idea how long he stood there, alternately crying and coughing because of all the smoke coming from the blaze and irritating his eyes and lungs. He only knew that some time later a firefighter took hold of him and wrestled him outside to a paramedic. His eyes started to water when they poured something in it to cleanse them, but he couldn't say what it was or how he had come to be outside all of a sudden. The firefighters and paramedics were talking around him, but he was only half paying attention.

 

“I think he was the owner of the apartment. Doesn't seem to have been home when the fire started. It burned quick and hot, if he'd been inside, he wouldn't have survived it.”

 

“The burns are luckily superficial, he can be treated at the free clinic a few blocks away.”

 

“We'll take him. Anyone else that needs to come?”

 

“No, at this time of day, most people weren't home and those who were all got out safely. The damage is luckily limited to just the one apartment and the directly neighboring ones. It's too soon to say what caused it, we'll know more after the investigation.”

 

Loki zoned out again as the medic put him inside the ambulance and they started driving. He had a few coughing fits, but nothing too bad. His right side, which had been turned towards the fire, stung and felt incredibly hot, but the pain was removed behind a wall of indifference. His life was over, there was no coming back from this. He had worked years for that apartment and in just 20 minutes, everything was gone.

 

The only thing that would make this even worse was if Thor would be present at the clinic when they brought him in.


	23. Out of the frying pan...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel.

Thor groaned as he rolled around in his bed, reaching for his mobile phone where it lay buzzing on the bedside table. He had barely had 3 hours of sleep and so could be forgiven for taking a few extra seconds to find the button that accepted the call. Since the whole fiasco with Loki last Friday, he'd taken pains to cram his days as full as he could get them. Nights were spent fretting over the situation for hours before finally nodding off when his body couldn't take any more and forced him into blessed oblivion.

He had not gone to find Loki, even though he could have found his address in the file the clinic had on him. He'd been too heartsick the first two days and convinced he had to give Loki some space the following ones.

“H'lo” he now slurred as he picked up, his eyes still too bleary to look at the caller-id.

“Thor, it's Sif.” the familiar voice of his best friend came over the connection.

Thor sat up a little straighter. Sif and he saw each other often enough at the clinic that they didn't call the other often in between their coinciding shifts. “Is there an emergency? Do you need me to come in?”

“There's no emergency.” she said, and then immediately corrected herself, “Well, no emergency that we couldn't handle, but it would still be good if you came over.”

“Alright,” Thor said but he frowned while saying it. Why could they want him there if everything was under control? “Can you give me some details?”

Sif hesitated for a moment. “There was a fire in an apartment complex. There was only one person that needed treatment for standing too close to it.” Thor could hear her sigh before she continued. “It's Loki, Thor.”

Thor's heart skipped a beat, then two before making up for it by leaping into a higher gear. He fumbled the phone and nearly dropped it as he tried to untangle himself from the sheets at the same as asking Sif how Loki was.

“Sit down and I'll tell you.” she said.

Either she knew him better than he knew himself or she'd heard all the banging as he hit his shoulder against the bedside table in his rush. Thor drew a deep breath to calm himself as he sat at the edge of his bed. “Okay, I'm sitting.”

“Good,” Sif said. “Bruce examined Loki when the paramedics brought him in. He has slight damage to his lungs from the heat and smoke he inhaled and some nasty burns over one side of his body. We're keeping him in the clinic for at least 2 weeks so we can monitor everything and then we'll see how it evolves.”

Thor dropped his head in his hand. It sounded pretty serious, but it could have been much worse. Two weeks meant that the burns were limited and no worse than second degree. He didn't want to think about what would have happened if Loki had been in his apartment when the fire had started. “I'm going to get dressed and then I'll come right over.” he promised. They said their goodbyes and Thor put his phone on the table instead of throwing it across the room to relieve some of the anger that bubbled up inside him. Smashing his phone wouldn't help Loki.

He stood up and pulled a set of fresh clothes from his closet, putting them on before taking just a moment to splash some water into his face and finger-comb his hair into some semblance of order. He then went back into his room and gathered up some clothes he thought would fit Loki, since he knew everything but the clothes he had one would have been destroyed by the fire. They could shop for new ones when Loki was well enough for it, for now these were surely better than hospital gowns.

Bag packed, he left for the clinic, actively telling himself to remain calm and that nothing would be accomplished by driving like a maniac. It seemed like he had to stop in front of every traffic light between his house and the clinic and they taunted him by being red for an inordinate amount of time

Inside, Bruce was waiting for him. Before Thor could start to question him, he held up a hand to head him off. “He's going to be fine,” were the first words out of Bruce's mouth and Thor let his breath out explosively as his shoulders sagged in relief. “But right now he's still banged up and shocked.”

Thor nodded: he hadn't expected anything else really. Everyone would be shocked when their house burnt down along with all their possessions. “Can I go and see him?” he asked.

Bruce shrugged a shoulder. “I gave him something to make him sleep. It should take him at least four more hours to wake up. I definitely would appreciate it if you could talk to him when he does. I can't say for sure yet with the symptoms of the shock still present, but he seemed like he could tip straight into a depression.”

Thor slid a hand into his hair and gave a short tug in frustration. If Loki were to slip into a depression, they would have a hell of a time getting him out of it again. There were no good things to look forward to in his case. He probably didn't have insurance on the apartment either, so none of his things would be replaced. Thor would have gladly given him anything he would need of course, but he didn't know if Loki would accept it after their fight. He hadn't come back after all, so he had to still be angry. Or horrified, or any of the other emotions that had played over Loki's face before he had fled. Thor sighed, tugged his hair again and then used the same hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, I'll talk to him, no problem.”

Bruce looked at him a moment more, brown eyes searching for any trace of discomfort in his friend, but apparently he was satisfied with what he found. He patted Thor on the shoulder and left to see to his next patient. Thor walked into the other direction, where Clint pointed him to the right room, for once without a joke to go along with it.

Loki had been given a room to himself for now, probably to save him the discomfort of an unknown and maybe nosy neighbor. He looked small to Thor, lying there unconscious and bandaged. A drip lead to his left arm, fluids going in to make sure he didn't go into shock Thor pursed his lips for a moment, reminding himself it could have been worse. He put the clothes he had with him in Loki's closet and then settled on the chair beside the bed to wait, knowing he was far too distracted to make himself useful in another way while he waited.

It took Loki four hours and a half to wake up and Thor spent the time dozing or reading one of the magazines Clint had brought him along with some coffee and breakfast. Loki's hiss of discomfort as he started to wake up caught his attention so he put down the article he was trying to read and scooted his chair back from the bed a bit to appear less threatening.

Bleary green eyes opened and took in the room before sliding side-ways and coming to rest on Thor. Loki's shoulders sagged even more when he recognized him, but Thor knew it wasn't from relief. It looked more like Loki was shouldering yet another burden which caused another pang of hurt in Thor's chest.

“I know you probably don't like my being here.” he said, biting through the pain and trying for professional. “Bruce asked me to come and talk to you. How do you feel?”

Loki shrugged and hissed again in pain. “Like there are knives being shoved into my right side.” He looked down at the bandages, then back up at Thor. “How bad is it?”

Thor, who had looked at the medical chart earlier, gave a reassuring smile. “You have first and second degree burns all over your right side. It'll hurt for quite some time I'm afraid, but they should be gone in two weeks if we can keep them infection-free. You'll have to stay here for that period though. We need to treat them several times a day, especially in the beginning.”

Loki nodded, eyes turned down and left hand fiddling with the sheets. “That's alright.” he said, leaving the fact that he had nowhere else to go unmentioned yet tangibly present.

Thor stood up, deciding that until Loki and he had had a chance to talk things through, it was best if they didn't get involved in potentially awkward situations. “I'll go and get Bruce to have another look at your injuries.”

He found the other doctor in the front hall, talking to Steve and Bucky. The two cops nodded at Thor when he came closer and Bucky asked: “He's awake then?”

“Yeah, I was just coming to ask Bruce if he wanted a second look at those burns.”

Bruce nodded: “It's probably best to re-wrap them anyway, keep them as clean as possible. If you don't need me anymore?” he asked Steve.

“No, that's fine.” the blond said, “We were finished here anyway.”

When Bruce had gone, Thor asked the question that had been burning in his mind since Sif had called him. “How did it happen?”

Bucky shrugged. “Loki wasn't at home when the fire started. We're thinking electrical malfunction: you know how those old buildings are. Never up to regulation when it comes to electricity and gass. Sometimes I'm surprised this doesn't happen every week. Forensics is still examining, but it's mostly because the rules say they have to. We'll let you know what they found.” He was silent for a moment, then said: “Bruce says he's going to be alright...”

Thor nodded. “Provided there are no complications, he should be good as new in 2 weeks.”

“That's a relief.” Steve said. “Any idea what he'll do afterwards? I don't think he'll be allowed to rent another apartment there.”

Thor shook his head. “Even if he were allowed, he couldn't afford it. We'll have to look for another solution.”

The cops nodded, they shook hands and Steve said they would be by the next day to ask Loki some questions to wind up the investigation. Thor got dressed for his own shift, starting a little early now that he had seen Loki and convinced himself that the other was indeed as well as he could be. He would check on his again during his breaks and before he went home. They really needed to talk, but he would prefer it if they could do so when Loki was a little less doped up on medication.


	24. A chance for a new beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel.

Loki spent a week in bed while he could hardly move from the pain his burns caused him. The pain medication kept the levels bearable if he stayed still, but the least movement he made would drag at the damaged skin and send stabs of pain along his right side and straight into his brain.

After that first week, the amount of painkillers was decreased as his body continued to repair itself at what Dr. Banner told him was a good rate, but to Loki felt glacially slow. His bandages were replaced often, the wounds cleaned of old ointment and dead tissue before being carefully re-wrapped.

Thor had come to see him at least once a day, but their conversations were superficial. Loki felt like he should say something; should apologize, at least, for running away. The words wouldn't come, partially because of the way his mind tended to float because of the drugs and partially because he was ashamed of his behavior.

Bucky and Steve had come to take his statement on the second day. By then forensics had found that the fire's origin wasn't accidental. The source had in fact been Loki's mattress and such things didn't spontaneously combust unless they had a little something to help them along. Loki had still wanted to hold back on telling them about Amora and Lorelei, fearing retribution of a more physical nature. That and he would have to reveal the nature of his 'employment'.

Steve seemed to sense his hesitance and guessed correctly where it could come from. He promised him protection for himself and anyone else that might have been threatened. He also promised Loki he wouldn't be prosecuted for prostitution if he gave him the names of the perpetrators. That was all it took for Loki to spill the entire story of how the two women had tried to intimidate him into letting go of a wealthy friend who they thought was a client (that he did not name) and how Loki had circumvented that by 'meeting the friend someplace else'. Amora and Lorelei had found out about his deception and had burned his apartment down, end of story.

Bucky and Steve did not insist on a name for the friend, but Loki had a feeling it was because they had already figured it out, rather than the fact they thought he wouldn't come out and say it. They did ask him to describe Amora and Lorelei in detail as well as all the things he had heard about their drug-dealing associates. After that they wished him a speedy recovery and told him they would be back with a printed version of his statement for him to sign.

Although Loki didn't really have any expectations of them being able to bring his two nemesises to justice, he did feel better about having told the story to someone. He felt so much better in fact, that, once he was lucid enough to realize it, he decided that he would tell Thor the parts of the truth he had kept from him in his previous retelling. It wouldn't make everything alright, but maybe it could explain why Loki had run away from him that Friday.

And so on Wednesday of the second week of his stay, when Thor brought him his lunch and asked how he was, Loki took a deep breath and asked Thor to sit down with him. Thor arched an eyebrow in question, but took a seat in the visitor's chair easily enough.

Loki said nothing for a few moments, nervously plucking at one of the t-shirt Thor had given him to replace his own destroyed wardrobe. The doctor didn't push him to speak, probably knowing how hard it was for him to even ask for the conversation both knew was necessary.

“I'm sorry, “ Loki said, speaking the words haltingly since he was still not entirely sure what he was going to say. “I shouldn't have ran away when you told me how you felt. I panicked, but that's no excuse. You've always been kind to me and I should have known better than to think you were just biding your time before you made your move.”

Thor was quiet for a time and Loki fell his shoulders drop: he had gone too far, Thor wouldn't forgive him. And why would he? He had a choice of much better people to take for friends instead of a cheap, ungrateful whore who...

“Apology accepted.” Thor said, “Though only if you'll accept mine as well. I could have made my feelings clear from the beginning or at least waited for a better time to confess to them. I knew you'd have trouble believing me, although I didn't mean to make you panic like that.”

Thor shifted in his seat a little, his eyes still conveyed some of the heartache they had shown when Loki had left him standing in his office. “I told you the truth, though: I love you as more than a friend. And I happen to think you're a gorgeous person, both outside and in. I don't think that friend and lover have to be mutually exclusive terms. I know that has never been your experience,” Thor said, holding up a hand when he saw Loki looked ready to protest, “but I believe we can make it work. I'm perfectly willing to wait until you feel you trust me enough to move from friendship to love.”

Loki looked at Thor, who looked straight back with a hopeful expression. It hurt to have to be the one that killed Thor's dream, but Loki owed him the truth. “I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.”

Thor licked his lips and nodded. “I understand. And I don't want you to feel like you have to be ready for it soon or even some day in the future. I just want to give us a chance.”

“Because you love me.” Loki said, and at Thor's nod he continued. “But that's at least half of the problem. Because when I hear the word 'love' all I can think of is my father and how he used it to make me do things I didn't want.”

“What kind of things?” Thor asked. His normally calm voice shook and Loki could see some sick kind of realization dawning in his eyes.

“I told you he had a gambling problem.” Loki started. He waited for Thor to confirm it with a nod before pushing on. “He racked up a lot of debts, debts he had no way of repaying with the salary he got from his work. It wouldn't have been such a problem if he hadn't played with the wrong sort of people. They promised him he could pay the money back later, but he didn't have it by that date, didn't even have the interest.”

“They – they came to our house when I was 14, demanding their money. Father couldn't pay them and they weren't interested in giving him more time to raise the funds.” He still remembered every detail of that fateful day, trembling slightly as the leer of his rapist flashed before his eyes. “They argued and I heard the raised voices and went to see what was going on. As soon as they saw me, they decided on a … different form of payment.”

He had to pause to wipe at his eyes, that had started to get wet. There weren't any real tears yet, but it would only be a matter of time. “One of them made me suck his cock, “ he confessed, breath hitching on the last syllable.

Thor grabbed his hand and squeezed. “You don't have to talk about it,” he said, “not if you don''t want to. I shouldn't have asked.” There were tears in the doctor's eyes as well and Loki knew he was speaking the truth: if it was too much for him to bare, Thor would let it rest and never bring it back up.

And that was why he knew that he should tell him. If there was ever going to be a person he trusted enough to tell his deepest, darkest secrets to, it was Thor. He took another shuddering breath. “No, I want you to know this.” He flicked his own eyes up to meet Thor's so he could better make his point, “I trust you with this.” Their gazes held for a moment until Thor nodded and Loki looked back down at the sheets pooling in his lap.

“Things got better after that and I thought..., I felt sure my dad had not meant to let it come so far, that he hadn't meant for me to get involved. He didn't hit me or yell at me for months. And then one night that same man came back for another 'payment'. And when I protested, he beat the hell out of me and had me do it anyway.”

“It became a common thing after that: every two weeks at least someone would come up to my room and fuck me. Some were gentle, most were either stoned, drunk or wanted to hear me scream.” His breath stuttered in and out now, emotions getting the best of him. “It lasted for more than two years, up until my father died and all that time he swore that he loved me and that I should love him too, because he fed me and put a roof over my head and payed for school. So that's what love is for me: being used and told it's for your own good.”

The hand around his own was nearly painfully tight by the end of Loki's story and Thor's shoulders were shaking when Loki dared to look at him again. His other hand was clasped over his mouth and tears were leaking from his eyes. “I'm sorry.” he said, though what exactly he was apologizing for Loki wasn't sure. “I'm sorry you had to go through all that, Loki, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, least off all you, who had done nothing to deserve it. But you can't call that love. Love is something selfless and pure, what your father did...that's blackmail.”

Loki swallowed and brought up a hand to quickly wipe away his own tears. He must look a real mess if Thor's appearance was anything to go by. They were both quiet as they tried to compose themselves again, the only sound that of little sniffs and blown noses.

“What do we do now?” Loki asked. He didn't think that Thor would abandon him now that he knew the truth about him, but there remained that little voice in his head that always told him he would never be allowed to be truly happy.

“I wanted to ask you to come and live with me.” Thor said, “Before I said I loved you. When you ran away, I was sure you wouldn't even if we managed to talk things through. But now the situation has changed again, so if you want I can clear out the second bedroom for you. No string attached.”

“I can't pay you for it,” Loki protested, “I didn't have a lot of savings and they all burned along with everything else. And your books...” He broke off and swallowed hard, blinking a few times to keep new tears at bay. “I can't even work the strip anymore, Amora and Lorelei would just become nastier.”

“You can work here.” Thor said swiftly. “Coulson would be more than happy with your help, as would the people at the front desk. I know the clinic can't pay you, but I could.”

Loki bit his lip and thought about it. He couldn't deny that the prospect of having a safe place to sleep appealed to him, as did the fact that he wouldn't have to worry about paying rent or having food enough to last until his next client. The idea of never having to go out onto the street to work again seemed almost like a dream: far too good to possibly be true.

On the other hand: he would be totally dependent on Thor, just like he had been totally dependent on his father. The absurdity of comparing the two was sobering: he trusted Thor. Trusted him to not take advantage of him, to not force him into doing things that he didn't want to. The doctor had proved time and time again that he was patient and willing to go out of his way to make things easier on Loki, whether Loki felt deserving of such kindness or not.

And he believed Thor when he said that he would give Loki all the time he needed before taking the next step in their relationship. He had never tried anything more than giving him pats on the shoulder or hugging him. He had as good as promised not to go any further until Loki gave him the okay and to Thor, promises meant something.

He looked at Thor, who looked right back, eyes still slightly red-rimmed after all the crying he had done for Loki and the decision was made. “I would be honored to be your roommate.” The slightest twinge of doubt far at the back of his heart was very much worth seeing Thor's face nearly split apart with the size of his grin.

 


	25. The road to health is long and winding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still don't own these characters, they all belong to Marvel.

Since Bruce had estimated Loki would be ready to be released after the weekend, Thor had a very limited time to make his penthouse ready for it's new guest. Because right at this moment, the second bedroom was buried beneath years of health-magazines, dust and whatever else he had seen fit to put in there over time. It would take more than a few hours to clean it enough for a bed to fit in.

The desk that resided somewhere beneath the piles of paper could stay if he relocated it to stand underneath the window and most of the bookcases could stay as well, though they would be freed of the medical content they now held and filled anew with books that were more to Loki's liking. Thor had already ordered a bed at a nearby store: it would be delivered the next morning and he planned to have the necessary space cleared out by then.

And that's how Friday afternoon found him at home, rather than at the clinic, armed with several cleaning implements and a bag for the trash. He put the magazines in boxes, storing them in the laundry room for the time being. Several paintings his mother had tried to sell him on would go to the clinic to liven up the hallways.

More and more of the floor became visible while he worked and by the time his stomach informed him it was time to have some food, the largest part of the job was behind him. He rang to order pizza, too tired to do anything but sink down into the couch in the living room and deciding he had earned a treat.

As usual when he had nothing to do, his thoughts turned to Loki. The younger man's story had shaken him, even though he had expected something bad. He couldn't imagine going through what Loki had experienced and coming out relatively sane. He couldn't imagine his parents being so unconcerned for his health (both mental and physical) as to use him to pay off debts.

If Loki's father had still been alive, Thor would not have been held accountable for his actions against the man. Now he had to content himself with thinking up all kinds of satisfyingly painful ways in which Laufey could have died.

Not that he was feeling particularly vengeful or anything.

Pizza came and disappeared and Thor fell asleep on the couch while watching the news, only to be woken the next morning by the doorbell and the delivery of the new bed. He showed the men where it should be and left them to it in favor of a shower and breakfast. By the time the frame was made and the mattress added, Thor felt like a real person again. The room looked nice, even though he said so himself, all in warm brown, and he hoped Loki would feel comfortable and safe in it.

According to Bruce, safety was a top priority, since he thought Loki might be exhibiting some signs of PTSD that they had previously been hidden by the numbing effects of the painkillers. Even though Thor's area of expertise wasn't psychology, he wouldn't be surprised if Loki developed such a thing: he'd gone through his fair share of trauma and the burning of his apartment could have triggered the condition if it had lain dormant while Loki fought to keep his head above water. It was like the soldiers who did what they had to do while on mission and then crashed when they came back home. Thor had asked Dr. Strange to have a talk with Loki earlier in the week. Stephen worked with veterans in the clinic he was associated with and would have a better idea of what he was looking for.

Thor packed up and left for the clinic, hoping to catch his colleague before he left for the day. The drive was calm outside of the rush-hour, but still Strange had already left when he got there. It seemed he had briefed Sif on his findings, because she took him apart when she had finished with the patient she had been helping.

“You missed Stephen by half an hour,” she said as she finished her own shift, taking a drink from her watter bottle, “He saw the same signs that Bruce did, unfortunately. Jumpiness when talked to by someone he doesn't know, never taking his eyes of a stranger like he needs to know where that person is every moment. He thinks it's PTSD with probably a small depression mixed in. Apparently from what you've told him, Loki's had a few triggers in the family violence and sexual trauma departments. This latest disaster just tipped the scales for him.” Sif's mouth pulled to the side, a sure sign she was angry that anyone should have to suffer through such things.

“Did he say anything about what we could do to help him?” Thor asked.

“There are a few techniques, but Loki would be better served if he were diagnosed by a specialist and could work with him until he knows what to do himself. He could also have the right type of drugs prescribed.”

Thor was silent for a while, debating the chances of getting Loki to see another doctor and telling a stranger his story when it had taken Thor months to get to the core of the problem. “Did he recommend someone?” he asked Sif.

She gave a decisive nod and fished a business card from her back-pocket. “A psychiatrist named Charles Xavier. His practice is somewhat of a drive, but Stephen said he's the best and well worth it.”

Thor took the card, letting it disappear into the pocket of his jacket. “We haven't told Loki yet.” Sif continued with a glance at his reaction, “We thought it would be better coming from you.”

Thor sighed. “You're probably right. I just wish I could bring him some good news for once.”

Sif gave him a 'don't start'- look. “You invited him into your home so he can have a roof above his head. I'd say that's pretty good news.”

“Yeah, I guess it is. Still, it isn't his own place and he was so proud of being able to pay the rent for himself.”

“Well, he could see it as a stepping stone.” Sif said, polishing off her water and starting to pack her things, “He could save up from what you'd be paying him and if he really wants to he could find a place of his own when he has enough.” Thor nodded thoughtfully: even though he knew it would be good for Loki to be able to stand on his own legs again in the future with something he had built for himself, it still hurt that he would have to let him go where he couldn't protect him.

He walked Sif out, thanking her for all her help and counsel. He watched to make sure she got safely in her car: it was a rough neighborhood after all, even though Sif would scoff at the possibility that she needed protection from anyone.

He went to see Loki afterwards, finding him with Clint who was reapplying the bandages to his right arm. The nurse greeted him lightly and Loki gave him a small smile. The burns looked much improved, the blisters died down to nearly nothing and the skin no longer such an angry red, though some discoloration remained. Clint carefully spread the ointment over them before re-wrapping with clean bandages. Soon they would forgo the bandages altogether and Loki could wear loose clothes in silk or soft cotton to cover them up.

“So,” Clint said, while tucking the last edge away, “just three more times and then you'll be rid of that whole process.” He grinned as he saw the look of relief on Loki's face, nodded at Thor and wisely left them alone.

“Hey,” Thor said as he took up place in the seat Clint had vacated.

“Hi,” Loki returned, shifting his right arm to see how much the movement still pulled at the healing skin. He seemed content with his current rate of healing if the smile that fleetingly graced his lips was anything to go by.

“Your bed arrived this morning,” Thor said, opting for a conversation-opener that was neutral bus also meant to assure Loki further of Thor's determination to give him his own place when he would be released.

Loki fidgeted a moment before answering: “I could have slept on the couch.”

Thor shook his head slightly. “Nobody heals properly when they sleep on a couch.” He protested. Loki was silent in response and Thor decided to just get it over with. “You talked to Stephen.”

“He was nice.” Loki said. “We talked about what I was going to do when I was released.”

“What did you tell him?” Thor asked, unable to fully hide his own curiosity at Loki's plans for the future.

“That I would live with you and work at the clinic.” Loki said.

Thor waited, but there didn't seem to be anything Loki wanted to add to his previous statement. “Did you tell him you wanted to save for a place of your own again?” he asked.

Loki gave a shrug off his left shoulder. “I didn't think it' would be a realistic possibility, so I left it out.”

That...wasn't good. Thor may not be a psychiatrist, but he knew that a failure to see the future in any kind of positive light was a red flag in the depression-department. “I'll pay you,” Thor reminded him, “You'll have the necessary funds in half a year if you want.”

“Nobody wants to rent an apartment to a whore.” Loki said, the last word coming out twisted with self-disgust.

“Loki!” Thor said, so surprised by the conviction in the other's tone that he spoke perhaps louder than he should have and the dark haired man flinched away from him slightly. Thor took a quick breath to bring his volume back under control. “You have done what you needed to survive. No-one has the right to judge you for that. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to know about it, and you don't have to go back to that life either.”

The younger man still didn't look entirely convinced, but he didn't argue the point either and Thor was willing to count that as a small victory. Maybe Loki would be able to place this melancholy better if he knew his brain was playing tricks on him. Thor leaned forward and tried to project an aura of calm confidence.

“I asked Dr. Strange to talk to you because I wanted a second opinion on something.” He started. “He and Bruce both think you might be suffering from PTSD and depression.”

Loki looked at him, brow furrowed in confusion. “I thought that was something for soldiers.”

“It's been much more discussed with soldiers, but any one can get it. Especially people who've had a violent home when they were younger and have been the victim of sexual trauma. The fire and loosing everything brought it to the front.”

“So, I'm mental now too.” Loki surmised. He was back to the self-loathing and Thor was quick to correct him.

“You might have a perfectly understandable psychological condition that is treatable. The depression is playing tricks on your mind as well, making everything seem worse than it is. Strange suggested you see a psychiatrist who can help you while you work through this.”

Loki nodded, but there was no enthusiasm in it, just a defeated sort of acceptance. Thor sighed and gave Loki's unhurt hand a comforting pat, hoping that things would become better for Loki sooner rather than later.


	26. Starting over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: these characters all belong to Marvel.

Living in Thor's penthouse was still a vastly different thing than just visiting there, even if he had spent the night several times. He had his own room for one, with more furniture and nick-knacks than he had ever owned. And book-cases filled with every genre imaginable. Thor said his mother had gone to a few second-hand stores and since she hadn't known what Loki's favourites might be, had just decided to grab some of every category as a 'glad you're better'-gift.

There were green curtains and sheets and a gorgeous wooden floor that felt smooth and warm on his bare feet. The closets already held some clothes when he went to place the few outfits he'd had in the hospital in them. Most of them were of a light fabric so as not to irritate his burns and they felt pleasant as he stroked his fingers over them. None of them were new, but that didn't bother him. At least this way it didn't feel quite as much as charity. And he wouldn't have been able to stomach having clothes that cost as much as his normal food-budget for half a year.

Thor had taken a few days off to help him settle in. He didn't encroach on Loki's new space though and usually left him alone unless asked otherwise, willing to wait until Loki was ready for company. His effort was appreciated and knowing that Thor was around somewhere seemed to make the new space less threatening.

They did spend time together, Thor watching tv or reading some magazine as Loki worked his way through whatever book he had come across first. Sometime they just sat and talked. Other times Thor would teach Loki how to cook, or use the computer, or any of the other things he needed to know if he wanted to work at the clinic. It was both rehabilitation and an effort to lighten the uninterested mood that had gripped him.

Loki also practiced writing. One of the books on his shelves was about calligraphy and in it was a chapter on Carolingian minuscules which he copied painstakingly onto paper. He sat at the kitchen table while doing so with Thor going back and forth between the stove where he was making spaghetti sauce and the table to look at Loki's progress. It reminded him of the time when he was small and he would do his homework while his mother cooked and chattered on the phone. It was one of the few happy memories of his childhood and now it was one of the first of his new life. It was fitting somehow and he was almost content to spend the afternoon like that.

Monday evening saw them in the car and driving to one of the city's suburbs. Thor had managed to get a hold of Dr Xavier's office and had wheedled his way into getting an appointment without having to wait for months. The good doctor lived in an honest-to-God mansion, a wrought-iron gate opened to let them in after Thor had given Loki's name at the intercom.

The inside of the building matched the outside in splendor, though it wasn't anything flashy like Loki had feared. Thor gave him an encouraging smile when the secretary came to get him, but he still felt his shoulders tense up. He knew it was Xavier's job to get him to talk, judge his condition and see how they could improve it. And he wanted to improve it! He was tired of the nightmares that made him wake up with the beginnings of a scream in his throat which he had to hastily muffle to keep from waking Thor. He looked in those books more because he made himself than that they really interested him. They were a good way to keep from thinking about everything he had lost and how he would ever get his feet back under him. Thor made it sound easy when he spoke of earning money, but he probably wouldn't be willing to pay him forever. And the chance of finding a real, paying job was simply unthinkable.

The secretary showed him into a room with a desk and a comfortable couch. Bookshelves lined some of the space along the walls and a plush carpet lay on the floor. Behind the desk sat a bald, older man with a serene smile.

“Welcome,” the man said, and his voice sounded like he meant it. He extended his hand for Loki to shake, but did not stand up while doing so. It came across as odd until he moved closer to accept the social ritual and saw that the chair the psychiatrist was sitting in was actually a wheelchair. The professor only smiled when he saw Loki's eyes widen. “We all have our scars.” he said, “For some of us they are just more visible than for others.” He made an inviting gesture towards the other chair and Loki let himself slide onto it.

“I understand that Doctors Odinson and Strange thought it would be better for you to talk to a psychiatrist instead of meeting with a support-group. They indicated that you had an abusive childhood and were the victim of sexual abuse later. Your apartment has recently burned down as well, destroying all of your property.” Charles checked something on his computer and then turned to Loki. “Was there something you would like to add to that? And please bare in mind that I'm not here to judge you or report you to the police. If I want to help you, it's necessary for me to have all the facts, otherwise I might do more harm than good.”

Loki chewed on his lip. Dr Xavier's words sounded logical and Thor had already told him that everything he told the other man would be in confidence. Logically, he knew that Doctor Xavier was right: if Loki wasn't prepared to talk, these sessions would never amount to anything. But it seemed awfully unfair that he would have to relive all that abuse both awake and asleep. He took a deep breath and let it slide back out. Unfair or not, he owed it to Thor, who probably owed some favors to get Loki an appointment and who was paying for it.

“I've been addicted to alcohol for a time.” he confessed, “And I've been homeless before, after I ran away from my foster family.” The doctor nodded and wrote a few things down on the paper in front of him, but didn't comment otherwise. Not even a slight tightening of the mouth in disgust. Loki felt something inside him unwind just a little

“What we are going to do in these sessions is called cognitive therapy.” Xavier explained. “It means we're going to have a look at your thought-process and try to steer it along less upsetting paths. It has proven successful in helping people with depression and PTSD. It involves looking at your thoughts, discovering which ones are untrue and harmful and turning them into more realistic thoughts.”

“We're also going to have to work on what therapists call exposure. It means we'll have to place you in situations that cause you anxiety and help you to get used to them in small steps. You'll always be in control of these steps and we won't move on until you say you're ready for it. The idea is to gradually allow you to face those situations, not to force them on you.”

Face those situations? Loki was afraid of rape, did that mean he'd have to have sex to be declared healthy again? That didn't sound logical to him.

“I know this goes against what your mind tells you to do: avoid these situations to spare yourself stress. You're stressed right now, just thinking about it: you've shifted away from me because my words make you feel anxious and your arms have come up to cross your chest in an attempt to put distance between yourself and the subject at hand.”

Loki blushed faintly, but refused to change his posture. “I don't see how having sex will make me better.” he muttered, gritting his teeth against the ghost-feeling of hands on his body.

“It won't,” Xavier conceded, “because I don't think that sex is the real problem. No-on enjoys being forced to sell their body for money. And even if you could get used to it, it wouldn't be a healthy situation. You're not supposed to be anything but anxious when you're in a situation like that, so that's not what we're here to treat.”

“It's not?” Loki asked, feeling somewhat out of his depth.

“No, it isn't. We'll talk about it, of course, so you can have some closure, but I don't think your vision on it needs to change. I've talked to Doctor Odinson when he asked me for the appointment. It isn't a perfect diagnostic tool and I'd have to talk to you a few times before having a complete view of your problems, but I think the main issue is intimacy.”

“Intimacy?”

“Yes. Allowing other people to get to know you in varying degrees of closeness from simple friendship to a romantic relationship. Our ability to do so is closely linked to our ability to put trust in others. I understand that because of your experiences this is very difficult for you. I'm not asking you to trust anyone blindly, but more to entertain the possibility that there are good people out there and their number far exceeds that of those that would want to hurt you.”

Loki tensed further in his chair. It just wasn't true, he had met loads of people who only thought about themselves and damn the consequences to others and only a handful of people who truly cared...

“Will you tell me what you are thinking right now?” Xavier interrupted him.

Loki hesitated a moment. He couldn't just call the other a liar. “It's just..” he started slowly, “I can't count the times someone's taken advantage of me, but I can count on the fingers of one hand the people who helped me.”

Xavier made a humming noise that seemed to mean nothing more than that he was listening, neither agreeing or disagreeing with what he heard. Meanwhile he made a few more notes on his paper before asking. “And do you think this is a good representation of the population?”

“Excuse me?” Loki asked. He'd expected Xavier to tell him he was wrong, or just imagining things, not to ask him about representation of certain categories of people in the entire population.

“Do you think that the circles you were forced to dwell in would have a larger percentage of people willing to take advantage of others?” As he saw the frown on Loki's face, he appended. “I'd like you to think about it a little before our next session. I'd also like you to make a list of things that make you feel anxious. We'll go over it the next time and see if we can find ways to help you with them. You can ask a friend to help you with it, if you'd like, but make sure it's what you think and not what they want you to think.”

They said goodbye and Loki walked back to the waiting room, head abuzz with all the things he had heard. Thor looked up from his book as he entered, flipping it closed and standing up. The only other person in the waiting room was a man perhaps 5 years Loki's senior who gave him a quick nod of encouragement and then looked back down at the paper in his lap.

“Ready to go?” Thor asked.

“Yeah.” he said and they walked back to where Thor had parked the car on the gravel in front of the house.

The ride home was silent but for the background noise of the stereo. The green in the landscape slowly started to make way for the grays, reds and browns of the city-buildings. Loki wondered if he was expected to talk about his session. He cut several glances at Thor from the corners of his eyes, but he must have been more obvious about it than he thought...or Thor was struggling with the same question because he was the one that spoke first.

“You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Those sessions are private for a reason. I just … I mean.. if you ever do want to talk...about anything... I'll be there, alright?”

Loki looked at him for a moment, thinking how much better the world would be if only the percentage of people like Thor were higher. “Alright.” he said and though silence returned to the car after that, it no longer felt uncomfortable.


	27. Fearful ladders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: none of these characters are mine, they belong to Marvel.
> 
> Also: if there are more typos, I'm very sorry. I'm working on my secondary pc and it's keyboard is driving me mad :(

Living with Loki was harder than Thor had thought it would be when he made his proposal. In his mind he had seen visions of companionship, eating and talking together, spending their free time discussing the clinic, or Loki's future (preferably with Thor himself) or any of a hundred other subjects.

Instead, Loki had taken to spending a large amount of time hidden away in his room. A room Thor was reluctant to enter, since Doctor Xavier had impressed on him the need for Loki to have a safe place where he could work through his problems without being disturbed or had to worry about someone else's feelings.

Which wasn't to say that Loki was purposely excluding Thor from a mayor part of his healing, so much as he was trying to protect him from his sometimes volatile temper. Thor had researched PTSD since making Loki's appointment and had found that sudden outbursts of anger were a part of the symptoms of the affliction. Yet when they had sat together at the table eating lunch some days ago and Thor had said something silly, Loki had shot out of his chair with a biting comment.

Thor had looked up at him more in shock than that his feelings had been hurt and Loki's eyes had become huge. The younger man had clapped a hand in front of his mouth, taking a step away from the table as he did so.

“I didn't mean that,” he had choked out in the same moment that Thor had said “It's alright.” He didn't even remember now what the fight (if one could even call it that) had been about. But Loki had been really upset by his reaction to what had been a harmless comment and had retreated to his bedroom for the rest of the day... after apologizing profusely.

Since then, the younger man went to his room each time he felt he wasn't able to control himself like he was used to. Thor had told him he understood that Loki felt angry sometimes and that he wouldn't take anything he said at a time like that to heart, but the other had shaken his head and said he would rather prevent the outbursts from happening than risk causing him pain.

It was a very nice sentiment, but it often left Thor suddenly sitting alone watching as Loki beat a hasty retreat until he felt emotionally stable enough to come out again.

Loki didn't talk much about what happened during his sessions. Thor could understand that: he wouldn't want to have to talk so much about such things either, had they happened to him. What he did ask was Thor's help with his 'homework'. It was a good way for him to see how far Loki had already come and be involved in the process without having to rehash the gruesome details. The first piece of work had been to make a chart of all the things Loki was afraid of. Sex had featured rather prominently, but also interacting with strangers where the category of strangers encompassed everyone that wasn't Thor, Bruce, Phil or Doctor Xavier, any mention of his life with his father, becoming an alcoholic again and turning out to be useless in the clinic. (Thor had wanted to argue with that last one, but after a look at Loki had written it down anyway, figuring it was Loki's list and Loki's fears, no matter how irrational they looked to Thor, who remembered that Loki had already helped out Phil the day he had archived those files.)

Written out like that, the list had seemed almost scarily insurmountable. Loki had groaned and put his head in his hands. Thor hadn't really known what to do: saying it would be alright sounded hypocritical, so he settled for a few pats on the other's shoulder and hoping Doctor Xavier knew what he was doing.

Luckily this turned out to be the case. Loki's next assignment was to create something called a 'fear ladder' for each of the things he had written down before.

“It's a series of steps.” Loki explained on their way home. “Each step is progressively harder to accomplish than the one before it, but once you've done the last one, that fear should be under control.”

“So you could put something like 'go to the library and ask the person at the desk for a certain book' on as one step and 'go to a party where you don't know most of the people and mingle' as another one?” Thor asked, wanting to make sure he understood the concept.

“Yes,” Loki said, though he looked very daunted by the prospect of such tasks, “those are actually really good examples. I think we should definitely use the library one.” He seemed to think for a while and said. “Maybe we could use the party one in a different way. Like we could go to a café or some place they serve alcohol and I could get used to being around people who drink without feeling like I should join in or be afraid of them.”

“Yeah,” Thor said, “that could work. And I know just the place for it: a little classier and mostly filled with people who just want to relax a little.”

“That sounds...alright” Loki agreed, but Thor could see that the idea was still making him nervous.

He stayed nervous for the entire week too, spending the time until the next therapy-session in a state of hyper-alertness that was almost painful to watch. Thor had originally planned to take him to the clinic with him, if only for a day, but he scratched the plan after seeing Loki at breakfast the second day. The younger man's eyes were bloodshot and the dark smudges were making the green of his pupils stand out even more. Every unexpected sound or movement made him flinch and he stayed barely long enough to wolf down a sandwich before he disappeared into his room again.

Yet, nightmares and jumpiness were not enough to make Loki give up on his given task and so Thor joined him on the couch a day before the next appointment with Doctor Xavier and helped him write out the lists.

“You do know that I'm ridiculously proud of you, right?” he asked Loki while he wrote the bar step down on the alcoholics-list.

Loki looked at him as if Thor were somewhat mentally-impaired and what he had just said would make sense only in Thor's own mind.

“I mean it.” Thor said, catching Loki's eye to give weight to his statement. “No many people would be able to make these,” he waved the papers in his hand once, “despite the way they make them feel.”

“Every one that has this sort of therapy makes them.” Loki said, frowning. “No steps, no healing.” He looked down at his hands, wringing them with a sad tilt to his lips. “Most people only give up on the actually executing them, not on the writing down. Doctor Xavier says there are people who can't get over a particular step, not even if they take smaller steps in between.”

“I...” Thor said, but Loki spoke over him, desperate and rushed.

“I don't want to be stuck like that, never getting better. Never getting out of this … this half-life, this Limbo of fear and sadness and other people dictating my life.” He looked at Thor, urgency in his eyes. “I want to have a real life, even if to get there, I have to walk over what feels like a fraying rope bridge spanning a river filled with crocodiles.”

Thor couldn't do anything but gape at him for quite some time. He had never heard Loki speak so eloquently. It almost sounded like poetry. “That was beautiful.” he said, for lack of another thought coming to mind.

“I do read, you known.” Loki said with something approaching a smile before sobering just as fast. “I used to love Shakespeare.” he admitted, “It was my last real interest in school, even when I couldn't dredge up the effort for any other class, English remained the only course I passed.”

“So how about we make that one of your rewards?” Thor asked, “You know, for when you pass a step you think will be particularly bad? I'll get us tickets to whatever Shakespeare-performance in town that you would like to see.”

“You would?” Loki asked, looking at him with something akin to wonder in his eyes, “A real play?”

“Yes, a real play, in a real theater. You just name the time and place.”

Loki smiled that gone-before-you-know-it smile again and concentrated harder on his ladders. Thor smiled back. He remained amazed at how easy it was to please Loki: even the best tickets for really popular shows weren't such a big thing everything considered and it wasn't like Thor couldn't appreciate the classics so going wouldn't be a hardship for him.

Thor had his own difficult time when it came to making the list to conquer the issues of a more...carnal nature. Even if Thor had put himself squarely in Loki's friends category until the other was ready for more, he couldn't help but take special interest in this list. He wanted to put stuff on this list. Things like 'let Thor hold me while I sleep' and 'let Thor worship me with kisses everywhere', but he knew that wasn't just aiming high, it was hitting some things that were pretty uncomfortable for Loki. And the purpose of the whole ladder was to let Loki break this up into manageable pieces so he could work his way through them without feeling pressured or rushed. Not to mention that the things he dreamed about probably figured in Loki's nightmares. So he kept his opinion carefully to himself and only noted down the suggestions the other man made.

He was therefore rather surprised when Loki came back to the waiting room after his session that Friday, saying that Doctor Xavier wanted to talk to him before they left. He found the psychiatrist sitting behind his desk, making notes on a paper in front of him and announced himself by tapping on the door frame. “You wanted to talk too me?”

“Thor Odinson, I presume.” the man said while looking up and gesturing to the chair in front of him, which Thor took. “Loki told me you helped him make his step-lists.”

“Yes.” Thor admitted, “I tried to keep my own opinions out of it, though..”

“Oh, yes, you did a very admirable job at it. I didn't ask you here to scold you about it, if that's what you thought.” he said and there was twinkle of something like playfulness in his eyes. “I merely wanted to make sure you know what you'll be getting yourself into if by agreeing to help Loki with his problems with sex.”

Thor felt himself blush slightly at the bluntness of the statement, but nodded nevertheless. “I love Loki, like a friend and hopefully someday as a boyfriend, but that last is entirely up to him. I'd do anything to help him.”

“I'm not doubting your intentions, Mr. Odinson” Charles said, putting down his pen and folding his hands on his desk. “In fact, I think you have proven that love many times already. Loki speaks very highly of you and he trusts you, which makes you the perfect person for this list. However, it is a role that will be very demanding. You can't put your feelings over his even for a second when working on these steps. You have to remember the entire time that no matter how good it feels for you, Loki will be struggling. Are you willing to stop if you notice him becoming panicked? Are you willing to stop when you're 95% of the way there? If you get it wrong even once, you could irreparably damage the trust he has in you.” Dr Xavier paused a while to let his words register fully. “This will be no walk in the park, Mister Odinson, and even the persons that begin with the best of intentions find it a hard road. There will be a lot of frustration and, I'm willing to bet, a lot of cold showers. Think about it for a week, and if you're still willing to help next week, I'll discuss how we'll tackle that particular list with Loki.”

Thor swallowed hard before getting up and shaking the doctor's hand. “Thank you.” he said, voice a little strained, “I'll do that.” He left the office and picked up Loki from the waiting room where he and the young man that had the time-slot after Loki were throwing covert glances at each other. Thor thought it was likely that they both had some of the same problems if their near-identical treatment of each other was any indication.

Loki stood up as soon as he saw Thor, raising an eyebrow in question. Probably wondering if they had been talking about him behind his back, Thor figured. He was pretty sure he would think the same if their places had been reversed. “Charles just wanted to go over my role in all this with me.” he told Loki once they were driving back home. “Make sure I know what's expected from me and such.”

“Did he scare you off?” Loki asked, looking a little anxious again.

“It'll take more than that to scare me away from you.” Thor told him truthfully. “You're stuck with me for however long you want me, remember?” He would find the strength to do this he swore.

Somehow, he would.


	28. Step by step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel, I just play with them.

“So,” Thor said, sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table in front of him, “are you ready for this?”

Loki's palm were sweaty and he wiped them on his pants. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm down a little and took his seat next to Thor. “Ready,” he confirmed. Thor pushed the button to start their movie and then simply sat quietly, waiting for him to make the next move.

Loki took a few more breaths, repeating the exercise Dr Xavier had shown him to lessen his anxiety in situations like these. He felt some of the tension bleed out of his muscles and after a moment more, he inched closer to the other man until his side was only a breath away from Thor's right arm.

He could feel the warmth radiating from the older man, being so close to him. He had been closer on other moments, when Thor had hugged him or patted a shoulder or leg. Those were all friendly contacts though and what they would be attempting now was anything but.

Step 2 on Loki's ladder concerning his relationship with Thor read simply: “watch a movie with Thor's arm around Loki's shoulder.” Couples did it all the time: it was the biggest cliché you could have. And it wasn't that Loki was scared that Thor would use their position to pin him down. It was more that the now comfortable zone of friendship was being exchanged for the unfamiliar (and rather threatening) one of a physical relationship.

Thor laughed at something that happened on the screen. He hadn't even looked at Loki yet, giving him all the time he needed to accomplish his 'task'. The man had the patience of a saint. He had been scared that even if Thor had said Loki could take all the time in the world to get better, he hadn't really meant it. But Loki had been going to therapy for a month now and Thor had not once pressured him into moving faster.

He licked his lips and leaned slightly more to his left. Thor took his arm out from between them, but rather than laying it on Loki's shoulder, he placed the limb along the top of the couch. Loki swallowed and let the side of his chest rest against Thor's.

Even the most optimistic description of their positions still couldn't be termed cuddling. Thor's posture was relaxed, but Loki was barely touching him and his spine had stiffened again, making the leaning more awkward than cozy. He closed his eyes and did the breathing exercise again,while reminding himself that nothing bad was going to happen. No-one had ever just held him like this, so flashbacks were unlikely. Thor wouldn't use his superior strength to hurt Loki, nor would he judge him for his problems with intimacy.

He relaxed a little more with each fear he could eliminate from his internal list until finally, he was leaning fully against Thor's side, feeling the slight way it expanded with each breath Thor took. After a minute more, he slowly took hold of Thor's outstretched hand and draped it over his shoulder, feeling the weight and warmth of the attached arm come to rest along his upper back.

It felt different than Loki had expected. Not quite as confining as he thought it would have been. That didn't mean it had suddenly become a favorite position, but Xavier had told him it wouldn't. As with all progress in this kind of therapy, it came only after repeated and prolonged exposure to the things that gave him trouble. His reaction of panic and distaste would become less each time he experienced it because he was replacing bad experiences with better ones.

His heartbeat was still slightly elevated, but nothing that had him feeling like a panic attack was imminent. He focused on the movie instead of on the person beside him, finding it helpful to have a distraction when he began to over-think things. Thor was being very helpful as well, keeping his hand where it was instead of letting it wander.

Sometimes, Loki wished very hard that he could repay Thor like the doctor deserved. That he could reimburse him for all the money the other had given him or at least pay rent now. That his very presence didn't put a strain on Thor's relationship with his mother and father (although to be honest, Frigga didn't seem to mind his living here one bit and was very understanding where his other problems were concerned). That he could accept Thor as his boyfriend and lover without wanting to vomit simply at the thought of the intimacy that implied.

He couldn't right now, not any of it, but it was a another reason to face his problems and overcome them. It gave him something to work towards: a brighter, normal future.

Thor removed his hand as soon as the movie ended and got up to turn the dvd-player off. Loki moved away toward the other end of the couch so that when Thor returned, there was again almost two feet of space between them.

“How are you doing?” Thor asked, sitting back down but now facing Loki instead of the television.

“It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.” he admitted, “It helped that you didn't move at all. Aren't you stiff now?”

Thor shrugged, the movement easy and unbothered. “What's a little stiffness compared to a successful step on your ladder?” he said with a smirk. Loki smiled back at him, not the fake smile he had given clients for years, but the genuine kind that he thought he had forgotten all about until he met Thor and allowed himself to become friends with him. “Are you coming with me to the clinic tomorrow?” the doctor asked.

“Yes”, Loki said. “Coulson said he would have time to put together a job for me by then. I think he wants me to learn to fill in some of the paperwork.”

“That would make sense,” Thor agreed, “It's always better to have a back-up for every person. I know most of them are regulars, but they are still volunteers and do have lives outside of the clinic. And I do believe that Phil is due some vacation. I don't remember him ever being absent for more than a week.”

And it turned out that was exactly what Phil was planning. He sat Loki down in the office the next day and started to explain the intricacies that ruled the world of government-funding. There were forms for seemingly every little thing and Loki despaired ever understanding even half of them. Yet Phil was patient and took him through form after form, letting Loki figure out as much as he could by himself before clarifying the rest.

“I don't understand governments.” Loki said to Thor that evening when they drove back to the latter's apartment.

“Well,” Thor said, putting on the indicator for the turn that would bring them into their street, “If it's any consolation: not many people do.”

“They have so many forms that basically ask for the same things!” Loki sighed, “It would be so much easier to just make it one form.” he handed Thor the badge to enter the garage for their building. “And they could use less words to say the same thing much clearer.”

“Why don't you write them?” Thor suggested, handing the badge back and driving under the raised bar, “I'm sure they could do with an easier form as well, maybe they just don't have the time do develop one and so have to keep using what's there. But if you offer them an alternative...”

Loki nodded, unclasping his seatbelt as Thor turned off the engine. “Maybe I should. But only when I'm certain I understand this one completely.” They headed toward the elevator and he pushed the button for their floor. Thor pulled out his cellphone to turn it on while they moved upwards: it was always off in the clinic and for the drive home. Thor owned a hands-free kit but he still thought it distracted you when you were supposed to keep your mind on the road.

It chimed 5 times after the screen came on and Thor frowned. “They're all from mother.” he said, “I hope it's nothing serious.”

“I'm sure if it was, she would have called the clinic itself.” Loki tried to reassure him despite the nerves that played in his own chest. “Did she leave a voicemail?”

Thor was already holding the device to his ear as he nodded, probably going through the voicemail menu. He wasn't liking what he was hearing though, if the way he went slightly pale was any indication.

“Thor?” Loki asked, feeling throughly concerned now himself. “Did anything happen?”

The blond dropped the hand that was holding the phone to his side, watching as the elevator doors slid open and gave them a good look at the two people standing in front of his apartment. Frigga gave him a look that said she was sorry and that she had tried to warn him.

The other person gave Loki a cursory once-over that made the skin on his back crawl. He was an older man, impeccably dressed in a suit that must have been custom-made and therefore have cost a fortune. Everything about him screamed power and determination, from the way he held himself to the expression on his face, made even more severe by the patch that covered a missing eye.

Loki's scrambling mind recognized him just as Thor stepped forward to put himself between the man and Loki, saying “Hello, father.”


	29. Accusations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: all characters belong to Marvel.

It was probably safe to say that Thor and his father hadn't always seen eye to eye in the past. The best example of their differing priorities in life had been when Thor had declined the position of CEO of his father's company in favour of opening a free clinic to which he donated all of his time. Odin had been livid, threatening to take back the properties he had gifted Thor three years prior (which constituted his only income) and disown him. Thor had accused him of only seeing the material part of life and loving others only when they did as he ordered.

Frigga had spent a month trapped between her husband and son before they calmed down enough to arrive at the stage where they could talk without shouting again. It had taken further months for Odin to admit that Thor was his own person and had every right to do what he wanted. To Thor, it had always felt like Odin was giving him a time-out, waiting until he got tired of this silly 'calling' and either took up a place in the firm or opened his own practice and started to charge people unholy amounts before he even consented to seeing them. Frigga insisted that his father just worried that Thor would spend all his money on others and be left penniless himself.

Even now, 3 years later, the fracture in their relationship was still very noticeable. Thor visited his mother, but mostly at times when he knew Odin to be engaged elsewhere. Thanksgiving and Christmas were tense affairs and his father had never, ever visited at his penthouse.

Yet there he was, obviously straight from his own job, standing larger than life before Thor's door. His mother tried to slip past him so that she could stop anything from getting messy before it even began, but Odin held out a hand and after a look at his face, she subsided.

Thor stayed where he was as well, sheltering Loki with his own body in an instinctual response. He didn't expect any sort of physical attack, but a verbal outburst was not beyond imagining. “Hello, father.” he said, trying not to sound either angry or nervous. It wouldn't do to give the other man the advantage when he didn't even know what this was about. He wondered if Loki had recognized Odin from the pictures in the living room before he had spoken. If Loki had hoped that Odin could become something of a better father-figure to him, it seemed he was likely to be disappointed.

“Thor.” his father answered before turning to look over his shoulder. “So, you're Loki then.”

Thor threw a look over his shoulder, catching Loki's gaze, trying to convey that he hadn't told Odin who he was or that he was staying with him. He couldn't be sure the other understood: Loki was understandably nervous and on edge, but he didn't move back to the elevator, choosing instead to stay close to Thor.

“He is,” Thor finally answered when it became clear Loki wasn't going to.

“And you've taken him in, knowing what kind of person he is?” Odin asked further, his gaze still fixed solely on the man in question.

“And what kind of person would that be, father?” Thor said, the undertone of his voice now carrying a note of warning. If Odin thought he could just come here and criticize Loki without having any idea what the younger man had gone through...

“Someone with ties to drug dealers.” Odin said, “Is that the company you want to associate yourself with, Thor?”

“Odin!” Frigga protested.

Thor's brow furrowed in confusion. “What?” he asked with a small laugh at how preposterous the accusation was. He looked at Loki again, but the other was frowning as well. He had probably expected to have the prostitution-charge used against him, but this was as much a surprise for Loki as it was for Thor. “What are you talking about?”

“Asgard Legal is working with the police department on a case to bring a large ring of pimps and drug dealers to justice. They got the investigation rolling on an accusation of arson. During a search at a house in that case, they found drugs, money and stolen property. When asked after the reason why those people had burned down his house, the arson-victim said there was a conflict between them about a friend of his who they though was one of his regular customers. He wouldn't call this 'friend' by name, so it's not hard to figure the real reason for his silence was in fact that they quarreled over drugs. The lawyers brought it to me when they saw your address as the victims new place of residence.”

“And that is your reason for thinking Loki is friends with drug dealers?” Thor asked incredulously.

“I didn't say 'friends',” his father contradicted waspishly, “I said he had ties to them. Which is dangerous enough as you can see by the fact that they burned down his home. You could be in danger yourself for harboring him.”

“He protected me by leaving out my name.” Thor said, watching with great satisfaction as his father's bushy eyebrows climbed his forehead, “I am that friend, but rather than telling the cops that, he risked sounding unreliable.”

Odin looked back and forth between his son and the man he was still shielding. It looked like the wind had been taken from his sails and he was hesitant about how to proceed. He glanced back at Frigga, who gave him a pointed look that clearly said he had had his chance to listen to her and now he could fix his own mess. “Well, that's very noble of him, but that doesn't change the fact that he isn't the most trustworthy person. His reputation is questionable to say the least.”

Thor's eyes narrowed in anger. How dare his father presume such things? He didn't know Loki at all, yet from the little that was in the file, he had already deemed him untrustworthy and far beneath his notice and, consequently, that of his family. Or was he so concerned about appearances that he feared what his son's association with a former prostitute could mean for the reputation of his firm? Either way, he would not let him speak like that about the man he loved. “What is more questionable, father? Doing what you have to survive or sitting high and mighty at the top of an empire and looking down while those who are less fortunate starve?”

“I...” Odin started, looking like he was working himself back up to the self-righteous rage in which he had started the conversation.

“Enough!” Frigga said, aiming a sharp glare at her husband. Odin wisely closed his mouth. “I have told you you know not nearly enough of the matter to judge it since you were handed that file this afternoon. You have refused to listen to anything I've said, you're refusing to listen to anything Thor says. Yet out of the three of us, we're certainly the ones who know Loki best, whereas all your so-called knowledge comes from a few lines in a file!”

She gentled her voice and took her husband's hand in her own. “I know that you worry about Thor, so do I. We are his parents and it's only natural to want the best for him. But this is not the way to go about it.” She half-turned to Thor and Loki and gave them an apologetic smile. “Why don't we go inside and have a cup of coffee and talk about this like grown-ups?”

Odin nodded and after a moment's hesitation, so did Thor. “You know where everything is, I want to have a word with Loki first.” He said, reaching a hand out, gently squeezing Loki's to show he wasn't angry at him. Frigga nodded and used her spare key to open the door, dragging Odin in with her. Likely his father would get an earful behind the privacy of a closed door.

“Are you alright?” he asked, turning around to look at his friend.

Loki's head was bowed and his eyes seemed to shine a little wetly. “I'm sorry for getting you into a fight with your father.”

“That is his fault and not yours.” Thor said, “Really, he's just using you as an excuse to continue the same argument we've had since I started the free clinic.”

“Money versus people.” Loki surmised.

“Yes,” Thor agreed.

“Only, I don't think it's just money your father is talking about when he says 'money'.” Loki ventured.

Thor frowned lightly, trying to look more interested than harsh. Loki giving his opinions on such personal matters was still new enough that he didn't want to do anything that could be taken as reproval. “What do you mean?”

“Well, from what you've told me it sounds like this firm is a family business and he's hurt that you're not following in his footsteps.” Loki said, eyeing the door to the apartment as if he could see through it to the people within. “And like your mother said: they worry for you because you have no real income and they know there will be a time when they can't take care of you anymore.”

Thor swallowed at the reference to the mortality of his parents. Loki was surprisingly accurate in his assessment of the problem: Asgard was a firm that had been started by Odin's father Bor, whom Thor had never known. His grandfather had planted the seeds and his father had carefully tended them and diversified their interests until it stood firmly rooted against financial and economical crisis. Odin saw it not just as an accomplishment, but as a part of the legacy he would leave to his child. Of course it hurt his feelings when said child had turned his back on so much hard work. But Thor couldn't go against his own heart: he wanted to help people and he couldn't do it stuck in the boardroom of a firm that (like most other firms on that scale) existed to make as much profit as it could.

“You're right,” he said to Loki, “It is a family business, and it will stay in the family: my parent's shares will come to me after their deaths. But I can't stand in my father's place; I have no aptitude for it or any desire to do so. I will stay at my clinic, where I can do what I do best and there will be a manager to do what he does best and lead Asgard into a bright future.” He sighed, “I just hope my father comes to accept that soon instead of letting it drive a wedge between us.”

He looked at the front door and pulled his mouth to the side. “Let's see if we can get him to apologize to you first, though. I think that's the more manageable dream.” He gave Loki a wink. “We should start small and then work our way up, right?”

As he had hoped, Loki gave a little laugh at the reference to his own therapy. It didn't last long but it cleared the air a little. “Are you alright with going in there?” Thor asked, “It's probably going to be tense and hostile.”

Loki thought for a moment and then nodded. “You're there, and Frigga. I trust both of you.” he said, “Besides: he is rather right in thinking that I'm not exactly the best person to be your friend. Most people wouldn't like their children to befriend prostitutes.”

“Most people should learn to let go of their prejudices.” Thor said, sad that Loki still thought so little of himself. “You're the best friend I could ask for. Not everyone would have omitted my name in a police-statement.”

“I didn't want to get you involved.” Loki said, “But I still have, and I'm sorry. I don't think they'll come after you: you're way too high-profile a target and you never did anything to hurt their business.”

“And they won't come after you anymore either, now that they know that I'm backing you. I even think that Steve and Bucky will have most of them rounded up and in custody by now. Maybe they'll come over and thank you for being able to launch such a successful strike.” He gave Loki a swift hug. “My friend the hero.”

“Oh, come off it.” Loki muttered, but he was blushing, “Let's go confront your father before my face explodes.”

Thor laughed and they walked back to the door together.


	30. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they're all property of Marvel.
> 
> My sincere apologies to you all for the tardiness of the last two chapters. I've had some setbacks in real life and have had to (among other things) move my gran into assisted living. To top it off, the final two chapters of the story refused to come chronologically so I had to write the epilogue before chapter 30. So thank you all for your patience and I hope you enjoy these last instalments!

Loki would not lie to himself: he was a little scared of going into Thor's apartment, knowing that there was someone present who wasn't well-disposed towards him. It went against years of survival to put yourself into the range of someone who meant you harm. The fact that the harm would be mental instead of physical didn't make it any easier.

Yet Thor was next to him and Frigga would be there too. He didn't trust Thor's mother quite as much as he trusted Thor, but she would be his second choice in friends if her son was unavailable. He's not sure exactly how much of that came from being related by blood to Thor and how much from her own, kind attitude, but decided that the why wasn't as important.

He tried to calm his mind by going over one of the mental exercises from Doctor Xavier: risk assessment. How much of a threat did Thor's father pose. Would he hit Loki? Unlikely, he admitted to himself: Odin didn't look like a brawler and even if he did try, Thor wouldn't let him. Would he yell more insults and accusations? Very likely, even though the first of those accusations had already proven false.

He could handle accusations. Some of them might even be true, but they were ones Thor already knew about and he had never seen them as reasons to think less of Loki. They would also be motivated by the desire of a father to keep his son safe instead of the malicious urge to put others down that some people seemed to have.

He wished his own father would have stood up like that for him.

Frigga and Odin had relocated to the kitchen. Odin was seated at the table, looking a cross between apologetic and suspicious, while Frigga had started a pot of coffee and was now pulling down mugs and saucers. When they all sat down, Loki found himself in the chair diagonally across from Odin, as far away as the square table would allow. He fidgeted nervously with his mug, turning it this way and that, trying to think of something to say.

Odin saved him from it by beating him to the punch. “I apologize for accusing you like that.” he said. His voice didn't really sound all that remorseful, but more business-like. Loki nodded in acceptance anyway, glad that Odin acknowledged his mistake at all. “I should have gotten the whole story before rushing in like that.” Odin threw a glance at Thor, his concern about reviving their old feud obvious.

Thor crossed his arms over his chest. He was clearly not happy with the situation, but seemed more inclined to let it go now that Loki had been given an apology and accepted it. “You could have just called to ask, you know.”

“I could have, and I could have listened to your mother who told me that I was overreacting.” Odin conceded, looking down at his hands, “But when we assume our children are threatened, parents often don't think that clearly.” He sighed and looked up again. “Perhaps you would tell me the story now?”

Thor rolled his eyes, but he also uncrossed his arms. He glanced sideways at Loki: he would not tell Odin the details the younger man had told only him, but he did want to ask permission to tell the part of the story that he could. Loki cast his eyes down, but nodded in agreement. He didn't think the story would put him in a better light for Odin, but he knew the man had a right to know what his son was involved in.

Thor thought for a moment and then started with “I met Loki a few weeks before the new year, when he was brought into the clinic after someone had severely beaten him.” He went on from there to explain how he had begun to like Loki and was worried about his health enough to buy him clothes and pick him up weekly to make sure he had at least one decent meal. He told of their budding friendship and then about their fallout when Thor let slip that he wanted more than that. He finished with the account of Loki ending up in the clinic again when his apartment was burned down and him finally coming to live with Thor.

Odin, who's brow had been furrowed all through the story, looked slightly more remorseful about his earlier handling of the situation. Which Thor had to allow was saying a lot considering his father's usual corporate pokerface. “Well,” Odin said slowly, “That's quite a story. Do you have any idea about what you want to do next, Loki?”

That question was important, Loki understood, even though Odin seemed to just be making conversation. He was sure that it was a way to judge him: he might be slightly more sympathetic to Loki's plight, but that didn't mean he would let him get away with anything. Odin probably expected him to settle with Thor permanently and live of off Thor's wealth. A self-made man like Odin wouldn't appreciate that.

Loki thought about the things Thor had told him about the fall-out between he and Odin when Thor had made it clear he would not be working to better himself, but to better society. He didn't think Odin thought that way because he was cold or unfeeling, but because he wanted to be certain his son would be alright when he was no longer there to take care of him. It was understandable, but it also showed the depth of Odin's convictions that he had stayed stubborn about it for so long. If Loki said he would spend the further part of his life doing nothing, he had no doubt that Odin could make things very uncomfortable for him until he up and left of his own free will.

Luckily then, that just laying about had never been in Loki's plans for his future. Even if he hadn't been madly in love with the idea of being a normally functioning part of society with a job and a pay-check, he would have done anything he could to fight for the right to be Thor's friend (he still had some trouble with convincing himself of the boyfriend-part). Thor was the only good thing that had ever happened to him and Loki cared for him even more than he wanted the job with the pay-check.

“I'm in therapy for the moment,” Loki said, “And I work at the clinic sometimes. It's just basic stuff, but I want to get my high school degree when I can handle school and find a job so that I can have my own place again. Thor's been wonderful with letting me stay here, but I really want to be able to stand on my own two legs again.”

When he looked back at Odin, the suspicion was gone from the other's face and Loki thought he could see something like approval in that single blue eye instead. “You seem to have your priorities straight.” Odin noted and Loki could feel Thor's hand moving towards him under the table, stopping where he could reach out and squeeze it if he wanted. Which he did.

“I could help you with the job, when you are ready for it.” Odin continued to Loki's surprise, “Asgard always has several internships open. Maybe we could find you one in a department you'd like.”

“I would like that very much.” Loki said, although his stomach turned a little at the idea of having to face a room full of strangers every workday. Little steps, he reminded himself, he would be ready for it by the time he had his degree. “Thank you.”

“No at all.” Odin said, “It's the least I could do for you after I falsely accused you. I should have trusted in my son's ability to choose good friends.” His mouth pulled in a slight grimace as he threw a glance at Thor.

Frigga's smile could have melted glaciers as she clapped her hands together in delight at that turn in the conversation. “Well, now that we've moved past that bit of nastiness, what would you all say to calling out for Thai food? You two must be starving after all the shouting and a long day at work.”

“That sounds wonderful.” Thor agreed, and Loki nodded as well. With the tension from the previous conversation gone, he was feeling rather hungry. And while he used to be able to ignore such things while he was still struggling for survival, he had grown used to steady meals rather fast.

Thor and Odin laid the table as Frigga drew Loki to the living room and asked if he had discovered any preference in books yet. The food arrived and the rest of the evening unfolded in a not too unpleasant way. Thor and his mother formed a good buffer against Odin. He was silently grateful to them for understanding that it would take him some time to learn to trust the older man, especially with the bad start they'd had. But Loki was confident that he would get to trust Odin, who seemed like a decent man when he was not being a frightening force of nature.

After Thor's parents left, Loki and he made themselves comfortable in the living room. Loki felt himself trembling slightly from being around someone he wasn't comfortable with for an extended period of time. Xavier had explained that it was a natural reaction: when faced with a risky situation, the body produces adrenaline and a fight or flight response. He had been able to calm himself to a certain point because he'd had 'backup', but the adrenaline-buildup still needed a way out afterwards.

“Are you alright?” Thor asked, forehead frowned in concern.

“Yeah,” Loki said, “I'm not upset or anything, it'll pass in a minute.”

“So,” Thor said, in a bid to distract Loki from his physical condition. “I feel like I should apologize for my father. He was completely out of line in accusing you like that.”

“He cares for you.” Loki countered, “And they're just words. They aren't worse than all the other ones I've heard in my life.”

“Nevertheless, you're owed the same basic respect as everyone else.” Thor sighed. “Still sure you want to be associated with me? You could still live here and pretend not to know me.”

Loki let out a small laugh. The trembling had seized and he was feeling much more relaxed. “Sorry,” he threw Thor's words from an earlier conversation back at him, “you're stuck with me.”

“Whatever will I do?” Thor asked, but his tone was happy and he couldn't keep the smile from his face.

“Accept your defeat with grace,” Loki suggested, “because I'm not leaving.” And then he took a deep breath and finally said Those Words. “I love you.”

He spent the rest of the evening on the couch, holding a deliriously happy Thor and not minding the physical contact for even one second. This, he decided, was as good as life could get.


	31. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel

Two years had passed since the court case against Amora, Lorelei and their associates. Steve and Bucky had honored their deal and Loki had been no more than a witness. Some of it had still been difficult to deal with, but Thor and Doctor Xavier had made sure he had gotten through it in a sane way

In the time since then, Loki had gotten his high school degree and Odin had offered him the promised position in his firm. It wasn't a management job or anything: Loki didn't have the necessary degree for that and he would probably never feel very comfortable ordering other people around. Instead he took pride in how far he had come and having a steady job with a nice benefits package.

The other part of his time he filled by giving lectures and advice to administrators, police officers and medical personnel. The idea had come from Steve, who had asked him if there were ways he could think of for the police to approach people in poverty in a more effective way. Loki had thought about it for a while and then presented a list with ideas, some of which were implemented with great success.

Steve had made mention of this to several other instances, which caused them to contact Loki with problems of their own. He was now slowly learning how to represent the slice of population of which he had been a part for so long to others, who didn't have as much understanding in their ways of thinking or acting. It was often challenging, being a bridge between the poor and the instances that wanted to help them, but didn't know the most effective channels for this. Yet it was satisfying as well: knowing that you mattered, that you were a person that was treated with respect for this hard-earned knowledge. It had done wonders for his self-esteem.

The increase in said self-esteem was something positive in more ways than just the professional. It was what had enabled him to arrive at the top of the stepladder of his relationship with Thor.

There had been false starts with several of the steps on the way. And there had been a massive freak-out on Loki's part when he had attempted to give Thor a blowjob for the first time. All the memories had come rushing back when his lips had touched Thor's cock: from the first forced occasion as a child to the many clients he had performed the service for afterwards. He had barely pulled back in time to avoid retching into Thor's lap.

He'd thought for sure that he would have grossed Thor out, but the doctor had helped him clean up when the episode had abated and had held him the rest of the evening, stroking his hair while Loki let himself drift. A year earlier, that would have been the end of the entire ladder: Loki wouldn't have had the mental wherewithal to try again and face a possible next failure. But through therapy and the support of people who loved and respected him, he'd had the chance to grow as a person. They had gone slower the next time, Loki pulling away when he felt the onslaught of memories and panic begin to push against his mind, but always able to continue after a while when he had himself back under control. Thor had left nail-imprints in the leather of the couch upon which he'd been, but that had been the only expression of his desperation whenever Loki had left him hanging.

They had done it several more times and each time it grew easier for Loki to shut out his earlier memories and focus on enjoying the way Thor reacted to him. The last time, he could even bear having Thor's hand resting lightly on the back of his head, stroking his hair and murmuring encouragement as Loki hollowed his cheeks and sucked until Thor shouted and came. He swallowed on reflex and when he looked back up, Thor was watching him like he was some angel fallen from heaven. Loki, knowing the opposite was true and he was really some sinner being raised from perdition, laughed at the irony, which made Thor laugh as well. They had fallen asleep together on the couch, resulting in much grumbling and sore muscles the next morning, but they both agreed it was worth it.

And now, about two months after that previous success, Loki felt ready to proceed with the final step: have anal sex with Thor. His nerves where still singing with the applause he had received after his speech that afternoon and he would use the high emotion to overrule the nerves that plagued him whenever else he thought about the last hurdle to his recovery.

He let himself into their shared apartment, putting his shoes in their designated space at the bottom of the hall-closet and proceeded further inside. He had briefly entertained the notion of getting a place for himself a few months ago, but had scrapped the plan shortly afterwards. It hadn't felt right, leaving this safe place he had found and Thor always looked so sad when he found Loki browsing for a new place on-line. He'd been surprised when he found that putting aside that wish didn't give him a twinge of regret. He took at is a sign that it was the right thing to do.

Thor would be home in two hours and Loki spent the time deciding where he wanted the attempt to take place (Thor's bed, because the scent would reassure him), place the lube and condoms he had bought a while back on Thor's nightstand and then immerse himself in a relaxing bath. He stayed in until the water had cooled significantly before hastily drying himself and putting on boxers and a robe. He didn't want to have to bother with removing too much clothing, in case the extra time needed would cause him to doubt his resolve or readiness. He then sat on the edge of Thor's bed as he waited, knowing that if he started pacing now, it would only make him anxious.

“Loki?” Thor's voice came down the hall sometime later.

“In here!” he called back, fingers gripping the comforter as he waited for Thor's reaction.

“How was the presenta...” Thor cut off in the midst of his sentence as he saw Loki sitting on his bed, the robe having fallen open to reveal the state of undress beneath it. His eyes flicked from Loki's face to his bare chest to the implements on the nightstand. “You're sure?” he asked, knowing what all those signs pointed to.

“I'm sure.” Loki said, complementing himself on the steadiness of his voice. His heart rate had picked up from the moment he had heard Thor's key turn in the lock and he watched now with clammy hands as Thor put down his bag and approached the bed.

Relinquishing control of the situation, the doctor did nothing more than seat himself next to Loki. The younger man took a couple of breaths to center himself before turning to Thor and starting to undress him. The light sweater was the first article to go, followed by the t-shirt Thor wore beneath it. They had seen each other in this state of dishabille before and Loki was glad that they had already conquered that milestone so he could proceed with getting Thor's shoes and socks off and then his trousers, the other lifting his hips to help him with that last piece. Loki chucked off his own robe, leaving them both in their boxers.

He paused a moment there to assess his state of mind. His nerves hadn't gotten worse and his heart rate was keeping steady, if a little faster than it would be normally. Satisfied a panic attack wasn't imminent, he slid onto Thor's lap, distracting himself further by leaning forward and pressing his lips against the blond's. Thor participated eagerly, opening his mouth and letting their tongues rub against each other. From the periphery of his eyes he could see Thor's hands clutch at the spread, reminding himself not to touch unless he was asked to.

The distraction of kissing was mitigated by the feeling of Thor's erection pressing urgently into his skin. It was something Thor couldn't help of course: an involuntary physical reaction that broadcast his interest loud and clear. Loki had learned over the years to take it as a sort of compliment, that Thor found him attractive despite everything. Breaking away from the kiss for a moment, he rolled his hips, creating friction for the both of them.

Thor gave a harsh gasp, his knuckles now white where he gripped the bed. Loki realized for the umpteenth time how lucky he was to have him for a boyfriend. He wouldn't be able to trust anyone else to keep such a tight control over himself as Thor had done during each of these little sessions. Loki rolled his hips again, not to tease, but to catalog the feelings that bubbled through him: pleasure and desire.

It had surprised him when he first felt the latter one, having thought himself incapable of it after years of being used. Xavier had helped him to see that for him, desire was a part of love and one could not exist without the other. So, since he loved Thor, it was perfectly normal to feel desire for him, even if acting on it was still fraught with nerves and anxiety.

Pleasure and desire were good and so he felt free to continue, standing back up and sliding down his boxers before kicking them away when they pooled around his ankles. Thor took the silent hint and did the same with his own before sitting back down, his erection standing up proudly from his lap. Even with the wide diversity of male genitalia that Loki had been exposed to during his 'career', Thor still fell into the more well-endowed part of his experience. As Loki had not been taken in two years, they would have to move slowly to avoid hurting him.

Loki takes the lube and condom from the bedside table and settles himself astride Thor again. Their skin glides against each other and it's like Loki is suddenly hyper-aware and can feel each individual hair as their legs slide together. He takes a moment to breathe, calming his heart by reminding himself he can stop at any time. It was a trick that had proven its use many times and it worked again now.

Thor had been silent and still the entire time, neither encouraging nor pressing, but he let out a startled sound as Loki tore open the package and started to roll the condom onto Thor's length. “I'm sorry,” his boyfriend said with a blush, “I just assumed that the roles would be reversed.”

Loki thought about that for a moment. He didn't know if it would be easier since he was inexperienced in the other role and would be anxious about his performance and possibly hurting Thor. Besides which: this was something for his recovery. To let Thor know him like so many had before, but with such different intentions. To feel Thor inside him and know that such an experience could be pleasurable, or at least not fraught with fear if their main goal wasn't reached on the first try.

“No,” he told Thor, “no, I want to know how it should feel when you do it with someone you love.” Thor's eyes looked a little more shiny after that, but he allowed Loki to continue rolling the condom on without further comment.

Loki opened the tube of lubrication and hesitated. He wanted to hand it to Thor and ask the blond to prepare him. He trusted Thor, he reminded himself, yet his hands shook and he could feel memories slipping up on him. Phantom hands that roughly pushed him down and spread his asscheeks and a cock pushing demandingly against him...

He was out of Thor's lap before he knew it, breathing harshly, the tube he was still clutching shaking in his hand. Thor's eyes were concerned, but he kept his seat on the bed instead of giving in to the feeling and crowding Loki. They both knew that being large and naked made Thor more a treat than a comfort to Loki's overwrought mind in these situations. “I'm fine.” Loki managed to get out after a moment or two, when the memories receded and all he felt was slightly on edge.

He approached Thor again but kept standing in front of him instead of resuming their former closeness. He squeezed the tube and felt the somewhat-cold gel drip onto his fingers. It would be better for him to do this part himself for now; he will have plenty of chances to let Thor do it in the future. _Small steps_ he thought, sliding two fingers around the rim of his asshole. He took his time with this before pushing in the tip of a finger. He was right to think that the going would be slow once they came to this stage, but they had nothing to gain by hurrying through the preparation. Besides, judging from Thor's rapid breaths and still-hard cock his partner wasn't going to complain about the show.

It took him long minutes, but finally he was able to move three fingers in and out of his ass without causing any pain. He gave another gasp as he pulled them out and then reseated himself on Thor's lap. The lube was pressed again and he smeared the viscous gel over the condom-covered length in front of him. Thor bit his lower lip, a small whine escaping despite his best efforts. He took one of Thor's hands and wrapped it around the doctor's own cock, keeping it steady as Loki took a few breaths and positioned himself until he could feel the head of it rubbing against his loosened asshole.

He froze the moment he felt it touch him there. Buried his face in Thor's shoulder to surround himself with the familiar comfortable scent. He was safe, no-one would hurt him, no-one would force him to do anything he did not want to do. As his muscles unwound, he lowered himself slowly further. Thor's cock pushed firmer against his ass and he bore down for a moment until it slid in. He couldn't take all of it in one go, needing instead to raise himself again a few times until he was seated comfortably in Thor's lap.

They were both panting, their foreheads touching and a light sheen of sweat covering their shoulders and flanks. Loki felt the muscles in his thighs shaking as he raised himself up. He had chosen this position because it gave him full control over their movements and he hoped that his leg muscles were up to the challenge. The pace he set was almost painfully slow, mostly because he needed to pause between each downward push and the next rise to keep his thoughts from running rampant. He kept a commentary flowing in his mind:  _it's alright, it's Thor, I trust Thor, he'll stop if I ask him, he loves me, I'm not just a thing to him._

He was so focused on not freaking out that he didn't quite understand what the choked off sound of his own name and the full body shudder coming from Thor meant until the shoulders under his hands sagged and Thor let go of the bed to clamp his hands in front of his suddenly flaming face.

“Did you just...?” he stammered in shock.

“I'm so sorry,” Thor blurted, dropping his upper body backwards onto the bed and still hiding his head in his hands, “I didn't mean to! Oh Gods, I ruined everything!”

Thor's cock twitched in his ass as it started to soften and Loki looked at his mortified lover for a moment longer before he burst out into laughter. He couldn't help it: Thor just looked so embarrassed. Any tension that had been left leaked out of him with the sound of it.

Thor removed his hands so he could look Loki in the eye, grateful that his premature coming hadn't somehow damaged his boyfriend. “Can I?” he asked, pointing at Loki's still hard cock.

“Be my guest.” the dark-haired man grinned as he slid off his lover.

Thor stood on slightly unsteady legs, sliding off the now-full condom and dropping it into the bin before kneeling in front of the bed between Loki's legs. He raised an eyebrow in question and as Loki nodded again, licked his lips and started to suck slowly on the head of the younger man's cock. This was another thing they had done before, so Thor had found some of the things that turned Loki on and he set to using them know. Loki had been very good in dealing with his earlier session after all and he deserved a reward in Thor's opinion.

So he caressed the other's balls softly as he took more of his cock, bobbing his head steadily. Loki's body stayed as still as Thor's had earlier, but his moans gave a good indication of how pleased he was with the attention. When the fingers of one hand slid in some of the lube from Loki's asshole, Thor got an idea. Pulling his mouth away from it's pleasant task; he looked up at Loki and asked: “Can I finger your ass?”

Loki hesitated a moment before nodding his consent. After having had Thor's cock in there, his fingers didn't seem like such a big challenge. Thor grinned and sucked the hard cock back into his mouth, his hand questing for the lubrication and squirting some on two fingers. They slid in easily, but he was still careful with how he moved them, rubbing along the wall of Loki's channel in search of his prostate.

A soft scream and a tensing in Loki's legs told him he had found his target and he rubbed it every time he bobbed his head down towards Loki's crotch. With that much stimulation it didn't take long for the younger man to loose it as well, giving a hoarse shout as those slender hips pushed up and his cum spurted out to coat Thor's tongue. Thor went a little longer until Loki gave a slight hiss.

“So,” Thor said after he had swallowed and licked his lips clean, “are we counting that as a success?”

“I don't know.” Loki said, spread out on the bed with eyelids half lowered in satiated sleepiness and a shy grin on his face. “Maybe we should try it again, just to be sure.”

 Thor dragged himself onto the bed next to him and opened his arms for Loki to snuggle into. “We have the rest of our lives to perfect this.” Thor sighed happily as he pulled the covers over them. “There's no rush.”

“Mmmm.” Loki agreed, already half-asleep in the arms of the person he called home. There were no nightmares that night as they slept blissfully entangled. For the first time in 12 years, Loki slept without a single worry.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A great and very resounding thank you to all my readers, whether you commented, kudo'd or just enjoyed in silence. I couldn't have finished this without all of your support. I hope you have enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Much love and maybe until the next story! ;p


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